Local Man Is Either Insane Or Using Cell Phone

GREEN BAY, WI - Residents of a local neighborhood are expressing concern about Brandon Parker, a 42-year old marketing analyst who moved into the area last week. Neighbors are in a heated debate about whether Parker is making extensive use of his cell phone or is really just crazy.

Silvia Osornio, a 23-year old receptionist, lives next-door to Parker and is of the opinion that Parker is sane. "I see him around the neighborhood all the time, and I've never seen him without his cell phone at his ear. But he's not a whacko. He wears a nice suit and carries a briefcase. I think he's just really busy."

Martin Wells, a 54-year old grocer with a shop across the street from Parker, disagrees. "That guy's just weird," he said. "I've seen him walking around in the middle of the night, and he's always yelling. It doesn't seem like a normal conversation to me. One time, I heard him say, 'You can't kill me, I'm immortal!' Another time, he yells, 'Those aren't porcupines, they have legs!' I think he's nuts and holding a phone to his ear doesn't mean anything. It might not even be on."

Dr. Michelle Gaines, a psychiatrist consulted on the incident, explained that Parker could be suffering from schizophrenia. "Auditory hallucinations are very common in this condition. Often, a sufferer from schizophrenia will hear voices and be inclined to respond. That certainly could apply in this case. But the cell phone complicates things. Parker could just be obnoxious. With the prevalance of cell phones in today's society, who can tell?"

Many neighbors are split on what to do about Parker. Some favor calling the police or medical professionals to investigate him. Others insist that he should be left alone. Osornio added that "if Parker is crazy, he should be locked up. But if he's not crazy, I'd like to find out his cell provider, because the way he uses it, he must get a lot of minutes."

Ad Company Creates Parody Of "Got Milk"

SEATTLE, WA - In a shocking display of originality, the Leo Burnett ad agency will be promoting its clients' brand of legal documents with the slogan "got will?" The ad campaign is a satire of the famous "got milk" campaign by the National Dairy Promotion Board, and is already being praised by insiders as a bold new direction for the industry.

"I can't take all the credit," said advertising executive Barry Chanes in charge of the campaign. "When we won the contract for the Gilbert-Shaw brand of pre-made legal form kits, we knew we had to come up with something fresh and original. It took us months of brainstorming, statistical analysis, and focus-groups. Then one day, I saw one of the 'got milk' commercials, and a light bulb went off. What if, instead of 'got milk,' our ad said 'got will?' It took me a while to explain it to the others because it was such a new concept, but once they got it, we knew we had something big."

The "got will" advertisements will begin running in newspapers and magazines next month, and experts predict the satirical approach will score well with consumers. Chanes is pleased with the campaign, saying, "If it works, there might be other parodies of the 'got milk' ads. Maybe even on bumper stickers."

New DVD To Offer Cast and Crew as Bonus Features

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Many recent DVD releases offer bonus features like director's commentary and deleted scenes, and producers are increasingly trying to up the ante. Sony Pictures, with its limited-edition Platinum Edition DVD release of the movie Twisted Thorns, is breaking new ground with what it calls the ultimate DVD feature. The DVD will be the first to offer the actual cast and crew of the movie along with the film.

Gerald Kirsey, the media contact for Sony Pictures, explained how they came up with the innovative concept. "Many people enjoy watching documentaries and hearing commentary on movies. We at Sony decided that what people really want is to feel like they have gotten to know the cast and crew. What better way to do that than to offer some face-time with the actual people who worked on the movie?"

Every copy of the two thousand limited-edition DVDs of Twisted Thorns will include a coupon book with coupons for everyone who worked on the movie, from the stars Sean Connery and Scarlett Johannsen to the key grip, Martin Byquist. Each coupon entitles the holder to one hour with that person.

"All the holder has to do is send us that coupon," said Kersey, "and we'll put them on a schedule to send the crew member to their home or place of business for one hour. They can do whatever they want with the crew member, from watching the movie with them and answering questions to going out to dinner. It's their call."

During an interview for the DVD release, Sean Connery seemed upbeat about the plan. Connery said he has already blocked out the next year of his life to meet with DVD owners. He added, "I think it's a unique opportunity to meet and greet fans of my movies. I'm looking forward to getting people's insights on the movie, traveling the world, going places I've never been to, and experiencing new cultures."

Scarlett Johannsen, however, was less enthusiastic. When asked about the scheme, she said, "I think it's the stupidest s*** I've ever done. I wouldn't have done it, but they offered me triple my usual salary. I don't know what I'm gonna do with these f***ing people. Well, I can guess, but I made them put a disclaimer on my coupon that says there will be absolutely no physical contact between me and the coupon-holder whatsoever. I won't even hold hands with those freaks."