Conspiracy Theorists Promise Paranoid Fantasy About Columbia Shuttle

Originally posted on Feb. 2, 2003 on the now defunct Newshax.com

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - Minutes after the destruction of the space shuttle Columbia was confirmed, the Association of Paranoid Investigators held a conference to announce that they would launch a full investigation to develop a paranoid fantasy around the accident.

Spokesman Jameson Norton said, "The American people demands to find meaning and get to the bottom of this tragedy in the most ridiculous manner possible. As part of our continuing insistence that everything that happens is somehow connected to a non-existent conspiracy, we must do our part."

The committee expects rapid progress. "I already see some promising leads in the avenue of extraterrestrials since it was in space, and possibly the U.S. government. Mind control is always good, but I don't see that here. The Israeli astronaut is a no-brainer to tie in the Jewish conspiracy, but the Indian astronaut is a tough one. Isn't the Abominable Snowman in India?"

The committee headed by well-known lunatics will attempt to connect the destruction of the shuttle Columbia with terrorism, the AIDS virus, the Elders of Zion, Bill Clinton, the Freemasons, a shadow U.S. government, aliens, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and Bigfoot.

"It will be quite a challenge," said Norton, "but we've risen to the occasion before. They said the World Trade Center and the Internet couldn't be part of the conspiracy, but we showed them. The world owes it to us to exaggerate a simple accident into a complex event tied to all of human history. We will not rest until we have created a conspiracy theory regarding the Columbia disaster that is full of nonsensical and irrational conclusions."

Giant Rodent Skeleton Unearthed Inside Richard Gere

Originally posted on 09/18/2003 on the now-defunct Newshax

 

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On Thursday night, Richard Gere was taken to the Queen of Angels Presbyterian Hospital in Hollywood, complaining of abdominal pains. When doctors examined Gere, they found the skeleton of a gigantic prehistoric rodent lodged in the actor's rectum. 

Researchers have identified the skeleton as belonging to a previously unknown species of rodent that dates back eight million years. The rodent, called Phoberomys Pattersoni, is the largest rodent ever known. It measured over seven feet long and weighed over a thousand pounds.

Of even greater interest than the skeleton itself is the question of how it ended up inside Richard Gere. However, the actor refused to comment on the incident as he left the hospital. His press agent has claimed that Gere was walking past an archaeological site in Venezuela when he tripped and fell on the skeleton.

Report: Atkins Died of Mad Cow Disease

Originally posted on 2/14/2004 at the now defunct Newshax.com

NEW YORK - The Wall Street Journal released a report that claimed the famed diet guru Doctor Robert Atkins did not die of a head injury from slipping on ice, as originally claimed. Instead, the coroner's report showed that Atkins died of mad cow disease from consuming too much beef.

Some have criticized Atkins' diet advice that stresses protein-rich meat and cheese over carbohydrates. They especially focused on the sections which encouraged patients to eat whole cow brains and spinal columns. Atkins himself was known to consume fourteen cow brains a day and once said that he liked "the spongy ones" best.

Atkins' widow, Veronica Atkins, was outraged that the report had been made public and insisted it was not true. "The allegations by the press are completely false. The foaming at the mouth and uncontrolled mooing that my husband exhibited before his death is perfectly normal for a man his weight and age."

Supporters of Atkins' advice, mostly members of the meat and cheese industry, insist that the diet is safe. They continue to encourage the consumption of meat, cheese, and cow brains.

Amputee Receives Interchangable Weapon Limbs

DENVER, CO -Through a radical new surgery, a local amputee has been given interchangable weapon limbs. The limbs will allow Joshua Carter, 24, to not only walk comfortably and manipulate objects, but also fire a multitude of high-powered ammunition. It is believed the new prosthetics will challenge views about amputees.

Joshua Carter, 24, lost both arms and one leg in a car accident ten years ago. Since then, he has worn a variety of prosthetic limbs designed to help him walk and recover a limited ability to hold objects. Thanks to a radical new surgery, his stumps have been fitted with a special socket that allows him to add and remove specially designed prosthetics. He still has prosthetics for his arms and legs that allow him to walk and pick up objects, but now also has prosthetics that will fire armor-piercing bullets, surface-to-air missiles, napalm, and rocket-propelled grenades.

Dr. Byron Lee, the lead surgeon who performed the surgery and designed the prosthetics, explained his decision. "It's one thing to provide a handicapped individual with the ability to lead a normal life. That's been done. What I wanted to do was provide a handicapped individual with the ability to lead a normal life, as well as take life away from others. I think this procedure will change the handicapped from someone to be pitied into someone to be feared."

At a press conference, Carter demonstrated his new prosthetics by firing a hundred armor-piercing rounds into a test dummy within three seconds, and shooting an F-35 fighter jet down from the sky.

If the operation proves successful, Dr. Lee plans to carry out more radical surgeries, such as mounting a legless amputee onto a tank, and embedding a quadriplegic into a ten-foot tall combat robot. As for Carter, he says that he has no immediate plans for his new weapons, but is considering a career in crime-fighting.

Scientists Create Flame-Retarded Material

Dow Chemicals announced today the creation of a breakthrough new material that it says is the first "flame-retarded" cloth. The pre-treated cloth, which can be used to create clothing or blankets, makes any fire that comes in contact with it severely mentally handicapped.

Dow Chemicals spokeswoman, Lily Nguyen, explained the need for flame-retarded clothing. "It's difficult to make a material can be truly flame-retardant while also lightweight and comfortable. That's why we focused our efforts on flame-retarded material. The result is a cloth that is comfortable, easy to manufacture, of very low-cost, and provides the best protection for the wearer. It also makes fire extremely stupid."

The new flame-retarded material is treated with a complex blend of high-tech polymers and lead-based paint designed to affect any flame that comes in contact with the cloth. According to Dow Chemicals, the material works by reducing the flame's mental capacity so that it can't figure out how to burn the cloth or the wearer.

A demonstration by Dow showed a man dressed in the material walking through a raging inferno completely unharmed. As he passed through the fire, the flames became visibly retarded - banging into each other, burning in circles, and watching reruns of The Jerry Springer Show.

Although fire safety groups and fire departments have praised the new material, advocates have criticized it. A spokesperson for the People for the Mentally Disabled said, "Besides the sheer offensiveness of creating a cloth that turns fire mentally-deficient, we also object to the name of the material. We prefer the term 'fire with Down's Syndrome' or 'mentally challenged fire.'"

Dow Chemicals has said the fire-retarded material will be available by the end of the year. They stated the material should provide almost one hundred protection, but warned that there may be "fire savants" that can burn the wearer despite mental retardation.

CDC Warns: Pootypox is a Serious Illness

The Center for Disease Control held a press conference to warn the American public of the dangers of an epidemic of pootypox that is sweeping the nation. Despite the potentially lethal nature of the illness, pootypox has become a popular punchline among comedians, a trend that the CDC is attempting to stop.

Pootypox, named after the disease's discoverer Dr. Smak N. Pooty, is a highly contagious disease that causes an irritating rash that inflames and swells the genitals and anus, increased and persistent flatulence, and a Tourette's-like compulsion to scream profanity. The disease is spread through the air or physical contact. In less than one percent of contracted cases, pootypox can be fatal. There have been over four thousand cases nationwide, but no confirmed deaths in the US.

Though the disease was first discovered in 1866, it was considered relatively rare in the United States until last year, when an infected baboon bit a circus clown in the groin. Since the disease struck a nursing home in Mobile, Alabama, pootypox has drawn increased media attention. At the same time, pootypox has become a popular source of comedy among stand-up comedians and late-night talk show hosts.

CDC Director Bartholomew Horn spoke at the press conference, stressing the danger of the illness. "I would like to remind the American people that pootypox is a very serious illness. Though we have had no deaths in this country or any other country in the last fifty years from pootypox, the potential is always there. I would also add that the disease is extremely painful and incapacitating to those who endure it. I would invite those who would mock pootypox to witness a room full of elderly patients screaming curses at the top of their lungs, scratching their inflamed genitals, and passing gas non-stop, and then see how funny you think it is."

A video taken at the Peaceful Elms Nursing Facility showing a room full of elderly patients in the throes of the disease has already been viewed over one million times on YouTube and has been featured on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Beautiful Woman Undergoes Face-Reduction Surgery

CHICAGO, IL - Deborah Cooper, a 23-year old secretary, underwent a radical new cosmetic procedure known as face-reduction surgery. The procedure turned Cooper's face from one of stunning beauty to only average appearance. Cooper says her decision was due to the physical discomfort of carrying her face, as well as the unwanted attention she received from men and women.

Prior to the surgery, Cooper recalled that she first gained her beautiful face during puberty. "That's when boys started paying attention to me. It was nice at first, but after a while, it took its toll."

Cooper said that she soon found the drawbacks of having her face. "A lot of women tell me they wish they had my face, but it's not easy. Men are always staring at me and hitting on me. I can't go anywhere without drawing attention. At my job, they don't take me seriously. It's all about my face, not what I do. Women are jealous of me, so they hate me on sight, and I don't get along with them. Not to mention how hard it is to find good shirts and blouses. They're all made for women with less attractive faces than mine."

Cooper was drawn to radical surgery after failing to find help on her own, saying, "I've tried wearing my hair long to cover my face and putting on no make-up to keep from drawing attention. I hunch over and keep my head down, which is a terrible strain on my neck and back. It's no use. I'm desperate."

Dr. William McCarter, a cosmetic surgeon at the Steele Cosmetic Research Clinic in Washington D.C., performed the surgery. He is the pioneer of the face-reduction technique, which he says was a response to the popularity of breast-reduction surgery. He explains, "Many women find large breasts both uncomfortable and an unnecessary distraction in their lives. For them, reducing their breast size provides them with relief. However, there are many women with other features like a beautiful face that can be just as unwanted. This surgery will be a boon to them."

During the three-hour surgery, McCarter made subtle alterations to Cooper's face to make her less attractive. He enlarged Cooper's nose, transplanted more hair into her eyebrows to make them larger, misaligned her front teeth, injected collagen under her eyelids to make them baggier, implanted bubbles of silicon into her cheeks and forehead to simulate acne, and tattooed blemishes onto strategic areas.

Two weeks after the surgery, Cooper said she was pleased with the results. "I feel like everyone else. Men aren't staring at me anymore. Women like me now. I can wear whatever clothes I want, because they don't make me look good. My neck doesn't even hurt anymore. I feel like a new woman. A new and very plain-looking woman."

McCarter is also pleased with the operation, saying, "I think this opens the door to a whole new field of cosmetic surgery. There are plenty of women who have undergone surgery to make themselves more attractive, but up until now, the only option for women who wanted to become less attractive was breast-reduction. Now this opens up a whole new field of reducing one's appearance. I'm already working on ways to inject fat into a patient's hips and buttocks, to add age spots, veins, and wrinkles to the arms and legs, and to twist a patient's spine to ruin her posture. My goal is to make all women look as ugly as possible. And we think medical science can make that happen."

Environmentalists To Endangered Species: Good Riddance

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has announced that the rare Arabian Horned Owl is on the verge of extinction due to a loss of natural habitat and hunting. Shortly after the announcement, the Sierra Club held a conference of their own to express their opinion: "Good riddance."

"I mean it," said Stephanie Newhart, spokeswoman of the Sierra Club. "Screw 'em. Who needs those stupid Arabian Horned Owls, anyway? I mean, don't we have enough owls in the world? There's thousands of species out there. What's the big deal about one more? We're all better off without them."

After an exhaustive study, the Sierra Club has concluded that the Arabian Horned Owl is the only animal in the world that has no value to the environment whatsoever. Its extinction, according to the Sierra Club, would actually improve the environment by making room for other animals that are more useful to Mankind like cows and horses.

In addition, the Sierra Club pointed out that the forest where the Arabian Horned Owl makes its nests in Montana is a prime logging area. "By eliminating the Arabian Horned Owl," Newhart continued, "we could harvest those trees. It would boost the local economy by providing jobs and stimulate the lumber industry nationwide. I think the loss of one stupid bird is worth it. After all, which is more important, animals or people?"

Fewer than one hundred Arabian Spotted Owls remain left in the world. Due to their low breeding rate, experts say the owls will become extinct within three years. However, Sierra Club members have vowed to shoot as many of the owls as they can to quicken the process.