China Kills Olympic Protestors To Maintain Olympic Ideals of Peace

BEIJING, CHINA - In the wake of continuing protests by the world community over the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, the Chinese military rounded up forty men and women protesting the Games in Guiyang and executed them by firing squad. China replied to criticism of the executions by arguing that they were simply trying to maintain the Olympic ideals of peace.

As the Olympic Games have approached, China has faced a barrage of protests over its human rights abuses, occupation of Tibet, and oppressive rule of its citizens. Protesters have followed the Olympic Torch as it made its journey around the world, in some cases trying to douse the flames. China has insisted that the Games should not be made political, and should instead be seen in a spirit of peace, unity, and harmony. As a result, said China's president Hu Jintao in a speech given on national television, all protests to the Olympic Games will now be met with lethal force.

"I now declare," said Jintao, "China to be under martial law. Soldiers will be patrolling the streets of all cities and towns and have orders to shoot any protesters to the Olympic Games on sight without benefit of trial. In addition, Chinese soldiers will be escorting the Olympic torch along its route and punish all those who attempt to interfere. We also give notice to the world community that China will not tolerate such behavior abroad. Any nation that allows Olympic protests within its borders will be considered a hostile nation, and such protests will be considered an act of war, leading to retaliatory measures up to and including invasion by Chinese military. During the Games, armed soldiers will be stationed throughout the arena. Anyone who speaks against the Olympics or the People's Republic of China will be dragged out of the stands onto the field and executed immediately. Only this way may we maintain the purity and neutrality of the Olympic message that sports can unite all people in the spirit of unity and love."

Charlton Heston's Guns Pried From Cold, Dead Hands

Charlton Heston, Oscar-winning actor of such films as Ben-Hur, and former president of the National Rifle Association, has died at the age of 84. At his funeral, gun control activists pried his guns from his cold, dead hands.

Heston was best-known for his starring roles in movies such as The Ten Commandments and Planet of the Apes, and his Academy Award-winning role in Ben-Hur. In later years, Heston became better known as a spokesman and eventually the president of the National Rifle Association. At NRA conventions, Heston would hold up a rifle and deliver his catch phrase, "From my cold, dead hands," an abbreviated version of the NRA's slogan "I'll give you my gun when you take it from my cold, dead hands."

Shortly after his death on Saturday, several gun control organizations submitted formal requests to take his statement literally. One request read, in part, "Heston frequently stated that his guns would be available when his hands were cold and dead. We believe his current state qualifies."

Sandra Froman, the current president of the National Rifle Association, was dismayed, but honored the requests. She stated, "We don't like it, but there's nothing we can do about it. It was a legitimate and standing offer that Mister Heston presented at almost every appearance. We all thought it was just a joke. Never thought anyone would take it seriously."

At Heston's funeral, all of his guns were placed in his hands inside his casket. Just before the casket was lowered into the grave, gun control activists climbed into the casket and wrenched the guns from Heston's hands. One of them, William Froden of Americans For Gun Control, said afterwards, "It was kind of hard because rigor mortis had already set in. I think I might have broken one of Heston's thumbs, but I got his antique flintlock rifle. We're planning to melt the guns down and turn them into trigger locks. We'll sell the locks and use the proceeds to promote gun control legislation."

UPDATE: The Onion published an article on April 7, 2008 with a similar title and theme. This version was written before the author was aware of the Onion's and bows to the Masters. But still thinks it's funny.

Fox Sues Al Franken For Use Of Phrase "Al Franken"

Originally Posted on 08/25/2003 by the now defunct Newshax.com

WASHINGTON, DC - On Monday, the Fox News Network filed a lawsuit against comedian and author Al Franken for his use of the phrase "Al Franken." In court papers, the network alleges that it owns the copyright to the name and wants to stop publication of Franken's new book "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right."

In the court papers filed in Manhattan's State Supreme Court by Fox, the network claims that it copyrighted the phrase "Al Franken" in April of 1998. The lawsuit also claims that Al Franken's face mimics the look and style of the Fox News Network. It insists that Franken is trying to confuse the public into mistaking Al Franken for popular Fox talk-show host Bill O'Reilly.

Fox's lawsuit seeks to block Penguin Books from publishing Al Franken's book, and also demands that Al Franken change his name and undergo plastic surgery to change his appearance from a nerdy middle-aged Jewish man to a hundred-year old Eskimo woman.

Ugly and Poor Criticize Fashion of Rich and Beautiful

HOLLYWOOD, CA - E! Entertainment Television aired its fifth annual Worst Dressed at the Best special, a show dedicated to celebrities who, in the opinion of a panel of unattractive and low-paid non-celebrities, were the most poorly dressed celebrities of the year.

The panel consisted of stand-up comedian Carole Blake, fashion columnist for Us Weekly Geoff Almstead, and entertainment blogger William "Romeo" Paz. The three reviewed footage taken on the red carpet of the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Grammy Awards, and the Emmy Awards.

"The Bride of Frankenstein called," said Carole Blake of Halle Berry, voted one of the World's Most Beautiful People eleven times by People Magazine. "She wants her makeup back." Blake herself wore purple eye shadow and uneven lipstick that she applied herself, and a tight-fitting purple blouse that swelled around her love handles.

Almstead selected Brad Pitt at the Academy Awards for Pitt's ponytail hairstyle. "That ponytail just does not flatter him at all," said Almstead, who combs his thinning hair over his bald spot.

While viewing footage of the Golden Globes, Romeo singled out Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, saying, "The dress is okay, but that huge green bow on her shoulder is a disaster." Romeo then proceeded to make suggestions on ways to improve the award-winning design of the world-famous Louis Vuitton dress, valued at over three hundred thousand dollars.

In the end, the three panelists voted Jessica Simpson as the worst dressed celebrity of all for her polka-dot dress and curly hairstyle worn at the Grammy Awards. The panelists traded quips about Simpson, who won an award for Album of the Year, and whose last album grossed over five hundred million dollars. None of the three panelists earned over thirty thousand dollars last year.