Conspiracy Theorists Promise Paranoid Fantasy About Columbia Shuttle

Originally posted on Feb. 2, 2003 on the now defunct Newshax.com

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - Minutes after the destruction of the space shuttle Columbia was confirmed, the Association of Paranoid Investigators held a conference to announce that they would launch a full investigation to develop a paranoid fantasy around the accident.

Spokesman Jameson Norton said, "The American people demands to find meaning and get to the bottom of this tragedy in the most ridiculous manner possible. As part of our continuing insistence that everything that happens is somehow connected to a non-existent conspiracy, we must do our part."

The committee expects rapid progress. "I already see some promising leads in the avenue of extraterrestrials since it was in space, and possibly the U.S. government. Mind control is always good, but I don't see that here. The Israeli astronaut is a no-brainer to tie in the Jewish conspiracy, but the Indian astronaut is a tough one. Isn't the Abominable Snowman in India?"

The committee headed by well-known lunatics will attempt to connect the destruction of the shuttle Columbia with terrorism, the AIDS virus, the Elders of Zion, Bill Clinton, the Freemasons, a shadow U.S. government, aliens, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and Bigfoot.

"It will be quite a challenge," said Norton, "but we've risen to the occasion before. They said the World Trade Center and the Internet couldn't be part of the conspiracy, but we showed them. The world owes it to us to exaggerate a simple accident into a complex event tied to all of human history. We will not rest until we have created a conspiracy theory regarding the Columbia disaster that is full of nonsensical and irrational conclusions."

Whitney Houston Remembered as Great Musician, Crackhead

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Whitney Houston, award-winning R&B singer, has been found dead in a Hilton hotel room in Beverly Hills. Though the cause of death has yet to be determined, the music industry has come out to honor her memory as a great musician and crackhead.

Houston was a multi-platinum singer whose powerful voice carried her up the charts throughout the eighties and well into the nineties. Known for her hit songs such as "The Greatest Love of All" and her roles in hit movies such as The Bodyguard, Houston's career plummeted in later years. During her marriage with R&B singer Bobby Brown, Houston fell into a pattern of alcoholism and drug abuse that hampered her recent comeback attempts. She admits to using marijuana, cocaine, Xanax, Valium, and later crack mixed with marijuana. On Sunday, Houston's body was found in a bathtub in her hotel room, surrounded by prescription pill bottles. Her drug use has been a persistent theme in Houston's memorials.

Fellow pop diva Mariah Carey issued a statement that read in part, "The world has lost a giant of pop music. What I will always remember most about Whitney is her beauty and outstanding musical skills. And, of course, Whitney being a boozy cokehead."

Oprah Winfrey, the talk show host who interviewed Houston about her drug addiction, said to ABC News, "Whitney died as she lived - surrounded by pills and drunk as a skunk."

At the 2012 Grammy Awards, Jennifer Hudson honored Whitney Houston by performing a rendition of Houston's signature song, "I Will Always Love You." At the end, she downed a whole bottle of vodka, snorted an ounce of cocaine, and tumbled off the stage. Those in attendance praised the performance as true to Houston's legacy.

Suzanne Evans, an audience member, later said, "It was like Whitney was right there with us again, and she was just as high as ever."

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Giant Rodent Skeleton Unearthed Inside Richard Gere

Originally posted on 09/18/2003 on the now-defunct Newshax

 

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On Thursday night, Richard Gere was taken to the Queen of Angels Presbyterian Hospital in Hollywood, complaining of abdominal pains. When doctors examined Gere, they found the skeleton of a gigantic prehistoric rodent lodged in the actor's rectum. 

Researchers have identified the skeleton as belonging to a previously unknown species of rodent that dates back eight million years. The rodent, called Phoberomys Pattersoni, is the largest rodent ever known. It measured over seven feet long and weighed over a thousand pounds.

Of even greater interest than the skeleton itself is the question of how it ended up inside Richard Gere. However, the actor refused to comment on the incident as he left the hospital. His press agent has claimed that Gere was walking past an archaeological site in Venezuela when he tripped and fell on the skeleton.

Police Adopt New 'Michael Jackson Policy' For Suspected Child Molesters

Originally posted on 11/21/2003 on the now defunct Newshax.com

SANTA BARBARA, CA - In an effort to keep his promise that he would not treat singer Michael Jackson any differently than anyone else, Santa Barbara sheriff Jim Anderson announced a new policy in dealing with accused child molesters. Santa Barbara police will now allow suspected child molesters to be warned of their arrest ahead of time, and give them an unspecified amount of time to wander the country while they negotiate their surrender.

Santa Barbara sheriff Jim Anderson described the new policy as being "the only reasonable alternative," given the latitude extended to Michael Jackson. After Jackson was accused on Wednesday of multiple counts of child abuse, police faced some criticism for their treatment of the pop star. Anderson insisted that wasn't true and that, in the future, everyone accused of molesting children will be given the same latitude.

Anderson went on to detail the process, which would start by announcing on national television that an arrest warrant has been issued for the suspect. That would be a change from the usual policy where the police try to surprise the suspect to keep him from escaping before they arrive. The police will also wait for the suspect to leave the state so that he is out of their jurisdiction, preventing the police from carrying out the arrest.

Neither would the Santa Barbara police make arrangements with law enforcement outside the state to arrest and extradite the suspected child molester back to California. Instead, in the interests of fairness, suspected child molesters will be given millions of dollars and their own private plane. They will be allowed to board the plane with three prepubescent children, access to their money, and a passport and fly around the country while they decide if they want to surrender. When and if they do surrender, the suspected child molester will be allowed to dictate the time and place of his or her arrest. This would include where they are booked, how they are booked, and whether their photograph will be released to the media. Once the suspected child molester is booked, he will be allowed to go free.

When reporters asked if the new policy would be extended to other crimes, Sheriff Anderson said no. "Bank robbery, kidnapping, murder, these are all serious crimes. We wouldn't want those kinds of people running around loose. But with something like sexual misconduct with children, I think we can cut them some slack."

Report: Atkins Died of Mad Cow Disease

Originally posted on 2/14/2004 at the now defunct Newshax.com

NEW YORK - The Wall Street Journal released a report that claimed the famed diet guru Doctor Robert Atkins did not die of a head injury from slipping on ice, as originally claimed. Instead, the coroner's report showed that Atkins died of mad cow disease from consuming too much beef.

Some have criticized Atkins' diet advice that stresses protein-rich meat and cheese over carbohydrates. They especially focused on the sections which encouraged patients to eat whole cow brains and spinal columns. Atkins himself was known to consume fourteen cow brains a day and once said that he liked "the spongy ones" best.

Atkins' widow, Veronica Atkins, was outraged that the report had been made public and insisted it was not true. "The allegations by the press are completely false. The foaming at the mouth and uncontrolled mooing that my husband exhibited before his death is perfectly normal for a man his weight and age."

Supporters of Atkins' advice, mostly members of the meat and cheese industry, insist that the diet is safe. They continue to encourage the consumption of meat, cheese, and cow brains.

Rosie O'Donnell Confirmed As Illegitimate Daughter of Keiko the Killer Whale

Originally posted on 12/22/2003 on the now-defunct Newshax.com

MIAMI, FL - The family of Keiko released a statement on Monday acknowledging that Rosie O'Donnell is the killer whale's illegitimate daughter. O'Donnell went public with her claim that the late star of the movie Free Willy was her father in a report published by The Washington Post on Saturday. Keiko's relatives released a statement on Monday that confirmed the claim.

"As Keiko has passed away and cannot speak for himself and couldn't speak English anyway, Keiko's family acknowledges Miss O'Donnell's claim to Keiko's heritage," the statement said. "We hope this acknowledgment will bring closure for Miss O'Donnell and explain her extraordinary size."

The killer whale known as Keiko was famous for his work in the movie Free Willy. He was originally captured and sold to a marine park in 1973. Starting in 1993, Keiko starred in three movies of the Free Willy franchise. He died Friday afternoon from a sudden onset of pneumonia.


At the time she was conceived, Keiko was unmarried and living in the Pacific Ocean when O'Donnell's mother fell overboard during a cruise. Keiko and the woman had a brief love affair until O'Donnell's mother ran out of oxygen and returned to the surface. O'Donnell told the Post that Keiko privately acknowledged her as his daughter and provided her with ten tons of fish every year. O'Donnell said she had not disclosed her paternity because of their mutual "deep respect" and her fears that it would harm Keiko's movie career.