Santa Claus Accused Of Fraudulent "Naughty Or Nice" Lists

Santa Claus resigned on Friday evening in the wake of accusations of fraud after it was discovered that he faked entries on the official "Naughty or Nice" list. Santa Claus handed in his notice after questions were raised about the identity of five hundred children Claus placed on the list who did not exist.

The North Pole's World Population Commission discovered the falsified records during a routine audit performed every one hundred years. According to official documents, Santa Claus added the names of children to the list whose birth records could not be verified. When confronted with the audit, Claus admitted to forging names, as well as entering names for naughty children in the "nice" category and vice-versa.

On an episode of Meet the Elves, Santa Claus expert Hans Gunderstein expressed sympathy with the beloved Christmas icon. "With the increase in the world's population over the years, Santa Claus has been under a lot of stress. China alone takes Claus months to go through. My guess is that Claus just decided to start taking shortcuts somewhere along the line, and he went too far."

The Claus scandal has rocked the mascot industry and raised important questions about ethics. The U.S. Congress has already launched an investigation into the records of the Easter Bunny, and the British Parliament is organizing a financial audit of the Tooth Fairy's Swiss Bank accounts.

Shortly after the announcement of the fraud, Santa Claus submitted his resignation to his elves and went into seclusion. Mrs. Claus will be taking over operations until a permanent replacement can be found.

Pigs Fly

The world was thrown into chaos today when pigs all over the Earth sprouted wings and began to fly. Besides the turmoil caused by thousands of pigs unexpectedly sailing through the air, further bedlam followed when events once thought to be impossible suddenly began to occur.

The expression "when pigs fly" is a common idiom in the English language used to humorously express that something will never happen, as in "I'll go out with him when pigs fly." Many people have used the expression for hundreds of years, but it's believed none of them expected it to ever come true.

Yet at approximately six forty-five AM CST, feathered wings suddenly grew on the backs of pigs all over the planet. Within the hour, all the pigs had gained control of their new wings and taken flight. It's believed that hundreds of planes have crashed as a result of colliding with the airborne pigs, and millions of windows on thousands of buildings have been smashed as a result of pigs falling through them. Zoologists are at a loss to explain how the previously land-based animals gained flight, except to suggest that it may be an unexpected side effect of growth hormones or genetic engineering.

Of greater significance is the fact that it seems everything predicted as happening "when pigs fly" actually began to happen. Beautiful women married unattractive men, people gave money to others who were clearly unable or unwilling to pay it back, construction projects that seemed sturdy collapsed, and people successfully gained employment at companies they are completely unqualified for.

Most of the pigs in the U.S. have been captured and will be identified and returned to their original owners. As for the unlikely chaos, the White House held an emergency press conference to warn the American people to remain calm. However, there has been renewed concern from reports by the Vatican that Hell has frozen over.

China Kills Olympic Protestors To Maintain Olympic Ideals of Peace

BEIJING, CHINA - In the wake of continuing protests by the world community over the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, the Chinese military rounded up forty men and women protesting the Games in Guiyang and executed them by firing squad. China replied to criticism of the executions by arguing that they were simply trying to maintain the Olympic ideals of peace.

As the Olympic Games have approached, China has faced a barrage of protests over its human rights abuses, occupation of Tibet, and oppressive rule of its citizens. Protesters have followed the Olympic Torch as it made its journey around the world, in some cases trying to douse the flames. China has insisted that the Games should not be made political, and should instead be seen in a spirit of peace, unity, and harmony. As a result, said China's president Hu Jintao in a speech given on national television, all protests to the Olympic Games will now be met with lethal force.

"I now declare," said Jintao, "China to be under martial law. Soldiers will be patrolling the streets of all cities and towns and have orders to shoot any protesters to the Olympic Games on sight without benefit of trial. In addition, Chinese soldiers will be escorting the Olympic torch along its route and punish all those who attempt to interfere. We also give notice to the world community that China will not tolerate such behavior abroad. Any nation that allows Olympic protests within its borders will be considered a hostile nation, and such protests will be considered an act of war, leading to retaliatory measures up to and including invasion by Chinese military. During the Games, armed soldiers will be stationed throughout the arena. Anyone who speaks against the Olympics or the People's Republic of China will be dragged out of the stands onto the field and executed immediately. Only this way may we maintain the purity and neutrality of the Olympic message that sports can unite all people in the spirit of unity and love."

Angelina Jolie Adopts Thailand

Angelina Jolie has announced plans to adopt the entire country of Thailand. Over the years, Jolie has become well-known for adopting children from underprivileged nations like Vietnam and Cambodia. Now she has decided to shorten the process and adopt an entire country.

"Miss Jolie is a very giving person," said one of her publicists, "always trying to find new ways to help the underprivileged people of the world. She has given millions to various charities and adopted many children from Third World countries to give them a better life. This is just a logical extension of her work, a way to unite the two philosophies."

Every citizen of Thailand under the age of eighteen will be given a yearly child support payment that will pay for food, clothing, housing, and medical care. Every citizen of Thailand over the age of eighteen will be given a staff position in Jolie's various business ventures as well as access to a trust fund of one million dollars per person. She has contracted with a marketing company to begin the task of re-naming all citizens of Thailand with new first names and the last name Jolie. She also plans to rename the country of Thailand to Jolieland.

Some are critical of the move, in particular international adoption advocate Blake Jordan. "To adopt individuals from Third World countries or even adopt entire countries does not solve the problems of the world. The issues that cause poverty and famine around the world are deep-rooted in political upheaval, the environment, and lack of education. We can't just throw money at those problems and make them go away. But I admit, it is nice to have one less country to worry about."

Despite protests, the government of Thailand has stated that they have agreed to cooperate with the mass adoption. Jolie has even indicated that this is not the final word on her adoptions. In a recent interview in Vanity Fair, Jolie stated that she has already begun negotiations to adopt the countries of South Africa, Vietnam, India, and France. At the present rate, Miss Jolie will have successfully adopted the entire world within thirty years.

Nuclear War Destroys Europe, Two Americans Killed

WASHINGTON D.C. - Due to a diplomatic breakdown between members of the European Union, nuclear missiles were launched at 10:34 AM this morning. When the war ended, ninety-four percent of the surface of the European continent was destroyed and much of what remained is in flames. It is estimated that 728,000,000 citizens of Europe were killed in the war as well as two Americans.

The two Americans, Megan and Charles Taylor, were on a tour bus in Berlin when the missiles struck. It is believed they were killed instantly, along with billions of other European and less-important victims. News of their death shocked the United States, and left many of their friends and family in mourning.

As the United Nations held resolutions mourning the billions of Europeans dead, the White House issued a statement mourning the death of the Taylors. In a press conference, White House spokesman Will Carter gave a ray of hope to the nation in this time of tragedy by pointing out that many more Americans could have died. Carter added, "The low death count of Americans shows that good things do happen. For that, the world should rejoice."

As the United Nations rushes to send ships and aircraft to evacuate the populations of surrounding nations like Egypt and India, America has also been swift to provide aid. The Red Cross has set up a special fund to help the families of the two dead Americans, and Congress has begun planning a memorial for the Taylors. Senators have proposed excavating scrap metal from demolished European cities to defray the cost.

Ending the press conference, Carter stressed the importance of not giving in to panic. "My fellow citizens, do not be alarmed. There were no other Americans killed in the blasts, and we expect no further American casualties. Life can go on as normal."

However, some experts have raised concerns that the fallout from the ashes of dead Europeans will blow across the ocean and cause lung cancer in some Americans.