A late-model red Jaguar raced through a busy intersection this morning in Washington D.C., resulting in a six-car pileup that killed four people. Though identification of the Jaguar's owner was difficult due to rockets shooting out of the license plate, it is believed to belong to secret agent Hank Rockwell, who escaped the crash without injury.
According to early reports, Rockwell led supervillain Doctor Scorpion's men on a high-speed chase through the city. It was during this chase that Rockwell released an oil slick onto the street at the corner of Elm and Main. The black van pursuing him swerved to miss the oil slick, hit a ramp, and tumbled off a bridge to land on a gasoline truck which exploded into flames. The crash killed both the driver of the black van and the three henchmen in the back.
Arthur Jules, a 23-year old college student, witnessed the chase from his Chevy Suburban. "It was wild. I'm just about to pull into Jack-In-The-Box for an Ultimate Cheeseburger when I hear this loud noise and all these gunshots. I look around, and this car is just smoking right at me. I was so scared it was going to hit me, but then a rocket engine comes out of the Jaguar's truck and the car flew right over me. Then the van chasing it plows right over the bridge. I'm not sure, but I think I heard the driver of the van yelling, 'I'll see you in hell, Rockwell!' And I'm pretty sure I could hear Rockwell say, 'I hope you boys aren't falling for me.' That was kinda funny."
Doctor Scorpion refused to comment on the incident.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Celebrity's Death Honored By Slow-Motion Stock Footage
According to his family, famed actor Charles Langley died in his sleep this morning. Langley, 62, was best known for his Oscar-winning roles in classic movies such as Heart of Stone and Ronald's Choice. In all, he performed in over four hundred movies, had a starring role in three hit television shows, and won ten Oscars throughout his career. In later years, he contributed millions to hunger relief programs, founded the Langley Cancer Research Institute. As an ambassador, he was known for bringing a new era of peace throughout the Middle East. To pay tribute to his achievements, an NBC news broadcast will be playing stock footage from one of his movies in slow-motion.
"It's the least we can do," said NBC News president Sarah Cole. "Langley was a great man with an enormous body of work. I'm sure his family takes comfort in the fact that we'll pay tribute to Langley by playing ten seconds from that old movie, Bridge To Eternity. If we have time, we may even play that shot of him smiling at the '98 Academy Awards. In slow motion, of course. Otherwise, it would just be stock footage."
Once the clip is played, the news anchor is scheduled to say, "He'll be missed," then move on to a story about roller-skating monkeys at the circus.
"It's the least we can do," said NBC News president Sarah Cole. "Langley was a great man with an enormous body of work. I'm sure his family takes comfort in the fact that we'll pay tribute to Langley by playing ten seconds from that old movie, Bridge To Eternity. If we have time, we may even play that shot of him smiling at the '98 Academy Awards. In slow motion, of course. Otherwise, it would just be stock footage."
Once the clip is played, the news anchor is scheduled to say, "He'll be missed," then move on to a story about roller-skating monkeys at the circus.
Local Woman Lists Non-Existent Skin Colors In Her Discussions Of Racism
According to witnesses, in describing her own views on racism, 52-year old retiree Margaret Jenkins listed several non-existent skin colors to make her point.
"It don't matter if you're white, black, purple, blue, or green," she said. "I don't think nobody should be treated different, no matter what color you are."
After Miss Jenkins' statement, the Mayo Clinic issued the results of a six-year study that confirmed these colors could not be found in the human race. The study stated in part, "Skin color is the result of increased or decreased amounts of melanin in the human skin. Though a variety of shades can be produced as a result of melanin, no human being's skin could produce the colors Miss Jenkins described for a sustained length of time, and no known racial group possesses this trait."
Scientists worldwide rushed to Jenkins to find out the location of these hitherto-unknown racial groups. In a press conference, Dr. Marvin Reeds, head of the World Health Organization, was visibly enthusiastic.
"Throughout human history," he said, "there has never been any record of humans with green or blue pigmentation. The only conclusion we can see is that Miss Jenkins has discovered a new race of humans on our planet, perhaps living on an isolated island in the Pacific. We could learn new things from their culture, their lives, and medical history. We may even answer the age-old questions of who we as humans are and where we came from. This could be the greatest revelation in the field of anthropology since the discovery of the long-lost Umatei tribe of Zambia."
When the scientists finally tracked down and interviewed Jenkins, she only shrugged and said, "There ain't no blue or green people. I knew that when I said it. That was my point. It don't matter what color you are. Nobody should be treated bad. I stand by that."
Jenkins promised to restrict her analogies to existing racial groups from now on.
"It don't matter if you're white, black, purple, blue, or green," she said. "I don't think nobody should be treated different, no matter what color you are."
After Miss Jenkins' statement, the Mayo Clinic issued the results of a six-year study that confirmed these colors could not be found in the human race. The study stated in part, "Skin color is the result of increased or decreased amounts of melanin in the human skin. Though a variety of shades can be produced as a result of melanin, no human being's skin could produce the colors Miss Jenkins described for a sustained length of time, and no known racial group possesses this trait."
Scientists worldwide rushed to Jenkins to find out the location of these hitherto-unknown racial groups. In a press conference, Dr. Marvin Reeds, head of the World Health Organization, was visibly enthusiastic.
"Throughout human history," he said, "there has never been any record of humans with green or blue pigmentation. The only conclusion we can see is that Miss Jenkins has discovered a new race of humans on our planet, perhaps living on an isolated island in the Pacific. We could learn new things from their culture, their lives, and medical history. We may even answer the age-old questions of who we as humans are and where we came from. This could be the greatest revelation in the field of anthropology since the discovery of the long-lost Umatei tribe of Zambia."
When the scientists finally tracked down and interviewed Jenkins, she only shrugged and said, "There ain't no blue or green people. I knew that when I said it. That was my point. It don't matter what color you are. Nobody should be treated bad. I stand by that."
Jenkins promised to restrict her analogies to existing racial groups from now on.
Local Man Has No Opinion About O.J. Simpson Trial
Michael Francis, a 34-year old landscape designer, claims to have no opinion whatsoever on the O.J. Simpson trial. During our interview, Francis said, "I really just have no opinion on it, one way or the other. It's really none of my business."
O.J. Simpson gained notoriety in 1995 when he was accused of killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her lover, Ronald Goldman. His trial galvanized the nation, exposing rifts between whites and blacks, young and poor, and leading to powerful discussions on the price of fame, interracial romance, and the effectiveness of the Los Angeles Police Department. Yet, somehow, it all passed right by Michael Francis.
He said, "I remember seeing in the newspaper that O.J. Simpson got arrested, but I didn't pay too much attention to it. I was a kid when he was playing football, so I didn't know him that well. I mean, he did a few movies, but he wasn't like a major celebrity. Why should I care if he killed his wife?"
The entire trial was broadcast live on CourtTV, but Michael Francis claims he never watched any of it. "I had cable, but I never tuned in. I'm not a big fan of legal stuff, and it just sounded really boring. I never watched CourtTV before the Simpson trial, so I didn't see a reason to start."
Most shocking of all is that when asked whether he thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty, Francis would only say, "I don't know. I wasn't in the courtroom and I didn't see the murder, so I don't have the right to decide. That's why we have courts. Judges and juries decide the guilt or innocence of defendants, not me."
At the end of the interview, Francis merely shrugged as he said, "I don't know O.J. Simpson and I didn't know any of the people who were killed, so I don't see why the trial should be important to me or anyone else other than the immediate families. I like to spend my time on things that have a direct impact on my life."
Experts who administered lie-detector tests during the interview claim Francis is telling the truth, but cast doubt on his claims that he has no opinion on whether Madonna is a good actress.
O.J. Simpson gained notoriety in 1995 when he was accused of killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her lover, Ronald Goldman. His trial galvanized the nation, exposing rifts between whites and blacks, young and poor, and leading to powerful discussions on the price of fame, interracial romance, and the effectiveness of the Los Angeles Police Department. Yet, somehow, it all passed right by Michael Francis.
He said, "I remember seeing in the newspaper that O.J. Simpson got arrested, but I didn't pay too much attention to it. I was a kid when he was playing football, so I didn't know him that well. I mean, he did a few movies, but he wasn't like a major celebrity. Why should I care if he killed his wife?"
The entire trial was broadcast live on CourtTV, but Michael Francis claims he never watched any of it. "I had cable, but I never tuned in. I'm not a big fan of legal stuff, and it just sounded really boring. I never watched CourtTV before the Simpson trial, so I didn't see a reason to start."
Most shocking of all is that when asked whether he thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty, Francis would only say, "I don't know. I wasn't in the courtroom and I didn't see the murder, so I don't have the right to decide. That's why we have courts. Judges and juries decide the guilt or innocence of defendants, not me."
At the end of the interview, Francis merely shrugged as he said, "I don't know O.J. Simpson and I didn't know any of the people who were killed, so I don't see why the trial should be important to me or anyone else other than the immediate families. I like to spend my time on things that have a direct impact on my life."
Experts who administered lie-detector tests during the interview claim Francis is telling the truth, but cast doubt on his claims that he has no opinion on whether Madonna is a good actress.
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