Eddie Murphy Permanently Sealed Into Fat Suit

Eddie Murphy, famed movie and television comedian, has made the decision to seal himself permanently into a fat suit. The decision is based on his frequent appearances in movies such as The Nutty Professor and Norbit in which he wore a fat bodysuit.

It is widely believed that Eddie Murphy's performance in the movie The Nutty Professor revitalized his career. In that movie, his performance was enhanced by an articial bodysuit with flesh-colored padding and latex bladders. The bodysuit, known in the industry as a "fat suit," is one that Murphy wore again in the sequel The Krumps and again in the movie Norbit. Other actors to wear the fat suit include Martin Lawrence for Big Momma's House and Tim Allen for The Santa Clause.

In an interview, Murphy explained his decision as a natural evolution of his career. "Right now, I am one of the leading fat-suit actors in Hollywood. Except for Tim Allen, nobody else has worn a fat suit more often than me. And when I got the script for Big Bubba Dubba that called for me to wear another fat suit, I figured I might as well just go ahead and stay in it. I think everybody agrees that I'm funniest when I'm in a fat suit. It looks like that's the way my career is goin', so it'll cut down on a lot o' time and hassle later on."

Doctor Nathan Vaks, a leading cosmetic surgeon at the Beverly Hills Institute who will be performing the ground-breaking application, explained the procedure. "The operation will take approximately twelve hours, during which we will be applying the pieces of a high-tech surgical latex filled with a gel simulating fat deposits to Mister Murphy's entire body. The latex will then be sealed together permanently into a single piece. The great thing about the suit is that if Mister Murphy actually does gain weight, the suit will expand with him, enhancing the effect."

Murphy has vowed that all his future movies will be comedies making fun of fat people. His next movie will be Big Bubba Dubba about an overweight Southern black man who moves to New York, followed by Fat People Are Funny, where he will play an overweight black man so repulsive that he is lynched by a rampaging mob. Murphy also announced that he will be creating a new film studio called Fatso Pictures that will exclusively produce comedies mocking the overweight.

Local Cult Fails To Gain Popularity

DALLAS, TX - Malcolm Zinkler, a former plumber, has started his own cult, but so far it has failed to catch on. Zinkler formed the Blessed Rising of the Holy Fundamentalist Church of Modern-Day Apostles back in 1997, but so far has managed to hold onto only two members - his wife Jean and his daughter Kelly. Ex-cult members blame Zinkler's complete lack of charisma and organizational skills as two main reasons for leaving his flock.

One of the former cult members, Phillip Rangel, was only in the cult for two days before dropping out, saying, "I really wanted to stay with it, but it wasn't working out. It just wasn't what I was looking for in a cult."

Betty Stevenson, another former cult member, agrees. She only attended one of the cult's meetings before withdrawing.

"It became immediately apparent that he wasn't a leader," Stevenson said. "For one thing, Zinkler's a really bad speaker. He was really nervous and shaky and kept dropping his notes. And he has a severe speech impediment that made him hard to understand. And his mumbling didn't help. When I go to a cult meeting, I expect to be mesmerized. This guy made me fall asleep."

Rangel expressed another concern about Zinkler, which is that his beliefs were very poorly-defined. "Zinkler couldn't give me a real good idea of the cult's philosphies. One day he said that God wanted us to all dress in black because colors are the work of the Devil. Then the next day, he said he was wrong, that God wanted us all to wear white because black is the work of the Devil. Then he came back the next week and said that God dropped the dress code, just wear whatever we want. I need consistency in my cults."

Stevenson agreed with his assessment, saying, "Zinkler wanted us to give him all his money. When I asked if that would get us a place in heaven, he said no, it would just help him get a bigger house. He also said he wants us to take up arms against the government and commit suicide if our compound was breached. When we asked why, Zinkler just said he thought it would be a good idea. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not dying for that."

After leaving Zinkel's cult three months ago, Rangel moved on to the Dark Journey cult, where he is said to be pleased with the results. He has already lost all his worldly belongings to its leader Zolkar, been married to a porcupine, and fallen into a drug-induced haze preparing for the Apocalypse.

Even the FBI has lost interest in Zinkler. FBI Agent Hank Rockwell was leading the investigation on Zinkler and said, "When we heard there was a new cult out there preaching the destruction of the U.S. government and its members giving away all their worldly possessions, we were concerned. But when we saw one of Zinkler's meetings, we dropped the case. We knew this guy's cult wasn't getting off the ground."

Richard Loman, a motivational speaker for sales representaves all over the country, believes that Zinkler's cult could be saved, but will require some major changes.

"Zinkler has a good start," said Loman, "but he needs help. I would recommend taking some classes on public speaking and religious philosophy, and hiring a style coach to improve his hygeine and appearance. With the right guidance, Zinkler could be marrying underage girls and barricading his followers against an FBI assault on his compound in no time."

The only members of the cult still remaining are Zinkler's wife and child, and even they are not loyal followers. His wife Jean said, "When Malcolm started the cult, I wanted to be supportive so we joined up, but it's just not working out. I told him, he's got one month. If this cult doesn't pick up by then, he needs to get a real job. I told him, maybe you're just not cut for this. Not everybody can be a cult leader."