Britney Spears Makes Big Comeback for 3,811 Time

After going through the catastrophic events of the past year, fans and news media are calling pop singer Britney Spears' upcoming appearance on the hit sitcom Friendly Fire her big comeback. This is the 3,811th self-proclaimed "big comeback."

Britney Spears reached untold heights of popularity during the nineties with such hit pop songs as "Oops, I Did It Again" and "I'm a Slave 4 U." In the last decade, Britney Spears went through a series of tumultuous events that caused her popularity to decline. Her freefall began with the short-lived one-day marriage to Jason Allen Alexander in 2004, and came to a peak when she shaved her head in a hair salon in 2007. Since then, many media pundits and Spears fans have been quick to call her every positive move her "big comeback" (included her disastrous performance for the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards) only to find her career overshadowed by troubles in her personal life.

Her latest comeback will be a guest appearance on the hit NBC sitcom Friendly Fire later this month. Spears is scheduled to play herself in an episode where the cast gets locked into a music store during a tornado. Though she is only slated to appear for a total of ten seconds, Spears' cameo has already generated a great deal of publicity.

Mary Lee Alvarado, the founder of Spears' biggest fan website "Britney Spears is Awesome," is enthusiastic about the cameo. "Britney has been through a lot over the last few years, but people really love her. It's been hard to watch her suffer, but she's a talented girl. She's just going through a rough patch right now, but when she gets herself together, Britney will be right back on top. We think this could be the start of her journey back into our hearts."

But one person who disagrees is psychiatrist and media expert, Lawrence Percivall. He stated, "I seriously doubt a brief appearance on a popular TV show is going to repair the damage that she's already done to her image and continues to do. Britney Spears needs drug treatment and psychiatric counseling. Some people spend their whole lives struggling with the problems Spears has. She's not going to become a whole person overnight. She may never become grounded enough to hold down a successful music career again. Her public needs to face the fact that the Britney Spears they knew and loved may never return. She may never have existed at all. Look, Britney Spears is not the sweet, loveable, virginal girl that her PR department claimed her to be. Britney Spears is a foul-mouthed, divorced mother in her late twenties who suffers from a severe mental illness and an addiction to illegal substances. It's not just a matter of Spears releasing a new hit song or getting a new film role. Her fans have to accept reality. It's over, people. Let it go."

This morning, the Associated Press reported that on the way towards filming her appearance on Friendly Fire, Spears was photographed topless with a Satanic symbol tattooed on each breast and a crack pipe in her mouth, dangling her oldest son out of a car window while driving the wrong way down a freeway. Her publicist has declined to comment on the incident.

Local Weatherman Looking Forward to Hurricane

CLEMENTINE, FL - Hurricane Ernest has been upgraded to a Category Two storm as it approaches the coast of Florida, packing 100mph winds. Forecasters fear the hurricane could gain even more strength before fully hitting land, and could cause billions of dollars in damage and possible loss of life. George Zimmerman, a weatherman on the local news television station KFXC in the town of Clementine, says he's looking forward to it.

"I don't usually have a lot to do around here," said Zimmerman. "They give me a few minutes at the beginning of the broadcast and five minutes at the end, but that's about it. Even then, it's the usual 'here's the day's weather, here's the week's forecast,' usual crap. But when there's a hurricane or other natural disaster, then KFXC becomes the Zimmer's house."

Zimmerman has already been scheduled to lead tonight's six o'clock newscast with a report on the hurricane's progress, followed by a follow-up segment where he is interviewed by the anchors on what causes hurricanes. Zimmerman is also planning a trip to the coast for a live broadcast from the beach. If the hurricane hits, Zimmerman is prepared to do hourly updates on the affected areas and even interview victims of the storm.

Despite his enthusiasm, Zimmerman is concerned that the hurricane could lose strength and become a tropical storm with far less impact. He says, "Last thing I want to do is do one of those stupid reports where I just talk about what could have been. Either that or just report on a bunch of trees blown over. That would be a real let-down."

Music Companies File Lawsuit To Prevent Illegal Whistling

LOS ANGELES, CA - In a lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in Northern California, the Recording Industry Association of America announced plans to sue everyone in the United States for illegal whistling of copyrighted songs. According to the suit, individuals are guilty of copyright infringement by knowingly reproducing music with their mouths without compensation.

Following its success against peer-to-peer software like Napster, the music industry has expanded its attacks from the investors in the software to individuals who download copyrighted music. The whistling lawsuit against everyone else is considered a logical step by the industry.

Cary Sherman, senior vice president and general counsel of the RIAA spoke outside the courthouse to explain his actions. "We launched this suit because millions of people whistle every day in this country with no regard for copyright laws. The industry loses billions of dollars when people whistle songs instead of buying records. To reproduce another artists' work without payment is not just harmless fun. It's piracy."

The lawsuit, which is supported by artists like Metallica and Dr. Dre, demands payment from everyone in the United States who has ever whistled a song. "However," Sherman added, "the music industry is sensitive to the desires of its consumers and is working on legal solutions. That's why we're setting up a service that will allow consumers to purchase the right to whistle for only thirty dollars per song."

At the same time, the RIAA launched a suit against Earle Hagen and Herbert Spencer, the authors of the theme song for "The Andy Griffith Show" for promoting unauthorized whistling, and Hershey Foods for producing sour candy that promotes the pursing of lips.