The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has announced that the rare Arabian Horned Owl is on the verge of extinction due to a loss of natural habitat and hunting. Shortly after the announcement, the Sierra Club held a conference of their own to express their opinion: "Good riddance."
"I mean it," said Stephanie Newhart, spokeswoman of the Sierra Club. "Screw 'em. Who needs those stupid Arabian Horned Owls, anyway? I mean, don't we have enough owls in the world? There's thousands of species out there. What's the big deal about one more? We're all better off without them."
After an exhaustive study, the Sierra Club has concluded that the Arabian Horned Owl is the only animal in the world that has no value to the environment whatsoever. Its extinction, according to the Sierra Club, would actually improve the environment by making room for other animals that are more useful to Mankind like cows and horses.
In addition, the Sierra Club pointed out that the forest where the Arabian Horned Owl makes its nests in Montana is a prime logging area. "By eliminating the Arabian Horned Owl," Newhart continued, "we could harvest those trees. It would boost the local economy by providing jobs and stimulate the lumber industry nationwide. I think the loss of one stupid bird is worth it. After all, which is more important, animals or people?"
Fewer than one hundred Arabian Spotted Owls remain left in the world. Due to their low breeding rate, experts say the owls will become extinct within three years. However, Sierra Club members have vowed to shoot as many of the owls as they can to quicken the process.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Local Man Says World-Famous Millionaire Just A Regular Guy
According to Michael Dawson, an accountant and big fan of his action movies, world-famous actor and multimillionare Lance Rushing is "just a regular guy." Dawson came to this conclusion after a brief encounter with Rushing on his way out of a hotel.
Dawson met Rushing while he was walking down the street past the Saint Milton Hotel. According to Dawson, Rushing was heading out of the hotel to a limousine waiting at the curb. Rushing did not notice Dawson at first, because Rushing was busy chatting with the gorgeous supermodels he had under each arm. Dawson says he called out, "Hey, aren't you Lance Rushing?" Rushing reportedly replied "Yeah," then climbed into his limousine and drove away. Dawson was left impressed by Rushing's down-to-earth attitude.
"The way he said 'yeah,'" Dawson said, "was so friendly and warm. He could've said 'yes' or 'correct' or 'that's right,' but he didn't. He said 'yeah' the way me and my friends say 'yeah.' And the fact that he took the time to talk to a fan like me, that says a lot. He's not stuck-up like I thought he would be. I'm sure if he hadn't been on his way somewhere, he would've given me an autograph. Lance Rushing's a good guy."
Dawson plans to tell all his friends about the encounter, and watch all Lance Rushing's movies from now on.
Dawson met Rushing while he was walking down the street past the Saint Milton Hotel. According to Dawson, Rushing was heading out of the hotel to a limousine waiting at the curb. Rushing did not notice Dawson at first, because Rushing was busy chatting with the gorgeous supermodels he had under each arm. Dawson says he called out, "Hey, aren't you Lance Rushing?" Rushing reportedly replied "Yeah," then climbed into his limousine and drove away. Dawson was left impressed by Rushing's down-to-earth attitude.
"The way he said 'yeah,'" Dawson said, "was so friendly and warm. He could've said 'yes' or 'correct' or 'that's right,' but he didn't. He said 'yeah' the way me and my friends say 'yeah.' And the fact that he took the time to talk to a fan like me, that says a lot. He's not stuck-up like I thought he would be. I'm sure if he hadn't been on his way somewhere, he would've given me an autograph. Lance Rushing's a good guy."
Dawson plans to tell all his friends about the encounter, and watch all Lance Rushing's movies from now on.
Study Shows Most Americans Can't Find A Map
Many polls have shown that a majority of Americans can't find important countries like Iraq or France on a world map. But a new study shows that most Americans can't find a world map at all. According to the Pew Research Center, sixty-four percent of Americans polled could not locate a map showing all the major countries in the world in their home or office.
Lawrence Jefferson from the Pew Research Center calls it an alarming trend, stating "If this trend continues, a majority of Americans won't be able to find maps of his own city or even his own street. By the next century, the average American won't be able to find his own house."
Stanley Percy of Detroit, Michigan is typical of most Americans. When asked by his nine-year old son for a world map to locate Bolivia, Percy had no idea where to find one. He said, "I thought I had an atlas on the bookshelf, but I don't. I even went to the attic to try to find my old geography textbook, but I couldn't find that either. It's really weird. A world map is one of those things you just assume you have until you need it."
Percy stated that he would be getting a world map soon and will then attempt to locate Bolivia.
Lawrence Jefferson from the Pew Research Center calls it an alarming trend, stating "If this trend continues, a majority of Americans won't be able to find maps of his own city or even his own street. By the next century, the average American won't be able to find his own house."
Stanley Percy of Detroit, Michigan is typical of most Americans. When asked by his nine-year old son for a world map to locate Bolivia, Percy had no idea where to find one. He said, "I thought I had an atlas on the bookshelf, but I don't. I even went to the attic to try to find my old geography textbook, but I couldn't find that either. It's really weird. A world map is one of those things you just assume you have until you need it."
Percy stated that he would be getting a world map soon and will then attempt to locate Bolivia.
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