Local Scumbag is Local Hero

Malcolm Morgan, 24, was honored this morning at a ceremony by the mayor for his daring rescue of a group of orphaned children from a deadly fire. Morgan, a drug dealer despised in his community, was honored for his brief bout of selflessness, considered the only thing of worth that he'll commit in his brief and contemptible life.

According to police reports and witnesses, the St.Thomas Home For Orphaned Children was accidentally set on fire by a short in the wiring. Within minutes, the orphanage was engulfed in flames, trapping fifteen boys and girls inside. With fire trucks unable to reach the scene in time, Morgan was seen running into the fire and came out leading the fifteen children to safety. All of the children suffered only minor injuries. Morgan himself suffered second-degree burns on his face and left arm.

Morgan was immediately hailed as a hero and the mayor made plans to present him with the key to the city. Attempts to portray Morgan in the media as a valiant protector became more difficult once the facts of his life were revealed. Police reports show that Morgan has been arrested eight times, three times for drug possession, twice for driving under the influence, twice for domestic abuse, and once for sexual assault. Police claim that Morgan works for Vinnie "the Beast" Caligeri, a Mafia crime boss, distributing methamphetamine on a street corner outside his house. Morgan has been seen by local residents trying to sell meth at a nearby school playground, and at least three children under the age of ten accuse him of trying to give them free samples. Morgan has also been quoted as saying that he despises children, despite the fact that he's the father of fourteen children by ten different mothers, all of whom he owes unpaid child support for.

When asked why he saved the children in the first place, Morgan explained, "Well, I was pretty high that morning, and I ran into the flames 'cause I thought that orphanage was a brothel with red-headed women nine feet high in it. When the heat brought me to, I went stumbling out from the smoke, and some of them rotten kids grabbed hold of my T-shirt. I yelled at 'em that they'd slow me down and tried to kick some o' them back into the flames, but they were kinda small and I was so high that I couldn't get 'em off. So I had no choice but to pull 'em out with me."

Despite Morgan's history, Mayor Antonio Ruelas decided to go ahead with the ceremony. As he held the key in the air, Morgan stumbled onto the stage wearing a dirty wife-beater and pants three sizes two large that fell around his ankles. At that point, it was revealed that he wore no underwear. Several members of the audience stated that he smelled like he hadn't showered in weeks. Morgan seemed confused and inebriated, screaming profanities, and tossing lit cigarettes into the crowd. Morgan took the key, used the key to make an obscene gesture, and then began singing a song of such offensive content that his microphone was turned off seconds after he began.

Morgan was arrested shortly after leaving the stage. He is currently being charged with indecent exposure, drunk and disorderly conduct, making threatening statements to a public official, distribution of illegal substances, assault, and numerous other charges. The mayor's office apologized for the incident, insisting that Morgan's contribution was still significant. Said Mayor Ruelas, "Mister Morgan will always be a hero to those kids he saved. At least, until they get old enough to know better."

Store Manager Suspects Jewish Employees of Making Up Holidays

MOBILE, AL - Gordon Baker, the store manager for MayDay Groceries, is finding himself suspicious of the many holidays that his Jewish employees are taking time off for. In fact, Baker is even beginning to suspect that some of the holidays are fictional.

Baker, who grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood and had little contact with Jews prior to his working at MayDay Groceries, has become concerned since hiring two devout Jewish employees in 2008. His first conflict came when he tried to shift their schedules to work on Sunday. Baker was told by both employees that they could not work on Sunday for religious reasons.

“They said it was somethin’ called the Sabbath,” said Baker. “That God said they couldn’t work on Sundays, ‘cause that’s a sacred day or what-not. Well, I think Sundays a sacred day, too. I go to church every Sunday, but I never have to take the whole day off. Made me suspicious, like they were looking for a way to ditch working weekends. But I let that one pass.”

Conflict came up again when the employees requested time off during Christmas. Baker said, “One of ‘em claimed she had take a few days off for something called ‘Hanukkah.’ Well, I saw right through that. I told her that there was already a holiday around that time; Christmas. She tried to say Hanukkah’s a holiday that only Jews observed, and that Jews don’t celebrate Christmas. I’m not sure I believed that, but I let that one go, too. But now it seems like they’re coming up with all sorts of new holidays. Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur. It never ends with these people.”

Baker plans to go on the Internet or consult with a rabbi to verify the existence of all Jewish holidays from now on.

He added, “We just hired a Muslim, and I think I need to keep an eye on them, too. There’s something called Ramadan that he keeps going on about.”

Farrah Fawcett's Coffin To Feature Erect Nipples

LOS ANGELES, CA - On June 25, 2009, the Golden Globe and Emmy-nominated actress Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer. She was 62. To honor her memory, Fawcett’s family has decided to decorate her coffin with a pair of erect nipples.

Fawcett was the star of numerous movies and television shows, most famously the TV series Charlie’s Angels. Yet one of Fawcett’s most enduring legacies is a poster taken of her in 1976. The poster, which sold over twelve million copies, featured Fawcett in a red one-piece swimsuit with visibly erect nipples.

Fawcett’s longtime companion and fiancé Ryan O’Neal said, “Besides her feathered blond hair, Fawcett was most known for her nipples. As her most popular physical feature, we feel the best way to honor her legacy will be to put those nipples front and center. They’ll be the last thing the world will see of her, just as they were the nipples that introduced her to the world.”

Famed sculptor Dmitri Patrick will create two hand-carved wooden nipples to be attached to the chest area of Fawcett’s coffin. In an interview, Patrick said, “Before her death, I took as many photographs of her breasts as I could. To make sure the nipples are true to life. Not for my personal use or anything like that, of course. The nipple sculptures will be built to scale, ten times the original size. I think her fans will be pleased. Very pleased.”

Plans have been made to make posters of Farrah Fawcett’s coffin and sell them online to defray the cost of her funeral. Amazon.com has announced that pre-orders for the coffin posters have already exceeded three million.