New Videogame Uses Profanity As Weapons

With the popularity of the profanity in Grand Theft Auto, a new game is under development at Dishwater Software called...well, we can't even tell you the title, because the title itself is a phrase that is illegal to say in most of the industrialized nations. So we just have to refer to it as &$#@! We spoke with Leon Travis, the developer of &$#@!, which he calls a first-person insult shooter game.

"It's a completely new genre," said Travis, "but also one that's been around a long time. After all, what's the best part of playing multiplayer games? It's not the shooting, it's insulting the other players. So we cut out the middle man and stripped the shooter down to its essence."

According to Travis, the game is similar to a regular shooter in that it will revolve around the player having to take out his opponents. But instead of weapons, the player throws insults.

"The player will have a vast arsenal of insults to use against his enemies," Travis continued. "We've imported over five million swear words already, including some from every major language in the world. And a few we made up. We also consulted with the world's finest doctors to come up with the most offensive biological references. Trust me. There isn't a human being alive who wouldn't be offended by this game. Our beta testers needed psychological counseling after playing for only three minutes. It's gonna be great."

A variety of environments will be available in &$#@!, most of which are inspired by curses, so we can't tell you what they are. &$#@! will be built on a proprietary 3D-gaming engine, since Travis claims that existing gaming engines aren't powerful enough to render the insults at the speed they require.

The multiplayer mode will be available over a LAN network or the Internet, and will support both deathmatch and teamplay. In teamplay, insults can be said by a single person or in a chorus with other players to increase the volume and deliver more damage. Teamplay modes will include Capture the %#*! and King of the *%^@.

&$#@! will focus on multiplayer, but will also ship with a single-player mode of artificially-intelligent bots who stand around the level waiting to be insulted. Travis says the bots will be programmed with realistic responses, including crying, punching, and slapping the player with a virtual lawsuit for slander. &$#@! will also feature an option to import images of friends, enemies, and family members onto the faces of the bots.

Leon Travis left us with these thoughts. "I think &$#@! is going to revolutionize the gaming industry. At the very least, it'll make me happy. I'm planning to ship a free copy of &$#@! to my ex-wife."

CEO Leaves Retirement to Spend Less Time With Family

Seattle, WA - Richard Carrington, former CEO of multi-billion dollar corporation GalaxyCom, has announced that he will leave retirement. Carrington retired six months ago, but will return to head GalaxyCom for another five years. In the press release, Carrington stated that he left retirement to spend less time with his family.

In the press release, Carrington said, "In the last six months, I have traveled the world with my wife and children. This experience has taught me what a truly annoying family I have. Anything I can do to get away from them would be welcome."

Warren Riggs, CEO of RK Meyers and close personal friend of Carrington, echoed his sentiments. "I've spent many evenings with Carrington and his family, and I don't blame him one bit. His daughter is a complete airhead, and all his wife talks about is re-decorating the house. And don't even get me started on his mother-in-law. There's only so much a man can take."

Carrington plans to spend eighty hours a week on the job for the next five years, which will give him very little time to see his family. Carrington's wife Martha Carrington released her own statement supporting his decision, and promising to spend less time re-decorating in the future.

US Economic Data Released, No One Understands It

The US Labor Department released its latest figures charting the state of the nation's economy. The Labor Department frequently releases data including the strength of the job markets, the Gross National Product, and net exports. Much of it is hard to understand for the average citizen, but this time, even the experts are confused. Whereas many economists frequently disagree about whether the numbers indicate strength or weakness in the US economy, this is the first time that economists couldn't understand it at all.

Professor Archibald Gray, professor of economics at Harvard University, is one of those baffled by the results. "I've gone over the report several times, including the indexes and appendix. I have consulted with the leading economists in both this country and throughout the world. And none of us have the slightest idea what it means. I mean, they said the stock structure index has increased fifteen points, and the deflation barometric curve has declined. I've never even heard of those."

The Federal Reserve invited several leading experts on macroeconomics and microeconomics to try to analyze the Labor Department's numbers. Yesterday, the head of the project announced their findings; nothing.

Stephen Owens stood before the reporters at a podium, flanked by hundreds of charts and graphs, and said, "We got jack. We found so many contradictions and confusing data that half of our team had to quit early from severe headaches. I'll admit, we've been through this sort of thing before. Usually, we can look at the numbers and make things up, but this time we're stumped."

The incident has caused sharp criticism and questioning of the entire field of economic forecasting. Many economists have announced their intention to retire and become television weather forecasters instead.