Local Scumbag is Local Hero

Malcolm Morgan, 24, was honored this morning at a ceremony by the mayor for his daring rescue of a group of orphaned children from a deadly fire. Morgan, a drug dealer despised in his community, was honored for his brief bout of selflessness, considered the only thing of worth that he'll commit in his brief and contemptible life.

According to police reports and witnesses, the St.Thomas Home For Orphaned Children was accidentally set on fire by a short in the wiring. Within minutes, the orphanage was engulfed in flames, trapping fifteen boys and girls inside. With fire trucks unable to reach the scene in time, Morgan was seen running into the fire and came out leading the fifteen children to safety. All of the children suffered only minor injuries. Morgan himself suffered second-degree burns on his face and left arm.

Morgan was immediately hailed as a hero and the mayor made plans to present him with the key to the city. Attempts to portray Morgan in the media as a valiant protector became more difficult once the facts of his life were revealed. Police reports show that Morgan has been arrested eight times, three times for drug possession, twice for driving under the influence, twice for domestic abuse, and once for sexual assault. Police claim that Morgan works for Vinnie "the Beast" Caligeri, a Mafia crime boss, distributing methamphetamine on a street corner outside his house. Morgan has been seen by local residents trying to sell meth at a nearby school playground, and at least three children under the age of ten accuse him of trying to give them free samples. Morgan has also been quoted as saying that he despises children, despite the fact that he's the father of fourteen children by ten different mothers, all of whom he owes unpaid child support for.

When asked why he saved the children in the first place, Morgan explained, "Well, I was pretty high that morning, and I ran into the flames 'cause I thought that orphanage was a brothel with red-headed women nine feet high in it. When the heat brought me to, I went stumbling out from the smoke, and some of them rotten kids grabbed hold of my T-shirt. I yelled at 'em that they'd slow me down and tried to kick some o' them back into the flames, but they were kinda small and I was so high that I couldn't get 'em off. So I had no choice but to pull 'em out with me."

Despite Morgan's history, Mayor Antonio Ruelas decided to go ahead with the ceremony. As he held the key in the air, Morgan stumbled onto the stage wearing a dirty wife-beater and pants three sizes two large that fell around his ankles. At that point, it was revealed that he wore no underwear. Several members of the audience stated that he smelled like he hadn't showered in weeks. Morgan seemed confused and inebriated, screaming profanities, and tossing lit cigarettes into the crowd. Morgan took the key, used the key to make an obscene gesture, and then began singing a song of such offensive content that his microphone was turned off seconds after he began.

Morgan was arrested shortly after leaving the stage. He is currently being charged with indecent exposure, drunk and disorderly conduct, making threatening statements to a public official, distribution of illegal substances, assault, and numerous other charges. The mayor's office apologized for the incident, insisting that Morgan's contribution was still significant. Said Mayor Ruelas, "Mister Morgan will always be a hero to those kids he saved. At least, until they get old enough to know better."

Store Manager Suspects Jewish Employees of Making Up Holidays

MOBILE, AL - Gordon Baker, the store manager for MayDay Groceries, is finding himself suspicious of the many holidays that his Jewish employees are taking time off for. In fact, Baker is even beginning to suspect that some of the holidays are fictional.

Baker, who grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood and had little contact with Jews prior to his working at MayDay Groceries, has become concerned since hiring two devout Jewish employees in 2008. His first conflict came when he tried to shift their schedules to work on Sunday. Baker was told by both employees that they could not work on Sunday for religious reasons.

“They said it was somethin’ called the Sabbath,” said Baker. “That God said they couldn’t work on Sundays, ‘cause that’s a sacred day or what-not. Well, I think Sundays a sacred day, too. I go to church every Sunday, but I never have to take the whole day off. Made me suspicious, like they were looking for a way to ditch working weekends. But I let that one pass.”

Conflict came up again when the employees requested time off during Christmas. Baker said, “One of ‘em claimed she had take a few days off for something called ‘Hanukkah.’ Well, I saw right through that. I told her that there was already a holiday around that time; Christmas. She tried to say Hanukkah’s a holiday that only Jews observed, and that Jews don’t celebrate Christmas. I’m not sure I believed that, but I let that one go, too. But now it seems like they’re coming up with all sorts of new holidays. Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur. It never ends with these people.”

Baker plans to go on the Internet or consult with a rabbi to verify the existence of all Jewish holidays from now on.

He added, “We just hired a Muslim, and I think I need to keep an eye on them, too. There’s something called Ramadan that he keeps going on about.”

Local Weatherman Looking Forward to Hurricane

CLEMENTINE, FL - Hurricane Ernest has been upgraded to a Category Two storm as it approaches the coast of Florida, packing 100mph winds. Forecasters fear the hurricane could gain even more strength before fully hitting land, and could cause billions of dollars in damage and possible loss of life. George Zimmerman, a weatherman on the local news television station KFXC in the town of Clementine, says he's looking forward to it.

"I don't usually have a lot to do around here," said Zimmerman. "They give me a few minutes at the beginning of the broadcast and five minutes at the end, but that's about it. Even then, it's the usual 'here's the day's weather, here's the week's forecast,' usual crap. But when there's a hurricane or other natural disaster, then KFXC becomes the Zimmer's house."

Zimmerman has already been scheduled to lead tonight's six o'clock newscast with a report on the hurricane's progress, followed by a follow-up segment where he is interviewed by the anchors on what causes hurricanes. Zimmerman is also planning a trip to the coast for a live broadcast from the beach. If the hurricane hits, Zimmerman is prepared to do hourly updates on the affected areas and even interview victims of the storm.

Despite his enthusiasm, Zimmerman is concerned that the hurricane could lose strength and become a tropical storm with far less impact. He says, "Last thing I want to do is do one of those stupid reports where I just talk about what could have been. Either that or just report on a bunch of trees blown over. That would be a real let-down."

Parents Give Child Weirdly Spelled Name

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - A local couple has given their first child a name that is spelled really weird. The couple claims their intention was to make the child unique, but experts agree it will just bring the girl untold misery throughout her life.

Brad and Sue Carpenter, a couple in their early twenties, said they were motivated by a need to make their daughter stand out in life. Both parents have what they consider to be boring and frequently used names, and wanted to do something different for their child.

"We wanted something really cool and unique," said the father. "We were going to give her an unusual name like Moonglow Carpenter or Chocolate Cake Carpenter, but then my wife said, 'Hey, let's give her a regular name but spell it differently.' It took us a while to come up with the right name and the right spelling, but we think we nailed it. We're really excited."

The Carpenters tried and rejected names like Jane spelled J-A-Y-N-E and Veronica spelled V-U-R-U-N-E-E-K-A to settle on Sheila spelled C-H-E-E-L-A-H. Sue Carpenter is enthusiastic about the name, saying, "We think Cheelah has just the right mix of phonetics that will really blow people's minds. All our friends go wild when we tell them about it. And I can guarantee she won't run into another Cheelah in her school."

But Allan Walker, a child psychologist, is one of many experts who disagree with the practice of using oddly-spelled names. "These names have existed for hundreds of years and now people want to start changing them. With celebrities naming their kids things like Jor-El and Apple, there's a lot of pressure these days to be unique. But there's nothing wrong with having a name similar to someone else. It's almost inevitable. These parents just want to change things for the sake of changing them. It's stupid."

Experts agree that Cheelah Carpenter is expected to spend her entire life correcting people who mispronounce or misspell her name and ultimately resent the unnecessary burden her parents imposed on her.

Local Cult Fails To Gain Popularity

DALLAS, TX - Malcolm Zinkler, a former plumber, has started his own cult, but so far it has failed to catch on. Zinkler formed the Blessed Rising of the Holy Fundamentalist Church of Modern-Day Apostles back in 1997, but so far has managed to hold onto only two members - his wife Jean and his daughter Kelly. Ex-cult members blame Zinkler's complete lack of charisma and organizational skills as two main reasons for leaving his flock.

One of the former cult members, Phillip Rangel, was only in the cult for two days before dropping out, saying, "I really wanted to stay with it, but it wasn't working out. It just wasn't what I was looking for in a cult."

Betty Stevenson, another former cult member, agrees. She only attended one of the cult's meetings before withdrawing.

"It became immediately apparent that he wasn't a leader," Stevenson said. "For one thing, Zinkler's a really bad speaker. He was really nervous and shaky and kept dropping his notes. And he has a severe speech impediment that made him hard to understand. And his mumbling didn't help. When I go to a cult meeting, I expect to be mesmerized. This guy made me fall asleep."

Rangel expressed another concern about Zinkler, which is that his beliefs were very poorly-defined. "Zinkler couldn't give me a real good idea of the cult's philosphies. One day he said that God wanted us to all dress in black because colors are the work of the Devil. Then the next day, he said he was wrong, that God wanted us all to wear white because black is the work of the Devil. Then he came back the next week and said that God dropped the dress code, just wear whatever we want. I need consistency in my cults."

Stevenson agreed with his assessment, saying, "Zinkler wanted us to give him all his money. When I asked if that would get us a place in heaven, he said no, it would just help him get a bigger house. He also said he wants us to take up arms against the government and commit suicide if our compound was breached. When we asked why, Zinkler just said he thought it would be a good idea. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not dying for that."

After leaving Zinkel's cult three months ago, Rangel moved on to the Dark Journey cult, where he is said to be pleased with the results. He has already lost all his worldly belongings to its leader Zolkar, been married to a porcupine, and fallen into a drug-induced haze preparing for the Apocalypse.

Even the FBI has lost interest in Zinkler. FBI Agent Hank Rockwell was leading the investigation on Zinkler and said, "When we heard there was a new cult out there preaching the destruction of the U.S. government and its members giving away all their worldly possessions, we were concerned. But when we saw one of Zinkler's meetings, we dropped the case. We knew this guy's cult wasn't getting off the ground."

Richard Loman, a motivational speaker for sales representaves all over the country, believes that Zinkler's cult could be saved, but will require some major changes.

"Zinkler has a good start," said Loman, "but he needs help. I would recommend taking some classes on public speaking and religious philosophy, and hiring a style coach to improve his hygeine and appearance. With the right guidance, Zinkler could be marrying underage girls and barricading his followers against an FBI assault on his compound in no time."

The only members of the cult still remaining are Zinkler's wife and child, and even they are not loyal followers. His wife Jean said, "When Malcolm started the cult, I wanted to be supportive so we joined up, but it's just not working out. I told him, he's got one month. If this cult doesn't pick up by then, he needs to get a real job. I told him, maybe you're just not cut for this. Not everybody can be a cult leader."

Man Freezes To Death Chewing Mint Gum

MIAMI, FL - Frederick Adams, a 23-year-old bank teller, froze to death last night after chewing a stick of Mega-Chill Mint brand chewing gum. He was rushed to the hospital but died as a result of severe hypothermia. The gum has been recalled by the manufacturer, but a lawsuit is pending.

According to witnesses, Adams was at a local bar with his best friend, Arthur Walker. According to Walker, the two were at the bar, attempting to pick up women.

"Fred was just about to make his move," said Walker, "when I reminded him that he just ate some garlic chicken. He told me it was no problem and pulled out this mint gum. He put it in his mouth and started chewing, and then suddenly he goes all stiff and falls over."

Spectators agreed with Walker's account, stating that cold steam puffed out of Adams' mouth, his whole body turned blue and covered with a thin coating of ice, and icicles formed on his hair and nose. Witnesses say that Adams whispered, "That's mega-chill cold" before he collapsed onto the dance floor.

Adams' friend Walker immediately called 911 on his cell phone. Paramedics arrived to administer treatment for hypothermia, but Adams could not be revived. Adams was rushed to the Saint Augustine Memorial Hospital, but was pronounced dead at 11:56 PM CST.

During a press conference the next morning, head surgeon Dr. Lawrence Sanagursky stated that Adams could not have been saved. "The damage was just too extensive. By the time Adams reached our emergency room, he was quite literally frozen solid. Perhaps if the paramedics had managed to pull the gum out of his mouth in time, we could have saved his life. This gum was just too minty."

According to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, since the Wrigley Company released Mega-Chill Mint brand chewing gum last month, there have been four hundred and twenty-two complaints of hypothermia as a result of the gum, but this is the first confirmed death. Adams' family has already hired the law firm of Scott and Everett to sue the Wrigley Company for wrongful death. Scott and Everett also plan to launch a class-action lawsuit on behalf of everyone injured from chewing Mega-Chill Mint gum.

Elisa Thorne, spokeswoman for Wrigley, insisted that the company was not at fault for Adams' death. She stated, "Adams was not an ignorant victim here. Our commercials clearly show the consequences of chewing Mega-Chill Mint gum by depicting a young man chewing the gum and being covered with ice. We even added a warning at the end of the commercial that states 'This chewing gum is dangerously cold.'"

But Charles Everett, lawyer who represents the family of Frederick Adams, insisted they didn't do enough, saying, "Our research shows that the vast majority of consumers did not take the commercial literally. They thought it was a metaphor for how pleasingly minty the gum is. Very few expected to actually be frozen by chewing it. As for the warning, most consumers surveyed mistook that statement as the slogan for the gum, not a health warning."

While not accepting liability, Wrigley has announced an immediate recall of Mega-Chill Mint brand chewing gum. The company also stated that they would reduce the amount of mint flavor in their gum in the future.

Man Kills Two and Self, Brought to you by McDonald's

Note: This news outlet has signed an advertising contract with McDonald's. Though the contract requires certain changes to our format, we hope that the reader will find them unobtrusive and enjoyable.

Early this morning, a man described as violent and incoherent burst into a residence and shot two people to death before shooting himself in the head. The murder shocked the small town of Clyde, Ohio, described as a peaceful and friendly place with only one McDonald's restaurant.

Police arrived on the scene to find the body of 34-year old Randy Carter and his son, Bobby Carter on the kitchen floor. Lt. Thomas Hammer, lead detective on the case, said that it is believed that both males were sitting down to breakfast when the murderer broke in and shot them both. Breakfast was found half-eaten on the table, but it was not McDonald's delicious hot cakes and sausage combo meal.

The murderer is believed to be David William Davenport, a 52-year old postal worker. Neighbors described Davenport as a troubled loner who was quiet and kept to himself. One neighbor, Hillary Curtis, mentioned that Davenport was distraught about losing his job at the post office yesterday. Curtis, however, was happy because she had just had a six-piece Chicken McNugget meal for only $2.99 for a limited time.

After reviewing the facts of the case, FBI forensic profiler Walter Stone stated that he believes that Davenport was disgruntled over losing his job and that the murders of the Carters was not a grudge killing, but a murder of opportunity.

"It seems like Davenport was just looking to kill someone," Stone said, "and the Carters were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Davenport was a very sick and disturbed man who needed help, and unfortunately for him and the Carters, didn't get that help in time."

"One thing's for certain," Stone added. "It's a sure bet that Davenport never got himself a tasty McGriddle sandwich for breakfast. That could put a smile on even the worst serial killer's face."

Only one family member survived. The grandmother, Silvia Taylor, was shot in the shoulder by the intruder, but managed to survive. She was rushed to the hospital and is in critical but stable condition. If she survives, it is believed she will be going to McDonald's in the near future.

Cynthia Stein, a neighbor and relative of the Carters, was devastated by the news. She described the family as a loving and caring one. "Randy Carter was a devoted father and a wonderful man. Since his wife died two years ago, Bobby was his whole world. And Bobby was such a joy to be around. He could light up any room. And they were both regular diners at McDonald's. Bobby loved the Happy Meals."

Stein broke down in tears as she sobbed, "McDonald's. I'm lovin' it."

Local Woman Lists Non-Existent Skin Colors In Her Discussions Of Racism

According to witnesses, in describing her own views on racism, 52-year old retiree Margaret Jenkins listed several non-existent skin colors to make her point.

"It don't matter if you're white, black, purple, blue, or green," she said. "I don't think nobody should be treated different, no matter what color you are."

After Miss Jenkins' statement, the Mayo Clinic issued the results of a six-year study that confirmed these colors could not be found in the human race. The study stated in part, "Skin color is the result of increased or decreased amounts of melanin in the human skin. Though a variety of shades can be produced as a result of melanin, no human being's skin could produce the colors Miss Jenkins described for a sustained length of time, and no known racial group possesses this trait."

Scientists worldwide rushed to Jenkins to find out the location of these hitherto-unknown racial groups. In a press conference, Dr. Marvin Reeds, head of the World Health Organization, was visibly enthusiastic.

"Throughout human history," he said, "there has never been any record of humans with green or blue pigmentation. The only conclusion we can see is that Miss Jenkins has discovered a new race of humans on our planet, perhaps living on an isolated island in the Pacific. We could learn new things from their culture, their lives, and medical history. We may even answer the age-old questions of who we as humans are and where we came from. This could be the greatest revelation in the field of anthropology since the discovery of the long-lost Umatei tribe of Zambia."

When the scientists finally tracked down and interviewed Jenkins, she only shrugged and said, "There ain't no blue or green people. I knew that when I said it. That was my point. It don't matter what color you are. Nobody should be treated bad. I stand by that."

Jenkins promised to restrict her analogies to existing racial groups from now on.

Local Man Has No Opinion About O.J. Simpson Trial

Michael Francis, a 34-year old landscape designer, claims to have no opinion whatsoever on the O.J. Simpson trial. During our interview, Francis said, "I really just have no opinion on it, one way or the other. It's really none of my business."

O.J. Simpson gained notoriety in 1995 when he was accused of killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her lover, Ronald Goldman. His trial galvanized the nation, exposing rifts between whites and blacks, young and poor, and leading to powerful discussions on the price of fame, interracial romance, and the effectiveness of the Los Angeles Police Department. Yet, somehow, it all passed right by Michael Francis.

He said, "I remember seeing in the newspaper that O.J. Simpson got arrested, but I didn't pay too much attention to it. I was a kid when he was playing football, so I didn't know him that well. I mean, he did a few movies, but he wasn't like a major celebrity. Why should I care if he killed his wife?"

The entire trial was broadcast live on CourtTV, but Michael Francis claims he never watched any of it. "I had cable, but I never tuned in. I'm not a big fan of legal stuff, and it just sounded really boring. I never watched CourtTV before the Simpson trial, so I didn't see a reason to start."

Most shocking of all is that when asked whether he thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty, Francis would only say, "I don't know. I wasn't in the courtroom and I didn't see the murder, so I don't have the right to decide. That's why we have courts. Judges and juries decide the guilt or innocence of defendants, not me."

At the end of the interview, Francis merely shrugged as he said, "I don't know O.J. Simpson and I didn't know any of the people who were killed, so I don't see why the trial should be important to me or anyone else other than the immediate families. I like to spend my time on things that have a direct impact on my life."

Experts who administered lie-detector tests during the interview claim Francis is telling the truth, but cast doubt on his claims that he has no opinion on whether Madonna is a good actress.

Local Man Is Either Insane Or Using Cell Phone

GREEN BAY, WI - Residents of a local neighborhood are expressing concern about Brandon Parker, a 42-year old marketing analyst who moved into the area last week. Neighbors are in a heated debate about whether Parker is making extensive use of his cell phone or is really just crazy.

Silvia Osornio, a 23-year old receptionist, lives next-door to Parker and is of the opinion that Parker is sane. "I see him around the neighborhood all the time, and I've never seen him without his cell phone at his ear. But he's not a whacko. He wears a nice suit and carries a briefcase. I think he's just really busy."

Martin Wells, a 54-year old grocer with a shop across the street from Parker, disagrees. "That guy's just weird," he said. "I've seen him walking around in the middle of the night, and he's always yelling. It doesn't seem like a normal conversation to me. One time, I heard him say, 'You can't kill me, I'm immortal!' Another time, he yells, 'Those aren't porcupines, they have legs!' I think he's nuts and holding a phone to his ear doesn't mean anything. It might not even be on."

Dr. Michelle Gaines, a psychiatrist consulted on the incident, explained that Parker could be suffering from schizophrenia. "Auditory hallucinations are very common in this condition. Often, a sufferer from schizophrenia will hear voices and be inclined to respond. That certainly could apply in this case. But the cell phone complicates things. Parker could just be obnoxious. With the prevalance of cell phones in today's society, who can tell?"

Many neighbors are split on what to do about Parker. Some favor calling the police or medical professionals to investigate him. Others insist that he should be left alone. Osornio added that "if Parker is crazy, he should be locked up. But if he's not crazy, I'd like to find out his cell provider, because the way he uses it, he must get a lot of minutes."

Local Man Says World-Famous Millionaire Just A Regular Guy

According to Michael Dawson, an accountant and big fan of his action movies, world-famous actor and multimillionare Lance Rushing is "just a regular guy." Dawson came to this conclusion after a brief encounter with Rushing on his way out of a hotel.

Dawson met Rushing while he was walking down the street past the Saint Milton Hotel. According to Dawson, Rushing was heading out of the hotel to a limousine waiting at the curb. Rushing did not notice Dawson at first, because Rushing was busy chatting with the gorgeous supermodels he had under each arm. Dawson says he called out, "Hey, aren't you Lance Rushing?" Rushing reportedly replied "Yeah," then climbed into his limousine and drove away. Dawson was left impressed by Rushing's down-to-earth attitude.

"The way he said 'yeah,'" Dawson said, "was so friendly and warm. He could've said 'yes' or 'correct' or 'that's right,' but he didn't. He said 'yeah' the way me and my friends say 'yeah.' And the fact that he took the time to talk to a fan like me, that says a lot. He's not stuck-up like I thought he would be. I'm sure if he hadn't been on his way somewhere, he would've given me an autograph. Lance Rushing's a good guy."

Dawson plans to tell all his friends about the encounter, and watch all Lance Rushing's movies from now on.