The New Yuk Times

Giant Rodent Skeleton Unearthed Inside Richard Gere

2012-02-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on 09/18/2003 on the now-defunct Newshax

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On Thursday night, Richard Gere was taken to the Queen of Angels Presbyterian Hospital in Hollywood, complaining of abdominal pains. When doctors examined Gere, they found the skeleton of a gigantic prehistoric rodent lodged in the actor's rectum.

Researchers have identified the skeleton as belonging to a previously unknown species of rodent that dates back eight million years. The rodent, called Phoberomys Pattersoni, is the largest rodent ever known. It measured over seven feet long and weighed over a thousand pounds.

Of even greater interest than the skeleton itself is the question of how it ended up inside Richard Gere. However, the actor refused to comment on the incident as he left the hospital. His press agent has claimed that Gere was walking past an archaeological site in Venezuela when he tripped and fell on the skeleton.

Police Adopt New 'Michael Jackson Policy' For Suspected Child Molesters

2012-02-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on 11/21/2003 on the now defunct Newshax.com

SANTA BARBARA, CA - In an effort to keep his promise that he would not treat singer Michael Jackson any differently than anyone else, Santa Barbara sheriff Jim Anderson announced a new policy in dealing with accused child molesters. Santa Barbara police will now allow suspected child molesters to be warned of their arrest ahead of time, and give them an unspecified amount of time to wander the country while they negotiate their surrender.

Santa Barbara sheriff Jim Anderson described the new policy as being "the only reasonable alternative," given the latitude extended to Michael Jackson. After Jackson was accused on Wednesday of multiple counts of child abuse, police faced some criticism for their treatment of the pop star. Anderson insisted that wasn't true and that, in the future, everyone accused of molesting children will be given the same latitude.

Anderson went on to detail the process, which would start by announcing on national television that an arrest warrant has been issued for the suspect. That would be a change from the usual policy where the police try to surprise the suspect to keep him from escaping before they arrive. The police will also wait for the suspect to leave the state so that he is out of their jurisdiction, preventing the police from carrying out the arrest.

Neither would the Santa Barbara police make arrangements with law enforcement outside the state to arrest and extradite the suspected child molester back to California. Instead, in the interests of fairness, suspected child molesters will be given millions of dollars and their own private plane. They will be allowed to board the plane with three prepubescent children, access to their money, and a passport and fly around the country while they decide if they want to surrender. When and if they do surrender, the suspected child molester will be allowed to dictate the time and place of his or her arrest. This would include where they are booked, how they are booked, and whether their photograph will be released to the media. Once the suspected child molester is booked, he will be allowed to go free.

When reporters asked if the new policy would be extended to other crimes, Sheriff Anderson said no. "Bank robbery, kidnapping, murder, these are all serious crimes. We wouldn't want those kinds of people running around loose. But with something like sexual misconduct with children, I think we can cut them some slack."

Report: Atkins Died of Mad Cow Disease

2012-02-01T08:53:00.001-08:00

Originally posted on 2/14/2004 at the now defunct Newshax.com

NEW YORK - The Wall Street Journal released a report that claimed the famed diet guru Doctor Robert Atkins did not die of a head injury from slipping on ice, as originally claimed. Instead, the coroner's report showed that Atkins died of mad cow disease from consuming too much beef.

Some have criticized Atkins' diet advice that stresses protein-rich meat and cheese over carbohydrates. They especially focused on the sections which encouraged patients to eat whole cow brains and spinal columns. Atkins himself was known to consume fourteen cow brains a day and once said that he liked "the spongy ones" best.

Atkins' widow, Veronica Atkins, was outraged that the report had been made public and insisted it was not true. "The allegations by the press are completely false. The foaming at the mouth and uncontrolled mooing that my husband exhibited before his death is perfectly normal for a man his weight and age."

Supporters of Atkins' advice, mostly members of the meat and cheese industry, insist that the diet is safe. They continue to encourage the consumption of meat, cheese, and cow brains.

Rosie O'Donnell Confirmed As Illegitimate Daughter of Keiko the Killer Whale

2012-02-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on 12/22/2003 on the now-defunct Newshax.com

MIAMI, FL - The family of Keiko released a statement on Monday acknowledging that Rosie O'Donnell is the killer whale's illegitimate daughter. O'Donnell went public with her claim that the late star of the movie Free Willy was her father in a report published by The Washington Post on Saturday. Keiko's relatives released a statement on Monday that confirmed the claim.

"As Keiko has passed away and cannot speak for himself and couldn't speak English anyway, Keiko's family acknowledges Miss O'Donnell's claim to Keiko's heritage," the statement said. "We hope this acknowledgment will bring closure for Miss O'Donnell and explain her extraordinary size."

The killer whale known as Keiko was famous for his work in the movie Free Willy. He was originally captured and sold to a marine park in 1973. Starting in 1993, Keiko starred in three movies of the Free Willy franchise. He died Friday afternoon from a sudden onset of pneumonia.

At the time she was conceived, Keiko was unmarried and living in the Pacific Ocean when O'Donnell's mother fell overboard during a cruise. Keiko and the woman had a brief love affair until O'Donnell's mother ran out of oxygen and returned to the surface. O'Donnell told the Post that Keiko privately acknowledged her as his daughter and provided her with ten tons of fish every year. O'Donnell said she had not disclosed her paternity because of their mutual "deep respect" and her fears that it would harm Keiko's movie career.

Amputee Receives Interchangable Weapon Limbs

2011-07-25T20:44:00.001-07:00

DENVER, CO -Through a radical new surgery, a local amputee has been given interchangable weapon limbs. The limbs will allow Joshua Carter, 24, to not only walk comfortably and manipulate objects, but also fire a multitude of high-powered ammunition. It is believed the new prosthetics will challenge views about amputees, and change the handicapped from sources of pity to sources of terror.

Joshua Carter, 24, lost both arms and one leg in a car accident ten years ago. Since then, he has worn a variety of prosthetic limbs designed to help him walk and recover a limited ability to hold objects. Thanks to a radical new surgery, his stumps have been fitted with a special socket that allows him to add and remove specially designed prosthetics. He still has prosthetics for his arms and legs that allow him to walk and pick up objects, but now also has prosthetics that will fire armor-piercing bullets, surface-to-air missiles, napalm, and rocket-propelled grenades.

Dr. Byron Lee, the lead surgeon who performed the surgery and designed the prosthetics, explained his decision. "It's one thing to provide a handicapped individual with the ability to lead a normal life. That's been done. What I wanted to do was provide a handicapped individual with the ability to lead a normal life, as well as take life away from others. I think this procedure will change the handicapped from someone to be pitied into someone to be feared."

At a press conference, Carter demonstrated his new prosthetics by firing a hundred armor-piercing rounds into a test dummy within three seconds, and shooting an F-35 fighter jet down from the sky.

If the operation proves successful, Dr. Lee plans to carry out more radical surgeries, such as mounting a legless amputee onto a tank, and embedding a quadriplegic into a ten-foot tall combat robot. As for Carter, he says that he has no immediate plans for his new weapons, but is considering a career in crime-fighting.

Amy Winehouse's Corpse Celebrates 24 Hours Sober

2011-07-25T20:18:00.001-07:00

LONDON, UK - Amy Winehouse, world-famous musician known more for her drug addiction than her music, was found dead in her home on Saturday at the age of 27. Today, the late Amy Winehouse's family and friends celebrated the fact that she has been sober for twenty-four hours straight since her death.

Born in 1983 in North London, Amy Winehouse was a celebrated singer and songwriter whose music was influenced by jazz, rock, funk, pop, and soul genres. She won five Grammy awards for her last album "Back in Black" in 2007. Winehouse was also acclaimed for refusing to fit the mold of female celebrities, sporting a black beehive hair-do, makeup that included heavy mascara, and plentiful tattoos. However, Winehouse's personal troubles quickly overtook her musical career. Rumors of drug binges gave way to photographs and videos of Winehouse intoxicated on alcohol and cocaine. Her performances became erratic with reports of her staggering on stage, unable to remember lyrics, and slurring her words. Winehouse was arrested multiple times for assault, and went through rehab three times, but would always fall back into her old ways. As yet, her cause of death has not been determined.

Despite their grief, Winehouse's relatives and acquaintances are praising the fact that she has been drug-free for twenty-four hours since her death. Ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil spoke to Good Morning America with Amy Winehouse's body propped up next to him, saying, "This is the longest that Amy has been clean and sober since 2004. They always say the first twenty-four hours are the hardest, and she made it through. We all consider this a huge step towards her eventual recovery. If Amy keeps this up for another day, this will be her longest streak of sobriety in almost a decade."

While many have high hopes that Winehouse will be able to maintain her abstinence, there have been unconfirmed sightings of Winehouse's corpse partying at local pubs.

Study: Your Parents Never Loved You

2009-07-27T15:59:00.001-07:00

VIRGINIA - A new study on the relationships between parents and their children was released on Tuesday. According to the researchers, the results of the lengthy study prove conclusively that your parents never loved you.

The study, conducted by the Center for Familial Interaction at the National Foundation for Social Research and Development based at the University of Virginia, arrived at several conclusions as to why your parents never loved you. For example, your mother resents you for ruining her figure, and taking up her time, preventing her from pursuing other things in her life. Your father resents you for using up his hard-earned money, taking all your mother’s attention away from him in his relationship, and for interfering with his love life. Both of them resent the amount of time they’ve devoted to you instead of themselves and each other. Research indicates that, despite what they might have told you, you were an accident that your parents didn’t really want.

Dr. Allan Clark, lead sociologist and the director of the Foundation, said, “We know this study may be painful for some people to hear, but unfortunately that can’t be helped. We checked our data a thousand times. There’s no other conclusion we can draw. You can ask your parents, and they may deny it and say they do love you, but they’re lying to you.”

The researchers are currently following up on the data, which may indicate more conclusions, such as that your parents always liked your siblings better than you, and that you might be adopted.

Local Scumbag is Local Hero

2009-06-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

Malcolm Morgan, 24, was honored this morning at a ceremony by the mayor for his daring rescue of a group of orphaned children from a deadly fire. Morgan, a drug dealer despised in his community, was honored for his brief bout of selflessness, considered the only thing of worth that he'll commit in his brief and contemptible life.

According to police reports and witnesses, the St.Thomas Home For Orphaned Children was accidentally set on fire by a short in the wiring. Within minutes, the orphanage was engulfed in flames, trapping fifteen boys and girls inside. With fire trucks unable to reach the scene in time, Morgan was seen running into the fire and came out leading the fifteen children to safety. All of the children suffered only minor injuries. Morgan himself suffered second-degree burns on his face and left arm.

Morgan was immediately hailed as a hero and the mayor made plans to present him with the key to the city. Attempts to portray Morgan in the media as a valiant protector became more difficult once the facts of his life were revealed. Police reports show that Morgan has been arrested eight times, three times for drug possession, twice for driving under the influence, twice for domestic abuse, and once for sexual assault. Police claim that Morgan works for Vinnie "the Beast" Caligeri, a Mafia crime boss, distributing methamphetamine on a street corner outside his house. Morgan has been seen by local residents trying to sell meth at a nearby school playground, and at least three children under the age of ten accuse him of trying to give them free samples. Morgan has also been quoted as saying that he despises children, despite the fact that he's the father of fourteen children by ten different mothers, all of whom he owes unpaid child support for.

When asked why he saved the children in the first place, Morgan explained, "Well, I was pretty high that morning, and I ran into the flames 'cause I thought that orphanage was a brothel with red-headed women nine feet high in it. When the heat brought me to, I went stumbling out from the smoke, and some of them rotten kids grabbed hold of my T-shirt. I yelled at 'em that they'd slow me down and tried to kick some o' them back into the flames, but they were kinda small and I was so high that I couldn't get 'em off. So I had no choice but to pull 'em out with me."

Despite Morgan's history, Mayor Antonio Ruelas decided to go ahead with the ceremony. As he held the key in the air, Morgan stumbled onto the stage wearing a dirty wife-beater and pants three sizes two large that fell around his ankles. At that point, it was revealed that he wore no underwear. Several members of the audience stated that he smelled like he hadn't showered in weeks. Morgan seemed confused and inebriated, screaming profanities, and tossing lit cigarettes into the crowd. Morgan took the key, used the key to make an obscene gesture, and then began singing a song of such offensive content that his microphone was turned off seconds after he began.

Morgan was arrested shortly after leaving the stage. He is currently being charged with indecent exposure, drunk and disorderly conduct, making threatening statements to a public official, distribution of illegal substances, assault, and numerous other charges. The mayor's office apologized for the incident, insisting that Morgan's contribution was still significant. Said Mayor Ruelas, "Mister Morgan will always be a hero to those kids he saved. At least, until they get old enough to know better."

Store Manager Suspects Jewish Employees of Making Up Holidays

2009-06-27T06:53:00.000-07:00

MOBILE, AL - Gordon Baker, the store manager for MayDay Groceries, is finding himself suspicious of the many holidays that his Jewish employees are taking time off for. In fact, Baker is even beginning to suspect that some of the holidays are fictional.

Baker, who grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood and had little contact with Jews prior to his working at MayDay Groceries, has become concerned since hiring two devout Jewish employees in 2008. His first conflict came when he tried to shift their schedules to work on Sunday. Baker was told by both employees that they could not work on Sunday for religious reasons.

“They said it was somethin’ called the Sabbath,” said Baker. “That God said they couldn’t work on Sundays, ‘cause that’s a sacred day or what-not. Well, I think Sundays a sacred day, too. I go to church every Sunday, but I never have to take the whole day off. Made me suspicious, like they were looking for a way to ditch working weekends. But I let that one pass.”

Conflict came up again when the employees requested time off during Christmas. Baker said, “One of ‘em claimed she had take a few days off for something called ‘Hanukkah.’ Well, I saw right through that. I told her that there was already a holiday around that time; Christmas. She tried to say Hanukkah’s a holiday that only Jews observed, and that Jews don’t celebrate Christmas. I’m not sure I believed that, but I let that one go, too. But now it seems like they’re coming up with all sorts of new holidays. Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur. It never ends with these people.”

Baker plans to go on the Internet or consult with a rabbi to verify the existence of all Jewish holidays from now on.

He added, “We just hired a Muslim, and I think I need to keep an eye on them, too. There’s something called Ramadan that he keeps going on about.”

Farrah Fawcett's Coffin To Feature Erect Nipples

2009-06-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - On June 25, 2009, the Golden Globe and Emmy-nominated actress Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer. She was 62. To honor her memory, Fawcett’s family has decided to decorate her coffin with a pair of erect nipples.

Fawcett was the star of numerous movies and television shows, most famously the TV series Charlie’s Angels. Yet one of Fawcett’s most enduring legacies is a poster taken of her in 1976. The poster, which sold over twelve million copies, featured Fawcett in a red one-piece swimsuit with visibly erect nipples.

Fawcett’s longtime companion and fiancé Ryan O’Neal said, “Besides her feathered blond hair, Fawcett was most known for her nipples. As her most popular physical feature, we feel the best way to honor her legacy will be to put those nipples front and center. They’ll be the last thing the world will see of her, just as they were the nipples that introduced her to the world.”

Famed sculptor Dmitri Patrick will create two hand-carved wooden nipples to be attached to the chest area of Fawcett’s coffin. In an interview, Patrick said, “Before her death, I took as many photographs of her breasts as I could. To make sure the nipples are true to life. Not for my personal use or anything like that, of course. The nipple sculptures will be built to scale, ten times the original size. I think her fans will be pleased. Very pleased.”

Plans have been made to make posters of Farrah Fawcett’s coffin and sell them online to defray the cost of her funeral. Amazon.com has announced that pre-orders for the coffin posters have already exceeded three million.

Scientists Create Flame-Retarded Material

2008-11-16T05:57:00.000-08:00

Dow Chemicals announced today the creation of a breakthrough new material that it says is the first "flame-retarded" cloth. The pre-treated cloth, which can be used to create clothing or blankets, makes any fire that comes in contact with it severely mentally handicapped.

Dow Chemicals spokeswoman, Lily Nguyen, explained the need for flame-retarded clothing. "It's difficult to make a material can be truly flame-retardant while also lightweight and comfortable. That's why we focused our efforts on flame-retarded material. The result is a cloth that is comfortable, easy to manufacture, of very low-cost, and provides the best protection for the wearer. It also makes fire extremely stupid."

The new flame-retarded material is treated with a complex blend of high-tech polymers and lead-based paint designed to affect any flame that comes in contact with the cloth. According to Dow Chemicals, the material works by reducing the flame's mental capacity so that it can't figure out how to burn the cloth or the wearer.

A demonstration by Dow showed a man dressed in the material walking through a raging inferno completely unharmed. As he passed through the fire, the flames became visibly retarded - banging into each other, burning in circles, and watching reruns of The Jerry Springer Show.

Although fire safety groups and fire departments have praised the new material, advocates have criticized it. A spokesperson for the People for the Mentally Disabled said, "Besides the sheer offensiveness of creating a cloth that turns fire mentally-deficient, we also object to the name of the material. We prefer the term 'fire with Down's Syndrome' or 'mentally challenged fire.'"

Dow Chemicals has said the fire-retarded material will be available by the end of the year. They stated the material should provide almost one hundred protection, but warned that there may be "fire savants" that can burn the wearer despite mental retardation.

Santa Claus Accused Of Fraudulent "Naughty Or Nice" Lists

2008-09-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

Santa Claus resigned on Friday evening in the wake of accusations of fraud after it was discovered that he faked entries on the official "Naughty or Nice" list. Santa Claus handed in his notice after questions were raised about the identity of five hundred children Claus placed on the list who did not exist.

The North Pole's World Population Commission discovered the falsified records during a routine audit performed every one hundred years. According to official documents, Santa Claus added the names of children to the list whose birth records could not be verified. When confronted with the audit, Claus admitted to forging names, as well as entering names for naughty children in the "nice" category and vice-versa.

On an episode of Meet the Elves, Santa Claus expert Hans Gunderstein expressed sympathy with the beloved Christmas icon. "With the increase in the world's population over the years, Santa Claus has been under a lot of stress. China alone takes Claus months to go through. My guess is that Claus just decided to start taking shortcuts somewhere along the line, and he went too far."

The Claus scandal has rocked the mascot industry and raised important questions about ethics. The U.S. Congress has already launched an investigation into the records of the Easter Bunny, and the British Parliament is organizing a financial audit of the Tooth Fairy's Swiss Bank accounts.

Shortly after the announcement of the fraud, Santa Claus submitted his resignation to his elves and went into seclusion. Mrs. Claus will be taking over operations until a permanent replacement can be found.

Pigs Fly

2008-08-25T14:30:00.001-07:00

The world was thrown into chaos today when pigs all over the Earth sprouted wings and began to fly. Besides the turmoil caused by thousands of pigs unexpectedly sailing through the air, further bedlam followed when events once thought to be impossible suddenly began to occur.

The expression "when pigs fly" is a common idiom in the English language used to humorously express that something will never happen, as in "I'll go out with him when pigs fly." Many people have used the expression for hundreds of years, but it's believed none of them expected it to ever come true.

Yet at approximately six forty-five AM CST, feathered wings suddenly grew on the backs of pigs all over the planet. Within the hour, all the pigs had gained control of their new wings and taken flight. It's believed that hundreds of planes have crashed as a result of colliding with the airborne pigs, and millions of windows on thousands of buildings have been smashed as a result of pigs falling through them. Zoologists are at a loss to explain how the previously land-based animals gained flight, except to suggest that it may be an unexpected side effect of growth hormones or genetic engineering.

Of greater significance is the fact that it seems everything predicted as happening "when pigs fly" actually began to happen. Beautiful women married unattractive men, people gave money to others who were clearly unable or unwilling to pay it back, construction projects that seemed sturdy collapsed, and people successfully gained employment at companies they are completely unqualified for.

Most of the pigs in the U.S. have been captured and will be identified and returned to their original owners. As for the unlikely chaos, the White House held an emergency press conference to warn the American people to remain calm. However, there has been renewed concern from reports by the Vatican that Hell has frozen over.

Britney Spears Makes Big Comeback for 3,811 Time

2008-07-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

After going through the catastrophic events of the past year, fans and news media are calling pop singer Britney Spears' upcoming appearance on the hit sitcom Friendly Fire her big comeback. This is the 3,811th self-proclaimed "big comeback."

Britney Spears reached untold heights of popularity during the nineties with such hit pop songs as "Oops, I Did It Again" and "I'm a Slave 4 U." In the last decade, Britney Spears went through a series of tumultuous events that caused her popularity to decline. Her freefall began with the short-lived one-day marriage to Jason Allen Alexander in 2004, and came to a peak when she shaved her head in a hair salon in 2007. Since then, many media pundits and Spears fans have been quick to call her every positive move her "big comeback" (included her disastrous performance for the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards) only to find her career overshadowed by troubles in her personal life.

Her latest comeback will be a guest appearance on the hit NBC sitcom Friendly Fire later this month. Spears is scheduled to play herself in an episode where the cast gets locked into a music store during a tornado. Though she is only slated to appear for a total of ten seconds, Spears' cameo has already generated a great deal of publicity.

Mary Lee Alvarado, the founder of Spears' biggest fan website "Britney Spears is Awesome," is enthusiastic about the cameo. "Britney has been through a lot over the last few years, but people really love her. It's been hard to watch her suffer, but she's a talented girl. She's just going through a rough patch right now, but when she gets herself together, Britney will be right back on top. We think this could be the start of her journey back into our hearts."

But one person who disagrees is psychiatrist and media expert, Lawrence Percivall. He stated, "I seriously doubt a brief appearance on a popular TV show is going to repair the damage that she's already done to her image and continues to do. Britney Spears needs drug treatment and psychiatric counseling. Some people spend their whole lives struggling with the problems Spears has. She's not going to become a whole person overnight. She may never become grounded enough to hold down a successful music career again. Her public needs to face the fact that the Britney Spears they knew and loved may never return. She may never have existed at all. Look, Britney Spears is not the sweet, loveable, virginal girl that her PR department claimed her to be. Britney Spears is a foul-mouthed, divorced mother in her late twenties who suffers from a severe mental illness and an addiction to illegal substances. It's not just a matter of Spears releasing a new hit song or getting a new film role. Her fans have to accept reality. It's over, people. Let it go."

This morning, the Associated Press reported that on the way towards filming her appearance on Friendly Fire, Spears was photographed topless with a Satanic symbol tattooed on each breast and a crack pipe in her mouth, dangling her oldest son out of a car window while driving the wrong way down a freeway. Her publicist has declined to comment on the incident.

Local Weatherman Looking Forward to Hurricane

2008-07-23T10:55:00.001-07:00

CLEMENTINE, FL - Hurricane Ernest has been upgraded to a Category Two storm as it approaches the coast of Florida, packing 100mph winds. Forecasters fear the hurricane could gain even more strength before fully hitting land, and could cause billions of dollars in damage and possible loss of life. George Zimmerman, a weatherman on the local news television station KFXC in the town of Clementine, says he's looking forward to it.

"I don't usually have a lot to do around here," said Zimmerman. "They give me a few minutes at the beginning of the broadcast and five minutes at the end, but that's about it. Even then, it's the usual 'here's the day's weather, here's the week's forecast,' usual crap. But when there's a hurricane or other natural disaster, then KFXC becomes the Zimmer's house."

Zimmerman has already been scheduled to lead tonight's six o'clock newscast with a report on the hurricane's progress, followed by a follow-up segment where he is interviewed by the anchors on what causes hurricanes. Zimmerman is also planning a trip to the coast for a live broadcast from the beach. If the hurricane hits, Zimmerman is prepared to do hourly updates on the affected areas and even interview victims of the storm.

Despite his enthusiasm, Zimmerman is concerned that the hurricane could lose strength and become a tropical storm with far less impact. He says, "Last thing I want to do is do one of those stupid reports where I just talk about what could have been. Either that or just report on a bunch of trees blown over. That would be a real let-down."

Music Companies File Lawsuit To Prevent Illegal Whistling

2008-07-06T05:34:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - In a lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in Northern California, the Recording Industry Association of America announced plans to sue everyone in the United States for illegal whistling of copyrighted songs. According to the suit, individuals are guilty of copyright infringement by knowingly reproducing music with their mouths without compensation.

Following its success against peer-to-peer software like Napster, the music industry has expanded its attacks from the investors in the software to individuals who download copyrighted music. The whistling lawsuit against everyone else is considered a logical step by the industry.

Cary Sherman, senior vice president and general counsel of the RIAA spoke outside the courthouse to explain his actions. "We launched this suit because millions of people whistle every day in this country with no regard for copyright laws. The industry loses billions of dollars when people whistle songs instead of buying records. To reproduce another artists' work without payment is not just harmless fun. It's piracy."

The lawsuit, which is supported by artists like Metallica and Dr. Dre, demands payment from everyone in the United States who has ever whistled a song. "However," Sherman added, "the music industry is sensitive to the desires of its consumers and is working on legal solutions. That's why we're setting up a service that will allow consumers to purchase the right to whistle for only thirty dollars per song."

At the same time, the RIAA launched a suit against Earle Hagen and Herbert Spencer, the authors of the theme song for "The Andy Griffith Show" for promoting unauthorized whistling, and Hershey Foods for producing sour candy that promotes the pursing of lips.

CDC Warns: Pootypox is a Serious Illness

2008-05-20T14:31:00.000-07:00

The Center for Disease Control held a press conference to warn the American public of the dangers of an epidemic of pootypox that is sweeping the nation. Despite the potentially lethal nature of the illness, pootypox has become a popular punchline among comedians, a trend that the CDC is attempting to stop.

Pootypox, named after the disease's discoverer Dr. Smak N. Pooty, is a highly contagious disease that causes an irritating rash that inflames and swells the genitals and anus, increased and persistent flatulence, and a Tourette's-like compulsion to scream profanity. The disease is spread through the air or physical contact. In less than one percent of contracted cases, pootypox can be fatal. There have been over four thousand cases nationwide, but no confirmed deaths in the US.

Though the disease was first discovered in 1866, it was considered relatively rare in the United States until last year, when an infected baboon bit a circus clown in the groin. Since the disease struck a nursing home in Mobile, Alabama, pootypox has drawn increased media attention. At the same time, pootypox has become a popular source of comedy among stand-up comedians and late-night talk show hosts.

CDC Director Bartholomew Horn spoke at the press conference, stressing the danger of the illness. "I would like to remind the American people that pootypox is a very serious illness. Though we have had no deaths in this country or any other country in the last fifty years from pootypox, the potential is always there. I would also add that the disease is extremely painful and incapacitating to those who endure it. I would invite those who would mock pootypox to witness a room full of elderly patients screaming curses at the top of their lungs, scratching their inflamed genitals, and passing gas non-stop, and then see how funny you think it is."

A video taken at the Peaceful Elms Nursing Facility showing a room full of elderly patients in the throes of the disease has already been viewed over one million times on YouTube and has been featured on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Arafat Calls For Cease-Fire Between Movie Critics and Gigli

2008-05-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

Originally published on August 1, 2003 at the now-defunct Newshax.com

Yassir Arafat has called for a cease-fire between movie critics and the movie Gigli." The hostilities began when "Gigli" was released in theaters on August 1. Movie critics almost universally panned the film, which responded by expanding its release to 2,215 screens nationwide. Critics in turn launched a retaliatory assault by declaring it the worst movie of 2003.
Arafat called for movie critics and "Gigli" to sit down and negotiate a peace treaty. His plan calls for "Gigli" to withdraw to its original release of 73 screens, and movie critics will refrain from mentioning "Gigli" in future reviews. Arafat also called continued references to the film by stand-up comedians "unhelpful."

Hip-Hop Artist and Pop Singer Trade Childhood

2008-05-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - In a landmark deal, hip-hop artist AK-47 and pop singer Ricky Knight have signed a deal to trade their childhoods to each other. AK-47, whose real name is Bartholomew Jones, grew up in an upper-class suburban neighborhood in Beverly Hills, California. Ricky Knight grew up in a lower-class ghetto in Detroit. AK-47 was a grade-A honor student and valedictorian. Knight joined a notorious street gang and was imprisoned for six years on drug charges. It is expected that the deal to exchange their childhood will greatly improve their images.

During the press conference announcing the deal, Knight's press agent explained, "Being a convicted drug dealer and gang member would seriously hurt Ricky's career in pop music. But it's perfect for a hip-hop star. Likewise, Mister Jones' clean-cut life would make him the butt of jokes in urban entertainment, but it's just the kind of history a teen heartthrob needs. We think it's a perfect fit."

The deal calls for the two singers to swap information for their official biographies. Ricky Knight will undergo cosmetic surgery to remove the scars from numerous bullet wounds, and Jones will have surgery to add the scars to himself. The deal also allows for the purchase of their childhood homes and provides five thousand dollars to each of the singers' former friends, families, and teachers to attribute their memories to each other.

China Kills Olympic Protestors To Maintain Olympic Ideals of Peace

2008-04-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

BEIJING, CHINA - In the wake of continuing protests by the world community over the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, the Chinese military rounded up forty men and women protesting the Games in Guiyang and executed them by firing squad. China replied to criticism of the executions by arguing that they were simply trying to maintain the Olympic ideals of peace.

As the Olympic Games have approached, China has faced a barrage of protests over its human rights abuses, occupation of Tibet, and oppressive rule of its citizens. Protesters have followed the Olympic Torch as it made its journey around the world, in some cases trying to douse the flames. China has insisted that the Games should not be made political, and should instead be seen in a spirit of peace, unity, and harmony. As a result, said China's president Hu Jintao in a speech given on national television, all protests to the Olympic Games will now be met with lethal force.

"I now declare," said Jintao, "China to be under martial law. Soldiers will be patrolling the streets of all cities and towns and have orders to shoot any protesters to the Olympic Games on sight without benefit of trial. In addition, Chinese soldiers will be escorting the Olympic torch along its route and punish all those who attempt to interfere. We also give notice to the world community that China will not tolerate such behavior abroad. Any nation that allows Olympic protests within its borders will be considered a hostile nation, and such protests will be considered an act of war, leading to retaliatory measures up to and including invasion by Chinese military. During the Games, armed soldiers will be stationed throughout the arena. Anyone who speaks against the Olympics or the People's Republic of China will be dragged out of the stands onto the field and executed immediately. Only this way may we maintain the purity and neutrality of the Olympic message that sports can unite all people in the spirit of unity and love."

Charlton Heston's Guns Pried From Cold, Dead Hands

2008-04-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

Charlton Heston, Oscar-winning actor of such films as Ben-Hur, and former president of the National Rifle Association, has died at the age of 84. At his funeral, gun control activists pried his guns from his cold, dead hands.

Heston was best-known for his starring roles in movies such as The Ten Commandments and Planet of the Apes, and his Academy Award-winning role in Ben-Hur. In later years, Heston became better known as a spokesman and eventually the president of the National Rifle Association. At NRA conventions, Heston would hold up a rifle and deliver his catch phrase, "From my cold, dead hands," an abbreviated version of the NRA's slogan "I'll give you my gun when you take it from my cold, dead hands."

Shortly after his death on Saturday, several gun control organizations submitted formal requests to take his statement literally. One request read, in part, "Heston frequently stated that his guns would be available when his hands were cold and dead. We believe his current state qualifies."

Sandra Froman, the current president of the National Rifle Association, was dismayed, but honored the requests. She stated, "We don't like it, but there's nothing we can do about it. It was a legitimate and standing offer that Mister Heston presented at almost every appearance. We all thought it was just a joke. Never thought anyone would take it seriously."

At Heston's funeral, all of his guns were placed in his hands inside his casket. Just before the casket was lowered into the grave, gun control activists climbed into the casket and wrenched the guns from Heston's hands. One of them, William Froden of Americans For Gun Control, said afterwards, "It was kind of hard because rigor mortis had already set in. I think I might have broken one of Heston's thumbs, but I got his antique flintlock rifle. We're planning to melt the guns down and turn them into trigger locks. We'll sell the locks and use the proceeds to promote gun control legislation."

UPDATE: The Onion published an article on April 7, 2008 with a similar title and theme. This version was written before the author was aware of the Onion's and bows to the Masters. But still thinks it's funny.

Fox Sues Al Franken For Use Of Phrase "Al Franken"

2008-04-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

Originally Posted on 08/25/2003 by the now defunct Newshax.com

WASHINGTON, DC - On Monday, the Fox News Network filed a lawsuit against comedian and author Al Franken for his use of the phrase "Al Franken." In court papers, the network alleges that it owns the copyright to the name and wants to stop publication of Franken's new book "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right."

In the court papers filed in Manhattan's State Supreme Court by Fox, the network claims that it copyrighted the phrase "Al Franken" in April of 1998. The lawsuit also claims that Al Franken's face mimics the look and style of the Fox News Network. It insists that Franken is trying to confuse the public into mistaking Al Franken for popular Fox talk-show host Bill O'Reilly.

Fox's lawsuit seeks to block Penguin Books from publishing Al Franken's book, and also demands that Al Franken change his name and undergo plastic surgery to change his appearance from a nerdy middle-aged Jewish man to a hundred-year old Eskimo woman.

Ugly and Poor Criticize Fashion of Rich and Beautiful

2008-04-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - E! Entertainment Television aired its fifth annual Worst Dressed at the Best special, a show dedicated to celebrities who, in the opinion of a panel of unattractive and low-paid non-celebrities, were the most poorly dressed celebrities of the year.

The panel consisted of stand-up comedian Carole Blake, fashion columnist for Us Weekly Geoff Almstead, and entertainment blogger William "Romeo" Paz. The three reviewed footage taken on the red carpet of the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Grammy Awards, and the Emmy Awards.

"The Bride of Frankenstein called," said Carole Blake of Halle Berry, voted one of the World's Most Beautiful People eleven times by People Magazine. "She wants her makeup back." Blake herself wore purple eye shadow and uneven lipstick that she applied herself, and a tight-fitting purple blouse that swelled around her love handles.

Almstead selected Brad Pitt at the Academy Awards for Pitt's ponytail hairstyle. "That ponytail just does not flatter him at all," said Almstead, who combs his thinning hair over his bald spot.

While viewing footage of the Golden Globes, Romeo singled out Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, saying, "The dress is okay, but that huge green bow on her shoulder is a disaster." Romeo then proceeded to make suggestions on ways to improve the award-winning design of the world-famous Louis Vuitton dress, valued at over three hundred thousand dollars.

In the end, the three panelists voted Jessica Simpson as the worst dressed celebrity of all for her polka-dot dress and curly hairstyle worn at the Grammy Awards. The panelists traded quips about Simpson, who won an award for Album of the Year, and whose last album grossed over five hundred million dollars. None of the three panelists earned over thirty thousand dollars last year.

NRA Supports New Handguns For Babies

2008-03-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

Originally published by the now-defunct Newshax.com...

Smith & Wesson has created the first handgun designed to be used by babies, and the National Rifle Association has officially endorsed it. Despite widespread protests by parental and gun-control groups, Smith & Wesson plans to begin distributing the baby handguns by the end of the month.

Created by Smith & Wesson, the first baby guns will be a variation of the SIG P226, a powerful double-action handgun in use by the FBI and Britain's Special Air Service units. The new model called the Smith & Wesson Pacifier will be light enough for any baby to hold it. The trigger can be sucked on to fire it, and a bib capable of holding fifteen spare ammo clips will be sold separately.

Charlton Heston, spokesperson for the National Rifle Association, defends Smith & Wesson's decision to create the first weapon for babies. "I know the namby-pamby liberals out there don't like to hear it, but everyone needs to be able to defend themselves. The crib can be a scary place for an unarmed infant. If something starts to go down, I want my grandchildren to be able to defend themselves."

At an NRA rally in Florida, Smith & Wesson held a demonstration of the baby handgun in action using a eleven-month old named Bobbi. During the demonstration, Bobbi accidentally shot three people and had to be stopped from sucking on the muzzle of her gun. The demonstration was cut short when Bobbi had to have her diaper changed.

Dennis Henigan, legal director of the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence, held his own press conference to denounce the baby handguns. "To put weapons into the hands of children is bad enough, but this time the NRA has gone too far. Guns are too dangerous to be handled by babies, and we believe it is also illegal." The Brady Center plans to take Smith & Wesson to court to stop the sale of the guns.

Heston dismissed the Brady Center's comments. "The second amendment of the constitution clearly states that everyone has the right to bear arms, even toddlers. We're prepared to fight for that in court. As for being dangerous, that's just a myth. Guns don't kill babies. Babies kill babies."

At the end of the rally, Charlton Heston held a six-week old boy up over his head as he yelled, "You can pry my baby's gun out of his cold, dead hands!"

According to Smith & Wesson's spokesperson Maria Wildman, the handguns are only the first in a new line of weapons to be used by babies. If the Pacifier handgun is successful, they plan to expand into machine guns and rocket launchers, all capable of being fired by a child no more than a few hours old.

News Media To Replace Police Force in Major Cites

2008-03-10T04:59:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC - The president signed a new bill into law that will shut down the police force of most major cities in the United States, and charge the local news media with taking over law enforcement. By the end of the year, instead of police officers and police detectives, criminals will be pursued by news helicopters and teams of investigative reporters

The law, formerly known as the National Media Law Enforcement Support bill, orders fifteen major metropolises, including Los Angeles, New York, Miami, and Dallas, to disband their police force in fifteen days. The remainder of the cities throughout the nation will follow according to a time table that will leave a majority of the U.S. without local law enforcement by the end of the year. The money formerly allocated to the police force will be given as subsidies to local news agencies to allow them to increase their staff to meet the demand.

The bill's main sponsor, Senator Bill Kopelke of Oklahoma, explained that he was driven by the rising crime rates in his state, coupled with the increased efficiency of TV news. During a break, he explained, "I was watching the police chase one night on KQBD, and they lost track of the car they were chasing. But the station's helicopter was still on him, broadcasting his location and even shining their spotlight on him. I thought to myself, they're doin' a better job of catching this guy than the police. That's when the lightbulb went on."

Police car chases have become extremely controversial in the last few years. Concerns over the dangers of high speed pursuits through populated areas have led many cities to severely restrict or even ban police from chases fleeing suspects. In this area, it's believed that the presence of the news media as law enforcement will benefit the most.

"Before the new policy," said Kopelke, "almost every extended car chase was covered live by local news agencies who followed them with helicopters. Not only do news helicopters far outnumber police helicopters, but they're relentless and all equipped with cameras. By broadcasting chases live on national television, the entire city becomes part of the investigation. We'll set up a toll-free hotline for the public to call in if they spot a speeding vehicle, and can tip us off to what direction it's going if the helicopters lose track of it.

"The same applies to suspects trying to get away on foot. Rather than waste manpower chasing down criminals, the media can just assign helicopters to chase them down from the air. With all those copters hovering over the city, it's hard to imagine how anyone could get away. And then the helicopters can give traffic reports at the same time. Let's see the police do that."

As far as solving crimes, the new law allows the news media to assist with their investigative reporting units. Once a suspect is identified, a sketch will be created by the news media and broadcast on television. Hotlines will be established to allow citizens to call in tips and leads. Instead of detectives, investigative reporters will be assigned to cases.

"Investigative reporters have proved aggressive and enthusiastic," said Kopelke. "They're already equipped with a large staff, huge resources, and dedication to root out the details. When a suspect is found, the reporters will swarm on them with cameras and microphones to try to get them to confess. We expect the stress of having reporters hounding them will drive criminals to turn themselves in."

Senator Richard Bliss, one of the bill's co-sponsors, is enthusiastic about the law. "We believe that this new system will become the model for nations worldwide. The best part is that the news channels will be competing with each other, and everyone knows that competition improves efficiency. With three different news organizations chasing down criminals, we expect the crime rate to go down significantly. The only problem I can see is that ratings will drive which crimes get solved. As they say in the business, if it bleeds, it leads. So it will be the most sensational, violent, or sexual crimes that receive the most attention from the media. Smaller or non-violent crimes will most likely be ignored. Then again, who really cares about those, anyway?"

Denise McGann, president of NBC, was quiet about the law. She only made a brief statement at the press conference that said in part, "We're proud to be a part of helping our community. We also think this will be a huge boost to our ratings."

If the plan is successful, there are already plans being drawn up to expand the program. Said Kopelke, "We're already talking about replacing the FBI with the national news agencies like CNN and MSNBC, and the U.S. Department of Justice is launching a pilot program to be replaced by channels like CourtTV. Who needs a trial to assign guilt or innocence when you already have teams of legal experts on television weighing in on evidence and testimony on an hourly basis? If things keep going this way, the U.S. government might just be whittled down to the IRS."

Beautiful Woman Undergoes Face-Reduction Surgery

2008-02-19T10:22:00.001-08:00

CHICAGO, IL - Deborah Cooper, a 23-year old secretary, underwent a radical new cosmetic procedure known as face-reduction surgery. The procedure turned Cooper's face from one of stunning beauty to only average appearance. Cooper says her decision was due to the physical discomfort of carrying her face, as well as the unwanted attention she received from men and women.

Prior to the surgery, Cooper recalled that she first gained her beautiful face during puberty. "That's when boys started paying attention to me. It was nice at first, but after a while, it took its toll."

Cooper said that she soon found the drawbacks of having her face. "A lot of women tell me they wish they had my face, but it's not easy. Men are always staring at me and hitting on me. I can't go anywhere without drawing attention. At my job, they don't take me seriously. It's all about my face, not what I do. Women are jealous of me, so they hate me on sight, and I don't get along with them. Not to mention how hard it is to find good shirts and blouses. They're all made for women with less attractive faces than mine."

Cooper was drawn to radical surgery after failing to find help on her own, saying, "I've tried wearing my hair long to cover my face and putting on no make-up to keep from drawing attention. I hunch over and keep my head down, which is a terrible strain on my neck and back. It's no use. I'm desperate."

Dr. William McCarter, a cosmetic surgeon at the Steele Cosmetic Research Clinic in Washington D.C., performed the surgery. He is the pioneer of the face-reduction technique, which he says was a response to the popularity of breast-reduction surgery. He explains, "Many women find large breasts both uncomfortable and an unnecessary distraction in their lives. For them, reducing their breast size provides them with relief. However, there are many women with other features like a beautiful face that can be just as unwanted. This surgery will be a boon to them."

During the three-hour surgery, McCarter made subtle alterations to Cooper's face to make her less attractive. He enlarged Cooper's nose, transplanted more hair into her eyebrows to make them larger, misaligned her front teeth, injected collagen under her eyelids to make them baggier, implanted bubbles of silicon into her cheeks and forehead to simulate acne, and tattooed blemishes onto strategic areas.

Two weeks after the surgery, Cooper said she was pleased with the results. "I feel like everyone else. Men aren't staring at me anymore. Women like me now. I can wear whatever clothes I want, because they don't make me look good. My neck doesn't even hurt anymore. I feel like a new woman. A new and very plain-looking woman."

McCarter is also pleased with the operation, saying, "I think this opens the door to a whole new field of cosmetic surgery. There are plenty of women who have undergone surgery to make themselves more attractive, but up until now, the only option for women who wanted to become less attractive was breast-reduction. Now this opens up a whole new field of reducing one's appearance. I'm already working on ways to inject fat into a patient's hips and buttocks, to add age spots, veins, and wrinkles to the arms and legs, and to twist a patient's spine to ruin her posture. My goal is to make all women look as ugly as possible. And we think medical science can make that happen."

Celebrity Weight Loss Secrets Revealed: Plastic Surgery and Eating Disorders

2008-02-19T06:22:00.000-08:00

Star Magazine has published what it considers the ultimate guide to losing weight like a celebrity. According to the magazine's exclusive interview with a personal trainer to the rich and famous, the real secret of celebrity weight loss is extensive plastic surgery and life-threatening eating disorders.

Ernestine Rembert, editor-in-chief of Star Magazine, is excited about the new revelation. "Our readers have always wanted to know how these gorgeous actresses and supermodels can lose pounds so quickly and easily. They see these actresses who have three or four children and are back to their old figure within a month. They see the supermodels on the runway wearing skin-tight clothing and wonder how they can get so thin. Well, the secret is out and it's so simple!"

The secret of celebrity weight loss has been long-sought by fans and tabloids alike, according to Rembert. "We've interviewed thousands of celebrities like Star Jones and Janet Jackson and have been told over and over again how they lost phenomenal amounts of weight in a short amount of time through diet and exercise. We've published a million of these celebrity diets and exercise programs, and our readers follow them faithfully, but can't seem to copy their success. They've always wondered why. Now we know!"

For the article, Star Magazine interviewed Brian Schenker, a body coach and top personal trainer to celebrities such as Calista Flockhart and Kelly Clarkson. He explained the first step in the weight loss regimen; plastic surgery. "The first tool in every celebrity's weight loss program is plastic surgery. We usually recommend starting with liposuction of the hips, thighs, and buttocks, then moving on to the face and arms if needed. Then follow that up with a tummy tuck and a chin lift, and maybe throw in some breast implants for good measure."

For those who can't afford or don't want to risk plastic surgery, Schenker recommends an eating disorder. "Anorexia is a really good eating disorder, but it takes a lot of commitment. You have to really work at developing that self-loathing and distorted body image that makes anorexia truly effective. Bulemia is our most popular eating disorder. All you need to do is stick your finger down your throat after every meal. It's easy and guaranteed to drop those pounds in no time. When you pass out, you know it's working."

Local Morning DJ is Clinically Insane

2008-02-06T06:21:00.000-08:00

SAN DIEGO, CA - Jack "Maniac" Goldberg, a 34-year old DJ hosting a new morning program in San Diego, is clinically insane. His radio station is enthusiastic about Goldberg's cascade of emotional and psychological problems that they feel will enhance his on-air performance.

Goldberg, who hosts the new morning radio show The Maniac Morning Zoo Crew on KQTP, has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He was recently released after a year-long stay in a mental hospital against the wishes of his doctors, who believe Goldberg is still unstable. The station manager Quentin Miller is pleased with the results.

"We find mental illness is an important part of a good morning radio show," said Miller. "All the other stations have their wacky morning shows with names like The Morning Madness or The Crazy Crew, but none of them can touch Goldberg. They want to say their DJs are crazy? Hey, Goldberg really is crazy. And we think that authenticity will strike a chord with listeners."

Miller points to the fact that Goldberg is manic depressive, which gives him "a good swing of emotions." Adds Miller, "In the morning, Goldberg is hyperactive, so he's loud and jumping up and down, which the listeners like at that hour. He spends the rest of the day mired in depression, but usually his show's over by then."

Goldberg also suffers from auditory hallucinations in the form of random voices and sounds. In order to simulate the effect for listeners, they have given Goldberg a bank of sound effects to play throughout the show.

In addition, said Miller, "Goldberg also has multiple personalities that we call 'characters.' One of his characters, an old black woman named Velma Jackson, is a favorite character of the listeners. Plus, it means we don't have to hire anyone else to do the show with him."

An attempt to interview Goldberg for this story resulted in a two-hour meeting during which Goldberg accused us of being extraterrestrials trying to steal his brain for the government, attempted to dig through the carpet to the center of the Earth, cycled through fifty-four different personalities, and finally collapsed into a catatonic state from which he could not be revived.

The station has cut off Goldberg's psychiatric treatment and confiscated his medication in hopes of increasing his psychosis. When asked why, Miller explained, "We're hoping to take him nationwide."

Magazine Releases Top Ten List of Top Ten Lists of 2007

2007-12-31T06:13:00.000-08:00

As the year 2007 winds to a close, TIME magazine has released a Top Ten List of Top Ten Lists of 2007. The list is a collection of the best lists published by other magazines and news outlets for the year.

TIME Magazine's editor-in-chief, Norman Gaines, stated, "Lots of magazines do Top Ten lists at the end of the year and we were considering doing the same thing, but we wanted to take it one step further. I mean, why should we go to all the trouble of compiling a Top Ten list when so many other magazines are doing the same thing? So we decided to point our readers towards the most outstanding lists of the year."

Their list is as follows:

Top Ten Most Influential People of 2007, MSNBC
Top Ten Most Significant Moments of 2007, CNN
Top Ten Celebrity Meltdowns of 2007, US Weekly Magazine
Top Ten Foods of 2007, Cooking Good Magazine
Top Ten Words of 2007, Websters Dictionary
Top Ten TV Shows of 2007, TV Guide
Top Ten Movies of 2007, Entertainment Weekly
Top Ten Animals of 2007, PETA
Top Ten Paper Clips of 2007, OfficeMax
Top Ten Fingers of 2007, Digits Magazine

Parents Give Child Weirdly Spelled Name

2007-12-11T15:59:00.000-08:00

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - A local couple has given their first child a name that is spelled really weird. The couple claims their intention was to make the child unique, but experts agree it will just bring the girl untold misery throughout her life.

Brad and Sue Carpenter, a couple in their early twenties, said they were motivated by a need to make their daughter stand out in life. Both parents have what they consider to be boring and frequently used names, and wanted to do something different for their child.

"We wanted something really cool and unique," said the father. "We were going to give her an unusual name like Moonglow Carpenter or Chocolate Cake Carpenter, but then my wife said, 'Hey, let's give her a regular name but spell it differently.' It took us a while to come up with the right name and the right spelling, but we think we nailed it. We're really excited."

The Carpenters tried and rejected names like Jane spelled J-A-Y-N-E and Veronica spelled V-U-R-U-N-E-E-K-A to settle on Sheila spelled C-H-E-E-L-A-H. Sue Carpenter is enthusiastic about the name, saying, "We think Cheelah has just the right mix of phonetics that will really blow people's minds. All our friends go wild when we tell them about it. And I can guarantee she won't run into another Cheelah in her school."

But Allan Walker, a child psychologist, is one of many experts who disagree with the practice of using oddly-spelled names. "These names have existed for hundreds of years and now people want to start changing them. With celebrities naming their kids things like Jor-El and Apple, there's a lot of pressure these days to be unique. But there's nothing wrong with having a name similar to someone else. It's almost inevitable. These parents just want to change things for the sake of changing them. It's stupid."

Experts agree that Cheelah Carpenter is expected to spend her entire life correcting people who mispronounce or misspell her name and ultimately resent the unnecessary burden her parents imposed on her.

Miss Afghanistan Dethroned Over Burqa-Less Photos

2007-12-04T15:41:00.000-08:00

Miss Afghanistan has been stripped of her title after photos of her taken without a burqa were discovered on the Internet. Laila Kawtara only wore the crown for two weeks before the photos came to light. The title shall be awarded to the second place winner.

The nation was shocked when it was revealed by Afghanistan Today that Laila had previously posed for photographs for an online website called "Pashtuns Gone Wild." The photos, taken in 2004, depict Laila wearing only an ankle-length skirt, knee-high boots, a knee-length jacket over a long-sleeved blouse, black gloves, a hat, a head-scarf, a black veil, and sunglasses. In four of the photos, her eyebrows are fully exposed.

Habibullah Haj, the director of the Miss Afghanistan pageant, expressed outrage at the revelation. "I was shocked to see such a lewd and lascivious display. Miss Afghanistan is supposed to represent the best of this nation, and we certainly don't believe these photos reflect that."

The average Afghan shares Habibullah's views. Nura Spogmay, a 32-year old mother of four in the Allah Asifa Marketplace in Kabul, said, "The children of this country look up to Miss Afghanistan. If they see these photos, they will believe it is okay for women to walk about, flaunting their eyebrows for all to see. When we tell our girls that they must wear a burqa, they will say 'Why should I? Miss Afghanistan went out without a burqa.' And then we will have to kill them. It is very sad."

After the photos came to light, Laila held a news conference to try to hold onto her crown.

"I was young," pleaded Laila Kawtara. "I was drunk. I needed the money. They promised the photos would be artistic. It was only a one-time thing, I swear."

Despite her apology, Laila has been dethroned. The crown will go to Jamila Nasrin, the runner-up. Laila has promised to go into rehabilitation, where she will be treated for mental illness and exhibitionism.

Eddie Murphy Permanently Sealed Into Fat Suit

2007-11-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

Eddie Murphy, famed movie and television comedian, has made the decision to seal himself permanently into a fat suit. The decision is based on his frequent appearances in movies such as The Nutty Professor and Norbit in which he wore a fat bodysuit.

It is widely believed that Eddie Murphy's performance in the movie The Nutty Professor revitalized his career. In that movie, his performance was enhanced by an articial bodysuit with flesh-colored padding and latex bladders. The bodysuit, known in the industry as a "fat suit," is one that Murphy wore again in the sequel The Krumps and again in the movie Norbit. Other actors to wear the fat suit include Martin Lawrence for Big Momma's House and Tim Allen for The Santa Clause.

In an interview, Murphy explained his decision as a natural evolution of his career. "Right now, I am one of the leading fat-suit actors in Hollywood. Except for Tim Allen, nobody else has worn a fat suit more often than me. And when I got the script for Big Bubba Dubba that called for me to wear another fat suit, I figured I might as well just go ahead and stay in it. I think everybody agrees that I'm funniest when I'm in a fat suit. It looks like that's the way my career is goin', so it'll cut down on a lot o' time and hassle later on."

Doctor Nathan Vaks, a leading cosmetic surgeon at the Beverly Hills Institute who will be performing the ground-breaking application, explained the procedure. "The operation will take approximately twelve hours, during which we will be applying the pieces of a high-tech surgical latex filled with a gel simulating fat deposits to Mister Murphy's entire body. The latex will then be sealed together permanently into a single piece. The great thing about the suit is that if Mister Murphy actually does gain weight, the suit will expand with him, enhancing the effect."

Murphy has vowed that all his future movies will be comedies making fun of fat people. His next movie will be Big Bubba Dubba about an overweight Southern black man who moves to New York, followed by Fat People Are Funny, where he will play an overweight black man so repulsive that he is lynched by a rampaging mob. Murphy also announced that he will be creating a new film studio called Fatso Pictures that will exclusively produce comedies mocking the overweight.

Local Cult Fails To Gain Popularity

2007-11-01T08:04:00.000-07:00

DALLAS, TX - Malcolm Zinkler, a former plumber, has started his own cult, but so far it has failed to catch on. Zinkler formed the Blessed Rising of the Holy Fundamentalist Church of Modern-Day Apostles back in 1997, but so far has managed to hold onto only two members - his wife Jean and his daughter Kelly. Ex-cult members blame Zinkler's complete lack of charisma and organizational skills as two main reasons for leaving his flock.

One of the former cult members, Phillip Rangel, was only in the cult for two days before dropping out, saying, "I really wanted to stay with it, but it wasn't working out. It just wasn't what I was looking for in a cult."

Betty Stevenson, another former cult member, agrees. She only attended one of the cult's meetings before withdrawing.

"It became immediately apparent that he wasn't a leader," Stevenson said. "For one thing, Zinkler's a really bad speaker. He was really nervous and shaky and kept dropping his notes. And he has a severe speech impediment that made him hard to understand. And his mumbling didn't help. When I go to a cult meeting, I expect to be mesmerized. This guy made me fall asleep."

Rangel expressed another concern about Zinkler, which is that his beliefs were very poorly-defined. "Zinkler couldn't give me a real good idea of the cult's philosphies. One day he said that God wanted us to all dress in black because colors are the work of the Devil. Then the next day, he said he was wrong, that God wanted us all to wear white because black is the work of the Devil. Then he came back the next week and said that God dropped the dress code, just wear whatever we want. I need consistency in my cults."

Stevenson agreed with his assessment, saying, "Zinkler wanted us to give him all his money. When I asked if that would get us a place in heaven, he said no, it would just help him get a bigger house. He also said he wants us to take up arms against the government and commit suicide if our compound was breached. When we asked why, Zinkler just said he thought it would be a good idea. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not dying for that."

After leaving Zinkel's cult three months ago, Rangel moved on to the Dark Journey cult, where he is said to be pleased with the results. He has already lost all his worldly belongings to its leader Zolkar, been married to a porcupine, and fallen into a drug-induced haze preparing for the Apocalypse.

Even the FBI has lost interest in Zinkler. FBI Agent Hank Rockwell was leading the investigation on Zinkler and said, "When we heard there was a new cult out there preaching the destruction of the U.S. government and its members giving away all their worldly possessions, we were concerned. But when we saw one of Zinkler's meetings, we dropped the case. We knew this guy's cult wasn't getting off the ground."

Richard Loman, a motivational speaker for sales representaves all over the country, believes that Zinkler's cult could be saved, but will require some major changes.

"Zinkler has a good start," said Loman, "but he needs help. I would recommend taking some classes on public speaking and religious philosophy, and hiring a style coach to improve his hygeine and appearance. With the right guidance, Zinkler could be marrying underage girls and barricading his followers against an FBI assault on his compound in no time."

The only members of the cult still remaining are Zinkler's wife and child, and even they are not loyal followers. His wife Jean said, "When Malcolm started the cult, I wanted to be supportive so we joined up, but it's just not working out. I told him, he's got one month. If this cult doesn't pick up by then, he needs to get a real job. I told him, maybe you're just not cut for this. Not everybody can be a cult leader."

Angelina Jolie Adopts Thailand

2007-06-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

Angelina Jolie has announced plans to adopt the entire country of Thailand. Over the years, Jolie has become well-known for adopting children from underprivileged nations like Vietnam and Cambodia. Now she has decided to shorten the process and adopt an entire country.

"Miss Jolie is a very giving person," said one of her publicists, "always trying to find new ways to help the underprivileged people of the world. She has given millions to various charities and adopted many children from Third World countries to give them a better life. This is just a logical extension of her work, a way to unite the two philosophies."

Every citizen of Thailand under the age of eighteen will be given a yearly child support payment that will pay for food, clothing, housing, and medical care. Every citizen of Thailand over the age of eighteen will be given a staff position in Jolie's various business ventures as well as access to a trust fund of one million dollars per person. She has contracted with a marketing company to begin the task of re-naming all citizens of Thailand with new first names and the last name Jolie. She also plans to rename the country of Thailand to Jolieland.

Some are critical of the move, in particular international adoption advocate Blake Jordan. "To adopt individuals from Third World countries or even adopt entire countries does not solve the problems of the world. The issues that cause poverty and famine around the world are deep-rooted in political upheaval, the environment, and lack of education. We can't just throw money at those problems and make them go away. But I admit, it is nice to have one less country to worry about."

Despite protests, the government of Thailand has stated that they have agreed to cooperate with the mass adoption. Jolie has even indicated that this is not the final word on her adoptions. In a recent interview in Vanity Fair, Jolie stated that she has already begun negotiations to adopt the countries of South Africa, Vietnam, India, and France. At the present rate, Miss Jolie will have successfully adopted the entire world within thirty years.

Man Freezes To Death Chewing Mint Gum

2007-04-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

MIAMI, FL - Frederick Adams, a 23-year-old bank teller, froze to death last night after chewing a stick of Mega-Chill Mint brand chewing gum. He was rushed to the hospital but died as a result of severe hypothermia. The gum has been recalled by the manufacturer, but a lawsuit is pending.

According to witnesses, Adams was at a local bar with his best friend, Arthur Walker. According to Walker, the two were at the bar, attempting to pick up women.

"Fred was just about to make his move," said Walker, "when I reminded him that he just ate some garlic chicken. He told me it was no problem and pulled out this mint gum. He put it in his mouth and started chewing, and then suddenly he goes all stiff and falls over."

Spectators agreed with Walker's account, stating that cold steam puffed out of Adams' mouth, his whole body turned blue and covered with a thin coating of ice, and icicles formed on his hair and nose. Witnesses say that Adams whispered, "That's mega-chill cold" before he collapsed onto the dance floor.

Adams' friend Walker immediately called 911 on his cell phone. Paramedics arrived to administer treatment for hypothermia, but Adams could not be revived. Adams was rushed to the Saint Augustine Memorial Hospital, but was pronounced dead at 11:56 PM CST.

During a press conference the next morning, head surgeon Dr. Lawrence Sanagursky stated that Adams could not have been saved. "The damage was just too extensive. By the time Adams reached our emergency room, he was quite literally frozen solid. Perhaps if the paramedics had managed to pull the gum out of his mouth in time, we could have saved his life. This gum was just too minty."

According to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, since the Wrigley Company released Mega-Chill Mint brand chewing gum last month, there have been four hundred and twenty-two complaints of hypothermia as a result of the gum, but this is the first confirmed death. Adams' family has already hired the law firm of Scott and Everett to sue the Wrigley Company for wrongful death. Scott and Everett also plan to launch a class-action lawsuit on behalf of everyone injured from chewing Mega-Chill Mint gum.

Elisa Thorne, spokeswoman for Wrigley, insisted that the company was not at fault for Adams' death. She stated, "Adams was not an ignorant victim here. Our commercials clearly show the consequences of chewing Mega-Chill Mint gum by depicting a young man chewing the gum and being covered with ice. We even added a warning at the end of the commercial that states 'This chewing gum is dangerously cold.'"

But Charles Everett, lawyer who represents the family of Frederick Adams, insisted they didn't do enough, saying, "Our research shows that the vast majority of consumers did not take the commercial literally. They thought it was a metaphor for how pleasingly minty the gum is. Very few expected to actually be frozen by chewing it. As for the warning, most consumers surveyed mistook that statement as the slogan for the gum, not a health warning."

While not accepting liability, Wrigley has announced an immediate recall of Mega-Chill Mint brand chewing gum. The company also stated that they would reduce the amount of mint flavor in their gum in the future.

Man Kills Two and Self, Brought to you by McDonald's

2007-03-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Note: This news outlet has signed an advertising contract with McDonald's. Though the contract requires certain changes to our format, we hope that the reader will find them unobtrusive and enjoyable.

Early this morning, a man described as violent and incoherent burst into a residence and shot two people to death before shooting himself in the head. The murder shocked the small town of Clyde, Ohio, described as a peaceful and friendly place with only one McDonald's restaurant.

Police arrived on the scene to find the body of 34-year old Randy Carter and his son, Bobby Carter on the kitchen floor. Lt. Thomas Hammer, lead detective on the case, said that it is believed that both males were sitting down to breakfast when the murderer broke in and shot them both. Breakfast was found half-eaten on the table, but it was not McDonald's delicious hot cakes and sausage combo meal.

The murderer is believed to be David William Davenport, a 52-year old postal worker. Neighbors described Davenport as a troubled loner who was quiet and kept to himself. One neighbor, Hillary Curtis, mentioned that Davenport was distraught about losing his job at the post office yesterday. Curtis, however, was happy because she had just had a six-piece Chicken McNugget meal for only $2.99 for a limited time.

After reviewing the facts of the case, FBI forensic profiler Walter Stone stated that he believes that Davenport was disgruntled over losing his job and that the murders of the Carters was not a grudge killing, but a murder of opportunity.

"It seems like Davenport was just looking to kill someone," Stone said, "and the Carters were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Davenport was a very sick and disturbed man who needed help, and unfortunately for him and the Carters, didn't get that help in time."

"One thing's for certain," Stone added. "It's a sure bet that Davenport never got himself a tasty McGriddle sandwich for breakfast. That could put a smile on even the worst serial killer's face."

Only one family member survived. The grandmother, Silvia Taylor, was shot in the shoulder by the intruder, but managed to survive. She was rushed to the hospital and is in critical but stable condition. If she survives, it is believed she will be going to McDonald's in the near future.

Cynthia Stein, a neighbor and relative of the Carters, was devastated by the news. She described the family as a loving and caring one. "Randy Carter was a devoted father and a wonderful man. Since his wife died two years ago, Bobby was his whole world. And Bobby was such a joy to be around. He could light up any room. And they were both regular diners at McDonald's. Bobby loved the Happy Meals."

Stein broke down in tears as she sobbed, "McDonald's. I'm lovin' it."

New Animated Movie Doesn't Include Robin Williams

2007-01-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

Furious Entertainment shocked the entertainment industry this week when it announced that the cast of its new computer-animated film Dust Bunnies will not include famous actor and comedian Robin Williams.

Robin Williams is a legendary actor and stand-up comedian best known for his starring role in the television series Mork and Mindy. In recent years, Williams has become more known for his eclectic voice work on numerous animated movies including Disney's Aladdin, Pixar's Robots, and bit parts in A.I.: Artificial Intelligence and Everyone's Hero.

In its press release for the upcoming movie Dust Bunnies, Furious Entertainment stated, "Our new film will feature the talents of stars like Mel Gibson, Katie Holmes, and Anne Hathaway as a group of loveable balls of dust living under a couch in a typical suburban home. However, our cast will not include Robin Williams."

The first reaction from Hollywood was disbelief. During an interview, Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg said, "I don't understand it. An animated movie without Robin Williams? Is that possible? If there's no Robin Williams, then how can you have the crazy, goofy character in the movie?"

Williams' press agent expressed anger at the decision by Furious. "Robin Williams has an iron-clad contract that requires him to be in the cast of every animated feature produced in the United States from now until his death. As we speak, Mister Williams is doing voice work for three DreamWorks pictures, two Pixar productions, a TV series for Disney, and an animated commercial for Mister Clean floor wax. Mister Williams' attorney will be filing a lawsuit for breach of contract with Furious Entertainment."

Despite the controversy, Furious Entertainment is continuing with its plans to produce a Robin Williams-less movie. One insider at Furious who asked not to be named said their decision was based on the fact that some people think Williams is "kind of annoying."

Big Bird Attacks Handler

2006-12-06T13:37:00.000-08:00

SESAME STREET - Authorities say that the character known as Big Bird has violently mauled one of his handlers. The incident occured on Tuesday afternoon during the filming of an episode of the children's PBS television show Sesame Street, where Big Bird has been a loyal and beloved character for decades.

According to a cast member, Big Bird and co-star Bob McGrath were filming a segment about the letter "Q." At one point, McGrath turned to Big Bird and asked him to give a word that starts with "Q." The script called for Big Bird to say "quart." Instead, Big Bird grabbed McGrath by the ankle in his beak and dragged McGrath off-stage. Big Bird eventually released his grip and was caged by security guards, but not before McGrath suffered a broken leg and multiple contusions from pecking.

McGrath was hospitalized and his doctors say he remains in fair condition and good spirits. Big Bird is being kept away from others in a special holding pen while they try to determine if he will be able to perform again.

One of the original characters on the award-winning children's show, Big Bird has been a favorite among children and adults for decades with his child-like spirit and loveable nature. A spokesman for the Children’s Television Workshop said, "As one of our most beloved characters, we are still hoping Big Bird will be returned to Sesame Street, but the possibility that he may be put to sleep is not being ruled out."

This is considered the worst incident in children's entertainment since Barney the Dinosaur mauled three children in 1998.

Car Crash Kills Four, Secret Agent Escapes Unharmed

2006-11-23T08:02:00.000-08:00

A late-model red Jaguar raced through a busy intersection this morning in Washington D.C., resulting in a six-car pileup that killed four people. Though identification of the Jaguar's owner was difficult due to rockets shooting out of the license plate, it is believed to belong to secret agent Hank Rockwell, who escaped the crash without injury.

According to early reports, Rockwell led supervillain Doctor Scorpion's men on a high-speed chase through the city. It was during this chase that Rockwell released an oil slick onto the street at the corner of Elm and Main. The black van pursuing him swerved to miss the oil slick, hit a ramp, and tumbled off a bridge to land on a gasoline truck which exploded into flames. The crash killed both the driver of the black van and the three henchmen in the back.

Arthur Jules, a 23-year old college student, witnessed the chase from his Chevy Suburban. "It was wild. I'm just about to pull into Jack-In-The-Box for an Ultimate Cheeseburger when I hear this loud noise and all these gunshots. I look around, and this car is just smoking right at me. I was so scared it was going to hit me, but then a rocket engine comes out of the Jaguar's truck and the car flew right over me. Then the van chasing it plows right over the bridge. I'm not sure, but I think I heard the driver of the van yelling, 'I'll see you in hell, Rockwell!' And I'm pretty sure I could hear Rockwell say, 'I hope you boys aren't falling for me.' That was kinda funny."

Doctor Scorpion refused to comment on the incident.

Celebrity's Death Honored By Slow-Motion Stock Footage

2006-11-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

According to his family, famed actor Charles Langley died in his sleep this morning. Langley, 62, was best known for his Oscar-winning roles in classic movies such as Heart of Stone and Ronald's Choice. In all, he performed in over four hundred movies, had a starring role in three hit television shows, and won ten Oscars throughout his career. In later years, he contributed millions to hunger relief programs, founded the Langley Cancer Research Institute. As an ambassador, he was known for bringing a new era of peace throughout the Middle East. To pay tribute to his achievements, an NBC news broadcast will be playing stock footage from one of his movies in slow-motion.

"It's the least we can do," said NBC News president Sarah Cole. "Langley was a great man with an enormous body of work. I'm sure his family takes comfort in the fact that we'll pay tribute to Langley by playing ten seconds from that old movie, Bridge To Eternity. If we have time, we may even play that shot of him smiling at the '98 Academy Awards. In slow motion, of course. Otherwise, it would just be stock footage."

Once the clip is played, the news anchor is scheduled to say, "He'll be missed," then move on to a story about roller-skating monkeys at the circus.

Local Woman Lists Non-Existent Skin Colors In Her Discussions Of Racism

2006-11-23T07:59:00.000-08:00

According to witnesses, in describing her own views on racism, 52-year old retiree Margaret Jenkins listed several non-existent skin colors to make her point.

"It don't matter if you're white, black, purple, blue, or green," she said. "I don't think nobody should be treated different, no matter what color you are."

After Miss Jenkins' statement, the Mayo Clinic issued the results of a six-year study that confirmed these colors could not be found in the human race. The study stated in part, "Skin color is the result of increased or decreased amounts of melanin in the human skin. Though a variety of shades can be produced as a result of melanin, no human being's skin could produce the colors Miss Jenkins described for a sustained length of time, and no known racial group possesses this trait."

Scientists worldwide rushed to Jenkins to find out the location of these hitherto-unknown racial groups. In a press conference, Dr. Marvin Reeds, head of the World Health Organization, was visibly enthusiastic.

"Throughout human history," he said, "there has never been any record of humans with green or blue pigmentation. The only conclusion we can see is that Miss Jenkins has discovered a new race of humans on our planet, perhaps living on an isolated island in the Pacific. We could learn new things from their culture, their lives, and medical history. We may even answer the age-old questions of who we as humans are and where we came from. This could be the greatest revelation in the field of anthropology since the discovery of the long-lost Umatei tribe of Zambia."

When the scientists finally tracked down and interviewed Jenkins, she only shrugged and said, "There ain't no blue or green people. I knew that when I said it. That was my point. It don't matter what color you are. Nobody should be treated bad. I stand by that."

Jenkins promised to restrict her analogies to existing racial groups from now on.

Local Man Has No Opinion About O.J. Simpson Trial

2006-11-23T07:58:00.001-08:00

Michael Francis, a 34-year old landscape designer, claims to have no opinion whatsoever on the O.J. Simpson trial. During our interview, Francis said, "I really just have no opinion on it, one way or the other. It's really none of my business."

O.J. Simpson gained notoriety in 1995 when he was accused of killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her lover, Ronald Goldman. His trial galvanized the nation, exposing rifts between whites and blacks, young and poor, and leading to powerful discussions on the price of fame, interracial romance, and the effectiveness of the Los Angeles Police Department. Yet, somehow, it all passed right by Michael Francis.

He said, "I remember seeing in the newspaper that O.J. Simpson got arrested, but I didn't pay too much attention to it. I was a kid when he was playing football, so I didn't know him that well. I mean, he did a few movies, but he wasn't like a major celebrity. Why should I care if he killed his wife?"

The entire trial was broadcast live on CourtTV, but Michael Francis claims he never watched any of it. "I had cable, but I never tuned in. I'm not a big fan of legal stuff, and it just sounded really boring. I never watched CourtTV before the Simpson trial, so I didn't see a reason to start."

Most shocking of all is that when asked whether he thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty, Francis would only say, "I don't know. I wasn't in the courtroom and I didn't see the murder, so I don't have the right to decide. That's why we have courts. Judges and juries decide the guilt or innocence of defendants, not me."

At the end of the interview, Francis merely shrugged as he said, "I don't know O.J. Simpson and I didn't know any of the people who were killed, so I don't see why the trial should be important to me or anyone else other than the immediate families. I like to spend my time on things that have a direct impact on my life."

Experts who administered lie-detector tests during the interview claim Francis is telling the truth, but cast doubt on his claims that he has no opinion on whether Madonna is a good actress.

Nuclear War Destroys Europe, Two Americans Killed

2006-10-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON D.C. - Due to a diplomatic breakdown between members of the European Union, nuclear missiles were launched at 10:34 AM this morning. When the war ended, ninety-four percent of the surface of the European continent was destroyed and much of what remained is in flames. It is estimated that 728,000,000 citizens of Europe were killed in the war as well as two Americans.

The two Americans, Megan and Charles Taylor, were on a tour bus in Berlin when the missiles struck. It is believed they were killed instantly, along with billions of other European and less-important victims. News of their death shocked the United States, and left many of their friends and family in mourning.

As the United Nations held resolutions mourning the billions of Europeans dead, the White House issued a statement mourning the death of the Taylors. In a press conference, White House spokesman Will Carter gave a ray of hope to the nation in this time of tragedy by pointing out that many more Americans could have died. Carter added, "The low death count of Americans shows that good things do happen. For that, the world should rejoice."

As the United Nations rushes to send ships and aircraft to evacuate the populations of surrounding nations like Egypt and India, America has also been swift to provide aid. The Red Cross has set up a special fund to help the families of the two dead Americans, and Congress has begun planning a memorial for the Taylors. Senators have proposed excavating scrap metal from demolished European cities to defray the cost.

Ending the press conference, Carter stressed the importance of not giving in to panic. "My fellow citizens, do not be alarmed. There were no other Americans killed in the blasts, and we expect no further American casualties. Life can go on as normal."

However, some experts have raised concerns that the fallout from the ashes of dead Europeans will blow across the ocean and cause lung cancer in some Americans.

Animal Kingdom Claims Victory In Steve Irwin's Death

2006-09-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the environmentalist and television personality better known as "the Crocodile Hunter", died on Monday from an attack by a stingray off the Great Barrier Reef. Irwin, 44, gained worldwide fame for his television series featuring death-defying encounters with dangerous animals. Fans all over the globe were devastated by his death, but those in the animal kingdom rejoiced.

The organization Animals Against Steve Irwin (AASI) held a press conference to praise the death of Steve Irwin and congratulate the stingray that got him.

The South African lion who served as the spokesman for AASI said, "All animals are rejoicing on this day, especially the dangerous and lethal creatures that Irwin taunted on a daily basis. Cobras, tarantulas, crocodiles and many others had to endure Irwin's annoying grin, loud voice, and constant harassment for many years. We held out hope that, one day, Irwin's antics would get him in trouble and we would finally be rid of him. That day has come at last. Our worst nightmare was that Steve Irwin would die a peaceful death in his sleep. We didn't want another Jacques Coasteau on our hands."

When asked by a reporter from the New York Times why Steve Irwin's death was so important to the animal kingdom, the spokes-lion for AASI said, "It's basically a matter of pride. Irwin made fools of us all on a weekly basis. It was important to send a strong and unambiguous statement, and that statement is 'Don't mess with us.'

Five years ago, AASI set up a standing bounty of one million food pellets for any animal who killed or critically injured Steve Irwin. That bounty was claimed by the two year-old stingray that stabbed Irwin in the heart with its barb.

As it accepted the food pellets in a ceremony, the stingray who killed Steve Irwin was appreciative, yet humble. It said, "It took me completely by surprise. I was just burrowing myself in the mud when there he was swimming over me. I recognized him, of course, and knew this was a once-in-a-lifetime chance, so I took it. I didn't think I would get him, was just trying to sting him and slow him down to give someone else a chance to finish him off, but I managed to get a good, clean hit right in the heart. I admit, it was a lucky shot."

Later that day, a representative from the crocodiles released a statement acknowledging their failure. In part, the statement read, "We could have and should have been the ones to end Steve Irwin's life. The entire crocodile community bears responsibility and expresses our collective disappointment at our failure."

An anonymous crocodile living in the San Diego Zoo who was a member of AASI spoke candidly about the statement. "We dropped the ball. Of all the animals, Irwin came in contact with us the most. Heck, he called himself the Crocodile Hunter. It's not like we didn't try. We all had Steve Irwin's picture, were on red alert, and all had instructions to take him out on sight. I myself used to watch his show to study his moves in case I got the chance and even practiced on a Steve Irwin dummy. But Irwin is not only clever, but really fast. We just couldn't pull the trigger."

In summing up their press conference, the spokes-lion for AASI said, "The moral to Steve Irwin's life is this: if you see a lion or a tarantula or a crocodile, you run. You don't want to end up like Steve Irwin."

Fans Disappointed By Lack of Irony In Steve Irwin's Death

2006-09-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Local Man Is Either Insane Or Using Cell Phone

2006-08-26T12:08:00.002-07:00

GREEN BAY, WI - Residents of a local neighborhood are expressing concern about Brandon Parker, a 42-year old marketing analyst who moved into the area last week. Neighbors are in a heated debate about whether Parker is making extensive use of his cell phone or is really just crazy.

Silvia Osornio, a 23-year old receptionist, lives next-door to Parker and is of the opinion that Parker is sane. "I see him around the neighborhood all the time, and I've never seen him without his cell phone at his ear. But he's not a whacko. He wears a nice suit and carries a briefcase. I think he's just really busy."

Martin Wells, a 54-year old grocer with a shop across the street from Parker, disagrees. "That guy's just weird," he said. "I've seen him walking around in the middle of the night, and he's always yelling. It doesn't seem like a normal conversation to me. One time, I heard him say, 'You can't kill me, I'm immortal!' Another time, he yells, 'Those aren't porcupines, they have legs!' I think he's nuts and holding a phone to his ear doesn't mean anything. It might not even be on."

Dr. Michelle Gaines, a psychiatrist consulted on the incident, explained that Parker could be suffering from schizophrenia. "Auditory hallucinations are very common in this condition. Often, a suffered from schizophrenia will hear voices and be inclined to respond. That certainly could apply in this case. But the cell phone complicates things. Parker could just be obnoxious. With the prevalance of cell phones in today's society, who can tell?"

Many neighbors are split on what to do about Parker. Some favor calling the police or medical professionals to investigate him. Others insist that he should be left alone. Osornio added that "if Parker is crazy, he should be locked up. But if he's not crazy, I'd like to find out who's cell provider, because the way he uses it, he must get a lot of minutes."

Ad Company Creates Parody Of "Got Milk"

2006-08-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

SEATTLE, WA - In a shocking display of originality, the Leo Burnett ad agency will be promoting its clients' brand of legal documents with the slogan "got will?" The ad campaign is a satire of the famous "got milk" campaign by the National Dairy Promotion Board, and is already being praised by insiders as a bold new direction for the industry.

"I can't take all the credit," said advertising executive Barry Chanes in charge of the campaign. "When we won the contract for the Gilbert-Shaw brand of pre-made legal form kits, we knew we had to come up with something fresh and original. It took us months of brainstorming, statistical analysis, and focus-groups. Then one day, I saw one of the 'got milk' commercials, and a light bulb went off. What if, instead of 'got milk,' our ad said 'got will?' It took me a while to explain it to the others because it was such a new concept, but once they got it, we knew we had something big."

The "got will" advertisements will begin running in newspapers and magazines next month, and experts predict the satirical approach will score well with consumers. Chanes is pleased with the campaign, saying, "If it works, there might be other parodies of the 'got milk' ads. Maybe even on bumper stickers."

New DVD To Offer Cast and Crew as Bonus Features

2006-08-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Many recent DVD releases offer bonus features like director's commentary and deleted scenes, and producers are increasingly trying to up the ante. Sony Pictures, with its limited-edition Platinum Edition DVD release of the movie Twisted Thorns, is breaking new ground with what it calls the ultimate DVD feature. The DVD will be the first to offer the actual cast and crew of the movie along with the film.

Gerald Kirsey, the media contact for Sony Pictures, explained how they came up with the innovative concept. "Many people enjoy watching documentaries and hearing commentary on movies. We at Sony decided that what people really want is to feel like they have gotten to know the cast and crew. What better way to do that than to offer some face-time with the actual people who worked on the movie?"

Every copy of the two thousand limited-edition DVDs of Twisted Thorns will include a coupon book with coupons for everyone who worked on the movie, from the stars Sean Connery and Scarlett Johannsen to the key grip, Martin Byquist. Each coupon entitles the holder to one hour with that person.

"All the holder has to do is send us that coupon," said Kersey, "and we'll put them on a schedule to send the crew member to their home or place of business for one hour. They can do whatever they want with the crew member, from watching the movie with them and answering questions to going out to dinner. It's their call."

During an interview for the DVD release, Sean Connery seemed upbeat about the plan. Connery said he has already blocked out the next year of his life to meet with DVD owners. He added, "I think it's a unique opportunity to meet and greet fans of my movies. I'm looking forward to getting people's insights on the movie, traveling the world, going places I've never been to, and experiencing new cultures."

Scarlett Johannsen, however, was less enthusiastic. When asked about the scheme, she said, "I think it's the stupidest s*** I've ever done. I wouldn't have done it, but they offered me triple my usual salary. I don't know what I'm gonna do with these f***ing people. Well, I can guess, but I made them put a disclaimer on my coupon that says there will be absolutely no physical contact between me and the coupon-holder whatsoever. I won't even hold hands with those freaks."

Jennifer Lopez's Butt Announces Solo Career

2006-07-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - The butt of Jennifer Lopez held a press conference this morning to announce it will begin a solo career. This will be the first time the body part of a celebrity began a career independent of its owner. The butt's agent would only give "creative differences" as the reason for the split.

Jennifer Lopez, the latina superstar is best known for her well-endowed posterior. It is, according to her butt's agent Doris Williams, why the body part has decided to break away from the celebrity. "My client feels that it has been getting a lot of attention for Miss Lopez, but is unappreciated. It seems like no journalist can talk about Lopez without mentioning her butt, but the butt itself gets no credit. That kind of publicity doesn't come cheap. I don't think it would be inaccurate to say that the butt feels that Miss Lopez has been riding its coattails for years without getting anything in return."

After the announcement, Lopez's agent refused to comment except for a short press release that said, "The departure of Miss Lopez's butt will not affect her career at all. The two parted on good terms, and Miss Lopez hopes for all the best for her butt."

Jennifer Lopez's butt's agent said that it has already been offered several movie roles, Revlon has chosen it to be a spokesmodel and Columbia Records is offering it a ten million dollar singing contract.

Environmentalists To Endangered Species: Good Riddance

2006-06-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has announced that the rare Arabian Horned Owl is on the verge of extinction due to a loss of natural habitat and hunting. Shortly after the announcement, the Sierra Club held a conference of their own to express their opinion: "Good riddance."

"I mean it," said Stephanie Newhart, spokeswoman of the Sierra Club. "Screw 'em. Who needs those stupid Arabian Horned Owls, anyway? I mean, don't we have enough owls in the world? There's thousands of species out there. What's the big deal about one more? We're all better off without them."

After an exhaustive study, the Sierra Club has concluded that the Arabian Horned Owl is the only animal in the world that has no value to the environment whatsoever. Its extinction, according to the Sierra Club, would actually improve the environment by making room for other animals that are more useful to Mankind like cows and horses.

In addition, the Sierra Club pointed out that the forest where the Arabian Horned Owl makes its nests in Montana is a prime logging area. "By eliminating the Arabian Horned Owl," Newhart continued, "we could harvest those trees. It would boost the local economy by providing jobs and stimulate the lumber industry nationwide. I think the loss of one stupid bird is worth it. After all, which is more important, animals or people?"

Fewer than one hundred Arabian Spotted Owls remain left in the world. Due to their low breeding rate, experts say the owls will become extinct within three years. However, Sierra Club members have vowed to shoot as many of the owls as they can to quicken the process.

Local Man Says World-Famous Millionaire Just A Regular Guy

2006-06-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

According to Michael Dawson, an accountant and big fan of his action movies, world-famous actor and multimillionare Lance Rushing is "just a regular guy." Dawson came to this conclusion after a brief encounter with Rushing on his way out of a hotel.

Dawson met Rushing while he was walking down the street past the Saint Milton Hotel. According to Dawson, Rushing was heading out of the hotel to a limousine waiting at the curb. Rushing did not notice Dawson at first, because Rushing was busy chatting with the gorgeous supermodels he had under each arm. Dawson says he called out, "Hey, aren't you Lance Rushing?" Rushing reportedly replied "Yeah," then climbed into his limousine and drove away. Dawson was left impressed by Rushing's down-to-earth attitude.

"The way he said 'yeah,'" Dawson said, "was so friendly and warm. He could've said 'yes' or 'correct' or 'that's right,' but he didn't. He said 'yeah' the way me and my friends say 'yeah.' And the fact that he took the time to talk to a fan like me, that says a lot. He's not stuck-up like I thought he would be. I'm sure if he hadn't been on his way somewhere, he would've given me an autograph. Lance Rushing's a good guy."

Dawson plans to tell all his friends about the encounter, and watch all Lance Rushing's movies from now on.

Study Shows Most Americans Can't Find A Map

2006-06-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

Many polls have shown that a majority of Americans can't find important countries like Iraq or France on a world map. But a new study shows that most Americans can't find a world map at all. According to the Pew Research Center, sixty-four percent of Americans polled could not locate a map showing all the major countries in the world in their home or office.

Lawrence Jefferson from the Pew Research Center calls it an alarming trend, stating "If this trend continues, a majority of Americans won't be able to find maps of his own city or even his own street. By the next century, the average American won't be able to find his own house."

Stanley Percy of Detroit, Michigan is typical of most Americans. When asked by his nine-year old son for a world map to locate Bolivia, Percy had no idea where to find one. He said, "I thought I had an atlas on the bookshelf, but I don't. I even went to the attic to try to find my old geography textbook, but I couldn't find that either. It's really weird. A world map is one of those things you just assume you have until you need it."

Percy stated that he would be getting a world map soon and will then attempt to locate Bolivia.

Native Americans Vow To Stop Illegal Immigration From U.S.

2006-04-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

This morning, Navajo Nation President Kelsey Runningbear vowed to crack down on illegal immigration flowing into the Navajo reservations from the United States.

"We must stop the flood of white people coming onto our land," Runningbear said to the cheering Navajo crowds. "They take away our jobs, they take away our homes, and threaten to overwhelm our fragile economy and social services. Not to mention the fact that they often bring diseases like tuberculosis and AIDS, and spread gang violence into our nation through drug smuggling operations. This will no longer be tolerated by my administration."

There has been an increase over the past decade in the number of white Americans crossing the borders into Native American reservations. It is believed that many of these Americans come in order to buy duty-free cigarettes and gamble at casinos, but a large number of them remain in the reservations as illegal immigrants.

To combat the tide of whites, the Navajo government will establish a new agency known as the Navajo Border Patrol. This agency will construct a high wall surrounding the Navajo reservation, and armed police officers will patrol the wall with helicopters and trucks. Any whites found crossing the border illegally will be arrested and returned to the United States.

Yesterday, President Runningbear began talks with Apache and Sioux tribes in an effort to persuade other Native American nations to join the cause. His ultimate goal is to form a continuous border along all Native American reservations to seal them off from the United States.

According to polls, ninety-four percent of the Navajo public supports President Runningbear's new policy.

"I agree with our president," said Nathan Proudeagle, a 45-year old truck driver. "I think there are entirely too many white people coming into this country. Let them go back where they came from. Just last week, I went to a 7-Eleven and a white man came in who didn't speak a word of Navajo. If you're going to live in our land, you need to learn the language."

Hip-Hop Song Tells Women To Shake Their Booty

2006-03-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

Hip-hop artist Dirty Dawg shocked the music industry with his new song, Bounce That Booty Up and Down. The song, which gives detailed instructions on how women should move their booty in order to attract and please men, is considered a radical new direction in hip-hop music.

In an interview with Psyche Magazine, Dirty Dawg explained the unique origins of the song. "I wrote Bounce That Booty because I've noticed there are many women who have booties, but don't know what to do with them. So I created this song to help them. It instructs them on how to move their booties to get a guy's attention. It hit me one night when I was at a club and I saw this fine girl shakin' her booty. I said to myself, more women need to do what she does."

Dirty Dawg is no stranger to innovation. He has already led a revolution with his previous hits, Smoke Marijuana, I Have Lots of Money, and Street Gangs Are Cool. Like his earlier hits, this new song breaks new ground in the hip-hop industry.

Club-goer Latisha Jackson is enthusiastic about the song. "I've always wondered how to get a guy's attention in the clubs. Now I know that I need to bounce my booty up and down, bounce it like a train that's goin' uptown. I've been following the instructions in the song, and Dirty Dawg is right. It really works."

New Videogame Uses Profanity As Weapons

2006-02-18T15:48:00.000-08:00

With the popularity of the profanity in Grand Theft Auto, a new game is under development at Dishwater Software called...well, we can't even tell you the title, because the title itself is a phrase that is illegal to say in most of the industrialized nations. So we just have to refer to it as &$#@! We spoke with Leon Travis, the developer of &$#@!, which he calls a first-person insult shooter game.

"It's a completely new genre," said Travis, "but also one that's been around a long time. After all, what's the best part of playing multiplayer games? It's not the shooting, it's insulting the other players. So we cut out the middle man and stripped the shooter down to its essence."

According to Travis, the game is similar to a regular shooter in that it will revolve around the player having to take out his opponents. But instead of weapons, the player throws insults.

"The player will have a vast arsenal of insults to use against his enemies," Travis continued. "We've imported over five million swear words already, including some from every major language in the world. And a few we made up. We also consulted with the world's finest doctors to come up with the most offensive biological references. Trust me. There isn't a human being alive who wouldn't be offended by this game. Our beta testers needed psychological counseling after playing for only three minutes. It's gonna be great."

A variety of environments will be available in &$#@!, most of which are inspired by curses, so we can't tell you what they are. &$#@! will be built on a proprietary 3D-gaming engine, since Travis claims that existing gaming engines aren't powerful enough to render the insults at the speed they require.

The multiplayer mode will be available over a LAN network or the Internet, and will support both deathmatch and teamplay. In teamplay, insults can be said by a single person or in a chorus with other players to increase the volume and deliver more damage. Teamplay modes will include Capture the %#*! and King of the *%^@.

&$#@! will focus on multiplayer, but will also ship with a single-player mode of artificially-intelligent bots who stand around the level waiting to be insulted. Travis says the bots will be programmed with realistic responses, including crying, punching, and slapping the player with a virtual lawsuit for slander. &$#@! will also feature an option to import images of friends, enemies, and family members onto the faces of the bots.

Leon Travis left us with these thoughts. "I think &$#@! is going to revolutionize the gaming industry. At the very least, it'll make me happy. I'm planning to ship a free copy of &$#@! to my ex-wife."

CEO Leaves Retirement to Spend Less Time With Family

2006-02-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

Seattle, WA - Richard Carrington, former CEO of multi-billion dollar corporation GalaxyCom, has announced that he will leave retirement. Carrington retired six months ago, but will return to head GalaxyCom for another five years. In the press release, Carrington stated that he left retirement to spend less time with his family.

In the press release, Carrington said, "In the last six months, I have traveled the world with my wife and children. This experience has taught me what a truly annoying family I have. Anything I can do to get away from them would be welcome."

Warren Riggs, CEO of RK Meyers and close personal friend of Carrington, echoed his sentiments. "I've spent many evenings with Carrington and his family, and I don't blame him one bit. His daughter is a complete airhead, and all his wife talks about is re-decorating the house. And don't even get me started on his mother-in-law. There's only so much a man can take."

Carrington plans to spend eighty hours a week on the job for the next five years, which will give him very little time to see his family. Carrington's wife Martha Carrington released her own statement supporting his decision, and promising to spend less time re-decorating in the future.

US Economic Data Released, No One Understands It

2006-02-07T13:58:00.000-08:00

The US Labor Department released its latest figures charting the state of the nation's economy. The Labor Department frequently releases data including the strength of the job markets, the Gross National Product, and net exports. Much of it is hard to understand for the average citizen, but this time, even the experts are confused. Whereas many economists frequently disagree about whether the numbers indicate strength or weakness in the US economy, this is the first time that economists couldn't understand it at all.

Professor Archibald Gray, professor of economics at Harvard University, is one of those baffled by the results. "I've gone over the report several times, including the indexes and appendix. I have consulted with the leading economists in both this country and throughout the world. And none of us have the slightest idea what it means. I mean, they said the stock structure index has increased fifteen points, and the deflation barometric curve has declined. I've never even heard of those."

The Federal Reserve invited several leading experts on macroeconomics and microeconomics to try to analyze the Labor Department's numbers. Yesterday, the head of the project announced their findings; nothing.

Stephen Owens stood before the reporters at a podium, flanked by hundreds of charts and graphs, and said, "We got jack. We found so many contradictions and confusing data that half of our team had to quit early from severe headaches. I'll admit, we've been through this sort of thing before. Usually, we can look at the numbers and make things up, but this time we're stumped."

The incident has caused sharp criticism and questioning of the entire field of economic forecasting. Many economists have announced their intention to retire and become television weather forecasters instead.

Richard Pryor To Be Cremated By Freebasing

2005-12-17T10:03:00.000-08:00

San Fernando Valley, CA - Only days after the death of actor and comedian Richard Pryor, his family has announced their plans to cremate his body. In memory of one of the historic events in Pryor's life, he will be cremated by freebasing cocaine.

The decision to freebase Pryor's body came from his experience in 1980 when he was set on fire during an attempt to cook cocaine on his kitchen stove. According to Pryor's wife Jennifer Lee Pryor, this method of burial was chosen because of the enormous impact his accident had on his life and his legacy.

The cremation will be carried out on Saturday at nine AM PST. The body of Richard Pryor will be doused in cognac and propped up next to a kitchen stove with a pot of cocaine on the burner. After the body is ignited, it will be allowed to burn to ashes. The crack cocaine produced by the process will then be smoked by those attending the ceremony.

There are already plans for Pryor's ashes to write and star in a movie entitled Jo Jo Dancer, Your Ashes Are Calling.

Starving Gulf Coast Survivors Monitored By Well-Fed Reporters

2005-09-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

NEW ORLEANS - The citizens of the Gulf Coast continue to suffer from the effects of Hurricane Katrina. Many haven't eaten in days and water is in short supply. The federal government struggles to find enough vehicles to shuttle out the victims. There are even reports of people who have died from hunger and thirst. Well-fed and air-conditioned reporters are closely monitoring the situation. "

It's terrible," said Bonnie Wilkins from CNN as she sipped from a bottle of Evian water. "Men, women, children, all dying. You can't help but feel for them. I saw a young woman with a crying baby in her arms, calling out for food. It was so horrifying, I almost dropped my Egg McMuffin."

In the streets of New Orleans, crowds mill aimlessly, drenched in sweat and begging for help. Scattering among them, reporters from news agencies around the world are careful to keep their distance as they film the horrific scene.

Kent Reynolds from Channel 8 Power News reports from a shattered bridge on Oak Street. As he prepared for a report on the devastation, Kent asked his director, "Has my pizza arrived yet?"

Once on the air, Reynolds gave the camera a sober look as he asked, "And where are the rescue helicopters? The government is asking all aircraft to aid the rescue effort, yet there are none in sight. Our Powerade Power-8 chopper is live on this tragic scene."

He then cut to their traffic reporter, who flew over downtown New Orleans with a helicopter to film people waving signs and begging for help, then headed back to the office to edit the footage.

The heat is another factor that the reporters are closely observing. Temperatures rise up into the nineties and without electricity, air-conditioning is non-existent. Heat exhaustion is a looming threat to the hurricane survivors, and aid agencies struggle to distribute ice to provide relief.

Brad Dana from Oklahoma City's Channel 13 News sits in an air-conditioned tent, watching footage of an old couple gasping for air. His eyes fill with tears of pity that are blown away by an electric fan.

He plucks at his dry shirt as he says, "I really wanted to help them, but I had a killer deadline. And I can't stay out there too long. The temperature is ninety-two and the humidity is almost eighty percent. When I do a live report, I have to roll up my sleeves until I get back to the tent."

No one knows how long the suffering will go on, but everyone in the press community is committed to documenting every moment of it. Lucas Rashad from the Associated Press spoke for all of them when he said, "It's important that we remain. As long as these people are hungry, thirsty, hot, and desperate, we'll be here to make sure the world sees it."

Rashad then took a sip of his Starbucks cappuccino, took a bite of a cheese danish, and stepped over a fainting ten-year old girl to head back to his air-conditioned van.