Record Company Digs Up Tupac Shakur

Originally posted on the now defunct website Newshax.com

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Death Row Records announced plans to dig up the body of murdered rapper Tupac Shakur and use it to produce more music. According to founder and CEO Marion "Suge" Knight, the move is part of their continuing plan to exploit Tupac Shakur from beyond the grave.

Tupac Shakur was a popular rapper in the hip-hop "gangsta" genre when he was killed in a drive-by shooting in 1996. Since his death, Shakur's record label has continued to produce new music and CDs based on his unreleased recordings. The success of these posthumous records has driven a demand that led Death Row Records to retrieve Shakur's corpse.

CEO Knight explained, "It's obvious that Tupac's fans can't get enough of him. We've released several CDs of his work, and even combining his old lyrics with new artists, but we're running out of his original tapes. We've even created a computer-generated hologram to perform on-stage. We need more music, and we think this plan will give us an unlimited supply."

Once Shakur's body is exhumed, Death Row plans to drag it into a recording studio and prop it up in front of a microphone. Their engineers have developed a system of oxygen tanks and bellows that will pump air into Shakur's lungs and manipulate his vocal chords to get him to sing.

Death Row Records added that if their plan works, they will also dig up Shakur's old rival, Notorious B.I.G., to record with him.

Whitney Houston Remembered as Great Musician, Crackhead

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Whitney Houston, award-winning R&B singer, has been found dead in a Hilton hotel room in Beverly Hills. Though the cause of death has yet to be determined, the music industry has come out to honor her memory as a great musician and crackhead.

Houston was a multi-platinum singer whose powerful voice carried her up the charts throughout the eighties and well into the nineties. Known for her hit songs such as "The Greatest Love of All" and her roles in hit movies such as The Bodyguard, Houston's career plummeted in later years. During her marriage with R&B singer Bobby Brown, Houston fell into a pattern of alcoholism and drug abuse that hampered her recent comeback attempts. She admits to using marijuana, cocaine, Xanax, Valium, and later crack mixed with marijuana. On Sunday, Houston's body was found in a bathtub in her hotel room, surrounded by prescription pill bottles. Her drug use has been a persistent theme in Houston's memorials.

Fellow pop diva Mariah Carey issued a statement that read in part, "The world has lost a giant of pop music. What I will always remember most about Whitney is her beauty and outstanding musical skills. And, of course, Whitney being a boozy cokehead."

Oprah Winfrey, the talk show host who interviewed Houston about her drug addiction, said to ABC News, "Whitney died as she lived - surrounded by pills and drunk as a skunk."

At the 2012 Grammy Awards, Jennifer Hudson honored Whitney Houston by performing a rendition of Houston's signature song, "I Will Always Love You." At the end, she downed a whole bottle of vodka, snorted an ounce of cocaine, and tumbled off the stage. Those in attendance praised the performance as true to Houston's legacy.

Suzanne Evans, an audience member, later said, "It was like Whitney was right there with us again, and she was just as high as ever."

Related:
Charlton Heston's Guns Pried From Cold, Dead Hands
Farrah Fawcett's Coffin To Feature Erect Nipples
Report: Atkins Died of Mad Cow Disease

Police Adopt New 'Michael Jackson Policy' For Suspected Child Molesters

Originally posted on 11/21/2003 on the now defunct Newshax.com

SANTA BARBARA, CA - In an effort to keep his promise that he would not treat singer Michael Jackson any differently than anyone else, Santa Barbara sheriff Jim Anderson announced a new policy in dealing with accused child molesters. Santa Barbara police will now allow suspected child molesters to be warned of their arrest ahead of time, and give them an unspecified amount of time to wander the country while they negotiate their surrender.

Santa Barbara sheriff Jim Anderson described the new policy as being "the only reasonable alternative," given the latitude extended to Michael Jackson. After Jackson was accused on Wednesday of multiple counts of child abuse, police faced some criticism for their treatment of the pop star. Anderson insisted that wasn't true and that, in the future, everyone accused of molesting children will be given the same latitude.

Anderson went on to detail the process, which would start by announcing on national television that an arrest warrant has been issued for the suspect. That would be a change from the usual policy where the police try to surprise the suspect to keep him from escaping before they arrive. The police will also wait for the suspect to leave the state so that he is out of their jurisdiction, preventing the police from carrying out the arrest.

Neither would the Santa Barbara police make arrangements with law enforcement outside the state to arrest and extradite the suspected child molester back to California. Instead, in the interests of fairness, suspected child molesters will be given millions of dollars and their own private plane. They will be allowed to board the plane with three prepubescent children, access to their money, and a passport and fly around the country while they decide if they want to surrender. When and if they do surrender, the suspected child molester will be allowed to dictate the time and place of his or her arrest. This would include where they are booked, how they are booked, and whether their photograph will be released to the media. Once the suspected child molester is booked, he will be allowed to go free.

When reporters asked if the new policy would be extended to other crimes, Sheriff Anderson said no. "Bank robbery, kidnapping, murder, these are all serious crimes. We wouldn't want those kinds of people running around loose. But with something like sexual misconduct with children, I think we can cut them some slack."

Rosie O'Donnell Confirmed As Illegitimate Daughter of Keiko the Killer Whale

Originally posted on 12/22/2003 on the now-defunct Newshax.com

MIAMI, FL - The family of Keiko released a statement on Monday acknowledging that Rosie O'Donnell is the killer whale's illegitimate daughter. O'Donnell went public with her claim that the late star of the movie Free Willy was her father in a report published by The Washington Post on Saturday. Keiko's relatives released a statement on Monday that confirmed the claim.

"As Keiko has passed away and cannot speak for himself and couldn't speak English anyway, Keiko's family acknowledges Miss O'Donnell's claim to Keiko's heritage," the statement said. "We hope this acknowledgment will bring closure for Miss O'Donnell and explain her extraordinary size."

The killer whale known as Keiko was famous for his work in the movie Free Willy. He was originally captured and sold to a marine park in 1973. Starting in 1993, Keiko starred in three movies of the Free Willy franchise. He died Friday afternoon from a sudden onset of pneumonia.


At the time she was conceived, Keiko was unmarried and living in the Pacific Ocean when O'Donnell's mother fell overboard during a cruise. Keiko and the woman had a brief love affair until O'Donnell's mother ran out of oxygen and returned to the surface. O'Donnell told the Post that Keiko privately acknowledged her as his daughter and provided her with ten tons of fish every year. O'Donnell said she had not disclosed her paternity because of their mutual "deep respect" and her fears that it would harm Keiko's movie career.

Amy Winehouse's Corpse Celebrates 24 Hours Sober

LONDON, UK - Amy Winehouse, world-famous musician known more for her drug addiction than her music, was found dead in her home on Saturday at the age of 27. Today, the late Amy Winehouse's family and friends celebrated the fact that she has been sober for twenty-four hours straight since her death.

Born in 1983 in North London, Amy Winehouse was a celebrated singer and songwriter whose music was influenced by jazz, rock, funk, pop, and soul genres. She won five Grammy awards for her last album "Back in Black" in 2007. Winehouse was also acclaimed for refusing to fit the mold of female celebrities, sporting a black beehive hair-do, makeup that included heavy mascara, and plentiful tattoos. However, Winehouse's personal troubles quickly overtook her musical career. Rumors of drug binges gave way to photographs and videos of Winehouse intoxicated on alcohol and cocaine. Her performances became erratic with reports of her staggering on stage, unable to remember lyrics, and slurring her words. Winehouse was arrested multiple times for assault, and went through rehab three times, but would always fall back into her old ways. As yet, her cause of death has not been determined.

Despite their grief, Winehouse's relatives and acquaintances are praising the fact that she has been drug-free for twenty-four hours since her death. Ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil spoke to Good Morning America with Amy Winehouse's body propped up next to him, saying, "This is the longest that Amy has been clean and sober since 2004. They always say the first twenty-four hours are the hardest, and she made it through. We all consider this a huge step towards her eventual recovery. If Amy keeps this up for another day, this will be her longest streak of sobriety in almost a decade."

While many have high hopes that Winehouse will be able to maintain her abstinence, there have been unconfirmed sightings of Winehouse's corpse partying at local pubs.

Farrah Fawcett's Coffin To Feature Erect Nipples

LOS ANGELES, CA - On June 25, 2009, the Golden Globe and Emmy-nominated actress Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer. She was 62. To honor her memory, Fawcett’s family has decided to decorate her coffin with a pair of erect nipples.

Fawcett was the star of numerous movies and television shows, most famously the TV series Charlie’s Angels. Yet one of Fawcett’s most enduring legacies is a poster taken of her in 1976. The poster, which sold over twelve million copies, featured Fawcett in a red one-piece swimsuit with visibly erect nipples.

Fawcett’s longtime companion and fiancé Ryan O’Neal said, “Besides her feathered blond hair, Fawcett was most known for her nipples. As her most popular physical feature, we feel the best way to honor her legacy will be to put those nipples front and center. They’ll be the last thing the world will see of her, just as they were the nipples that introduced her to the world.”

Famed sculptor Dmitri Patrick will create two hand-carved wooden nipples to be attached to the chest area of Fawcett’s coffin. In an interview, Patrick said, “Before her death, I took as many photographs of her breasts as I could. To make sure the nipples are true to life. Not for my personal use or anything like that, of course. The nipple sculptures will be built to scale, ten times the original size. I think her fans will be pleased. Very pleased.”

Plans have been made to make posters of Farrah Fawcett’s coffin and sell them online to defray the cost of her funeral. Amazon.com has announced that pre-orders for the coffin posters have already exceeded three million.

Britney Spears Makes Big Comeback for 3,811 Time

After going through the catastrophic events of the past year, fans and news media are calling pop singer Britney Spears' upcoming appearance on the hit sitcom Friendly Fire her big comeback. This is the 3,811th self-proclaimed "big comeback."

Britney Spears reached untold heights of popularity during the nineties with such hit pop songs as "Oops, I Did It Again" and "I'm a Slave 4 U." In the last decade, Britney Spears went through a series of tumultuous events that caused her popularity to decline. Her freefall began with the short-lived one-day marriage to Jason Allen Alexander in 2004, and came to a peak when she shaved her head in a hair salon in 2007. Since then, many media pundits and Spears fans have been quick to call her every positive move her "big comeback" (included her disastrous performance for the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards) only to find her career overshadowed by troubles in her personal life.

Her latest comeback will be a guest appearance on the hit NBC sitcom Friendly Fire later this month. Spears is scheduled to play herself in an episode where the cast gets locked into a music store during a tornado. Though she is only slated to appear for a total of ten seconds, Spears' cameo has already generated a great deal of publicity.

Mary Lee Alvarado, the founder of Spears' biggest fan website "Britney Spears is Awesome," is enthusiastic about the cameo. "Britney has been through a lot over the last few years, but people really love her. It's been hard to watch her suffer, but she's a talented girl. She's just going through a rough patch right now, but when she gets herself together, Britney will be right back on top. We think this could be the start of her journey back into our hearts."

But one person who disagrees is psychiatrist and media expert, Lawrence Percivall. He stated, "I seriously doubt a brief appearance on a popular TV show is going to repair the damage that she's already done to her image and continues to do. Britney Spears needs drug treatment and psychiatric counseling. Some people spend their whole lives struggling with the problems Spears has. She's not going to become a whole person overnight. She may never become grounded enough to hold down a successful music career again. Her public needs to face the fact that the Britney Spears they knew and loved may never return. She may never have existed at all. Look, Britney Spears is not the sweet, loveable, virginal girl that her PR department claimed her to be. Britney Spears is a foul-mouthed, divorced mother in her late twenties who suffers from a severe mental illness and an addiction to illegal substances. It's not just a matter of Spears releasing a new hit song or getting a new film role. Her fans have to accept reality. It's over, people. Let it go."

This morning, the Associated Press reported that on the way towards filming her appearance on Friendly Fire, Spears was photographed topless with a Satanic symbol tattooed on each breast and a crack pipe in her mouth, dangling her oldest son out of a car window while driving the wrong way down a freeway. Her publicist has declined to comment on the incident.

Music Companies File Lawsuit To Prevent Illegal Whistling

LOS ANGELES, CA - In a lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in Northern California, the Recording Industry Association of America announced plans to sue everyone in the United States for illegal whistling of copyrighted songs. According to the suit, individuals are guilty of copyright infringement by knowingly reproducing music with their mouths without compensation.

Following its success against peer-to-peer software like Napster, the music industry has expanded its attacks from the investors in the software to individuals who download copyrighted music. The whistling lawsuit against everyone else is considered a logical step by the industry.

Cary Sherman, senior vice president and general counsel of the RIAA spoke outside the courthouse to explain his actions. "We launched this suit because millions of people whistle every day in this country with no regard for copyright laws. The industry loses billions of dollars when people whistle songs instead of buying records. To reproduce another artists' work without payment is not just harmless fun. It's piracy."

The lawsuit, which is supported by artists like Metallica and Dr. Dre, demands payment from everyone in the United States who has ever whistled a song. "However," Sherman added, "the music industry is sensitive to the desires of its consumers and is working on legal solutions. That's why we're setting up a service that will allow consumers to purchase the right to whistle for only thirty dollars per song."

At the same time, the RIAA launched a suit against Earle Hagen and Herbert Spencer, the authors of the theme song for "The Andy Griffith Show" for promoting unauthorized whistling, and Hershey Foods for producing sour candy that promotes the pursing of lips.

Arafat Calls For Cease-Fire Between Movie Critics and Gigli

Originally published on August 1, 2003 at the now-defunct Newshax.com

Yassir Arafat has called for a cease-fire between movie critics and the movie Gigli." The hostilities began when "Gigli" was released in theaters on August 1. Movie critics almost universally panned the film, which responded by expanding its release to 2,215 screens nationwide. Critics in turn launched a retaliatory assault by declaring it the worst movie of 2003.
Arafat called for movie critics and "Gigli" to sit down and negotiate a peace treaty. His plan calls for "Gigli" to withdraw to its original release of 73 screens, and movie critics will refrain from mentioning "Gigli" in future reviews. Arafat also called continued references to the film by stand-up comedians "unhelpful."

Hip-Hop Artist and Pop Singer Trade Childhood

LOS ANGELES, CA - In a landmark deal, hip-hop artist AK-47 and pop singer Ricky Knight have signed a deal to trade their childhoods to each other. AK-47, whose real name is Bartholomew Jones, grew up in an upper-class suburban neighborhood in Beverly Hills, California. Ricky Knight grew up in a lower-class ghetto in Detroit. AK-47 was a grade-A honor student and valedictorian. Knight joined a notorious street gang and was imprisoned for six years on drug charges. It is expected that the deal to exchange their childhood will greatly improve their images.

During the press conference announcing the deal, Knight's press agent explained, "Being a convicted drug dealer and gang member would seriously hurt Ricky's career in pop music. But it's perfect for a hip-hop star. Likewise, Mister Jones' clean-cut life would make him the butt of jokes in urban entertainment, but it's just the kind of history a teen heartthrob needs. We think it's a perfect fit."

The deal calls for the two singers to swap information for their official biographies. Ricky Knight will undergo cosmetic surgery to remove the scars from numerous bullet wounds, and Jones will have surgery to add the scars to himself. The deal also allows for the purchase of their childhood homes and provides five thousand dollars to each of the singers' former friends, families, and teachers to attribute their memories to each other.

Charlton Heston's Guns Pried From Cold, Dead Hands

Charlton Heston, Oscar-winning actor of such films as Ben-Hur, and former president of the National Rifle Association, has died at the age of 84. At his funeral, gun control activists pried his guns from his cold, dead hands.

Heston was best-known for his starring roles in movies such as The Ten Commandments and Planet of the Apes, and his Academy Award-winning role in Ben-Hur. In later years, Heston became better known as a spokesman and eventually the president of the National Rifle Association. At NRA conventions, Heston would hold up a rifle and deliver his catch phrase, "From my cold, dead hands," an abbreviated version of the NRA's slogan "I'll give you my gun when you take it from my cold, dead hands."

Shortly after his death on Saturday, several gun control organizations submitted formal requests to take his statement literally. One request read, in part, "Heston frequently stated that his guns would be available when his hands were cold and dead. We believe his current state qualifies."

Sandra Froman, the current president of the National Rifle Association, was dismayed, but honored the requests. She stated, "We don't like it, but there's nothing we can do about it. It was a legitimate and standing offer that Mister Heston presented at almost every appearance. We all thought it was just a joke. Never thought anyone would take it seriously."

At Heston's funeral, all of his guns were placed in his hands inside his casket. Just before the casket was lowered into the grave, gun control activists climbed into the casket and wrenched the guns from Heston's hands. One of them, William Froden of Americans For Gun Control, said afterwards, "It was kind of hard because rigor mortis had already set in. I think I might have broken one of Heston's thumbs, but I got his antique flintlock rifle. We're planning to melt the guns down and turn them into trigger locks. We'll sell the locks and use the proceeds to promote gun control legislation."

UPDATE: The Onion published an article on April 7, 2008 with a similar title and theme. This version was written before the author was aware of the Onion's and bows to the Masters. But still thinks it's funny.

Ugly and Poor Criticize Fashion of Rich and Beautiful

HOLLYWOOD, CA - E! Entertainment Television aired its fifth annual Worst Dressed at the Best special, a show dedicated to celebrities who, in the opinion of a panel of unattractive and low-paid non-celebrities, were the most poorly dressed celebrities of the year.

The panel consisted of stand-up comedian Carole Blake, fashion columnist for Us Weekly Geoff Almstead, and entertainment blogger William "Romeo" Paz. The three reviewed footage taken on the red carpet of the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Grammy Awards, and the Emmy Awards.

"The Bride of Frankenstein called," said Carole Blake of Halle Berry, voted one of the World's Most Beautiful People eleven times by People Magazine. "She wants her makeup back." Blake herself wore purple eye shadow and uneven lipstick that she applied herself, and a tight-fitting purple blouse that swelled around her love handles.

Almstead selected Brad Pitt at the Academy Awards for Pitt's ponytail hairstyle. "That ponytail just does not flatter him at all," said Almstead, who combs his thinning hair over his bald spot.

While viewing footage of the Golden Globes, Romeo singled out Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, saying, "The dress is okay, but that huge green bow on her shoulder is a disaster." Romeo then proceeded to make suggestions on ways to improve the award-winning design of the world-famous Louis Vuitton dress, valued at over three hundred thousand dollars.

In the end, the three panelists voted Jessica Simpson as the worst dressed celebrity of all for her polka-dot dress and curly hairstyle worn at the Grammy Awards. The panelists traded quips about Simpson, who won an award for Album of the Year, and whose last album grossed over five hundred million dollars. None of the three panelists earned over thirty thousand dollars last year.

Celebrity Weight Loss Secrets Revealed: Plastic Surgery and Eating Disorders

Star Magazine has published what it considers the ultimate guide to losing weight like a celebrity. According to the magazine's exclusive interview with a personal trainer to the rich and famous, the real secret of celebrity weight loss is extensive plastic surgery and life-threatening eating disorders.

Ernestine Rembert, editor-in-chief of Star Magazine, is excited about the new revelation. "Our readers have always wanted to know how these gorgeous actresses and supermodels can lose pounds so quickly and easily. They see these actresses who have three or four children and are back to their old figure within a month. They see the supermodels on the runway wearing skin-tight clothing and wonder how they can get so thin. Well, the secret is out and it's so simple!"

The secret of celebrity weight loss has been long-sought by fans and tabloids alike, according to Rembert. "We've interviewed thousands of celebrities like Star Jones and Janet Jackson and have been told over and over again how they lost phenomenal amounts of weight in a short amount of time through diet and exercise. We've published a million of these celebrity diets and exercise programs, and our readers follow them faithfully, but can't seem to copy their success. They've always wondered why. Now we know!"

For the article, Star Magazine interviewed Brian Schenker, a body coach and top personal trainer to celebrities such as Calista Flockhart and Kelly Clarkson. He explained the first step in the weight loss regimen; plastic surgery. "The first tool in every celebrity's weight loss program is plastic surgery. We usually recommend starting with liposuction of the hips, thighs, and buttocks, then moving on to the face and arms if needed. Then follow that up with a tummy tuck and a chin lift, and maybe throw in some breast implants for good measure."

For those who can't afford or don't want to risk plastic surgery, Schenker recommends an eating disorder. "Anorexia is a really good eating disorder, but it takes a lot of commitment. You have to really work at developing that self-loathing and distorted body image that makes anorexia truly effective. Bulemia is our most popular eating disorder. All you need to do is stick your finger down your throat after every meal. It's easy and guaranteed to drop those pounds in no time. When you pass out, you know it's working."

Local Morning DJ is Clinically Insane

SAN DIEGO, CA - Jack "Maniac" Goldberg, a 34-year old DJ hosting a new morning program in San Diego, is clinically insane. His radio station is enthusiastic about Goldberg's cascade of emotional and psychological problems that they feel will enhance his on-air performance.

Goldberg, who hosts the new morning radio show The Maniac Morning Zoo Crew on KQTP, has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He was recently released after a year-long stay in a mental hospital against the wishes of his doctors, who believe Goldberg is still unstable. The station manager Quentin Miller is pleased with the results.

"We find mental illness is an important part of a good morning radio show," said Miller. "All the other stations have their wacky morning shows with names like The Morning Madness or The Crazy Crew, but none of them can touch Goldberg. They want to say their DJs are crazy? Hey, Goldberg really is crazy. And we think that authenticity will strike a chord with listeners."

Miller points to the fact that Goldberg is manic depressive, which gives him "a good swing of emotions." Adds Miller, "In the morning, Goldberg is hyperactive, so he's loud and jumping up and down, which the listeners like at that hour. He spends the rest of the day mired in depression, but usually his show's over by then."

Goldberg also suffers from auditory hallucinations in the form of random voices and sounds. In order to simulate the effect for listeners, they have given Goldberg a bank of sound effects to play throughout the show.

In addition, said Miller, "Goldberg also has multiple personalities that we call 'characters.' One of his characters, an old black woman named Velma Jackson, is a favorite character of the listeners. Plus, it means we don't have to hire anyone else to do the show with him."

An attempt to interview Goldberg for this story resulted in a two-hour meeting during which Goldberg accused us of being extraterrestrials trying to steal his brain for the government, attempted to dig through the carpet to the center of the Earth, cycled through fifty-four different personalities, and finally collapsed into a catatonic state from which he could not be revived.

The station has cut off Goldberg's psychiatric treatment and confiscated his medication in hopes of increasing his psychosis. When asked why, Miller explained, "We're hoping to take him nationwide."

Magazine Releases Top Ten List of Top Ten Lists of 2007

As the year 2007 winds to a close, TIME magazine has released a Top Ten List of Top Ten Lists of 2007. The list is a collection of the best lists published by other magazines and news outlets for the year.

TIME Magazine's editor-in-chief, Norman Gaines, stated, "Lots of magazines do Top Ten lists at the end of the year and we were considering doing the same thing, but we wanted to take it one step further. I mean, why should we go to all the trouble of compiling a Top Ten list when so many other magazines are doing the same thing? So we decided to point our readers towards the most outstanding lists of the year."

Their list is as follows:

• Top Ten Most Influential People of 2007, MSNBC
• Top Ten Most Significant Moments of 2007, CNN
• Top Ten Celebrity Meltdowns of 2007, US Weekly Magazine
• Top Ten Foods of 2007, Cooking Good Magazine
• Top Ten Words of 2007, Websters Dictionary
• Top Ten TV Shows of 2007, TV Guide
• Top Ten Movies of 2007, Entertainment Weekly
• Top Ten Animals of 2007, PETA
• Top Ten Paper Clips of 2007, OfficeMax
• Top Ten Fingers of 2007, Digits Magazine

Miss Afghanistan Dethroned Over Burqa-Less Photos

Miss Afghanistan has been stripped of her title after photos of her taken without a burqa were discovered on the Internet. Laila Kawtara only wore the crown for two weeks before the photos came to light. The title shall be awarded to the second place winner.

The nation was shocked when it was revealed by Afghanistan Today that Laila had previously posed for photographs for an online website called "Pashtuns Gone Wild." The photos, taken in 2004, depict Laila wearing only an ankle-length skirt, knee-high boots, a knee-length jacket over a long-sleeved blouse, black gloves, a hat, a head-scarf, a black veil, and sunglasses. In four of the photos, her eyebrows are fully exposed.

Habibullah Haj, the director of the Miss Afghanistan pageant, expressed outrage at the revelation. "I was shocked to see such a lewd and lascivious display. Miss Afghanistan is supposed to represent the best of this nation, and we certainly don't believe these photos reflect that."

The average Afghan shares Habibullah's views. Nura Spogmay, a 32-year old mother of four in the Allah Asifa Marketplace in Kabul, said, "The children of this country look up to Miss Afghanistan. If they see these photos, they will believe it is okay for women to walk about, flaunting their eyebrows for all to see. When we tell our girls that they must wear a burqa, they will say 'Why should I? Miss Afghanistan went out without a burqa.' And then we will have to kill them. It is very sad."

After the photos came to light, Laila held a news conference to try to hold onto her crown.

"I was young," pleaded Laila Kawtara. "I was drunk. I needed the money. They promised the photos would be artistic. It was only a one-time thing, I swear."

Despite her apology, Laila has been dethroned. The crown will go to Jamila Nasrin, the runner-up. Laila has promised to go into rehabilitation, where she will be treated for mental illness and exhibitionism.

Eddie Murphy Permanently Sealed Into Fat Suit

Eddie Murphy, famed movie and television comedian, has made the decision to seal himself permanently into a fat suit. The decision is based on his frequent appearances in movies such as The Nutty Professor and Norbit in which he wore a fat bodysuit.

It is widely believed that Eddie Murphy's performance in the movie The Nutty Professor revitalized his career. In that movie, his performance was enhanced by an articial bodysuit with flesh-colored padding and latex bladders. The bodysuit, known in the industry as a "fat suit," is one that Murphy wore again in the sequel The Krumps and again in the movie Norbit. Other actors to wear the fat suit include Martin Lawrence for Big Momma's House and Tim Allen for The Santa Clause.

In an interview, Murphy explained his decision as a natural evolution of his career. "Right now, I am one of the leading fat-suit actors in Hollywood. Except for Tim Allen, nobody else has worn a fat suit more often than me. And when I got the script for Big Bubba Dubba that called for me to wear another fat suit, I figured I might as well just go ahead and stay in it. I think everybody agrees that I'm funniest when I'm in a fat suit. It looks like that's the way my career is goin', so it'll cut down on a lot o' time and hassle later on."

Doctor Nathan Vaks, a leading cosmetic surgeon at the Beverly Hills Institute who will be performing the ground-breaking application, explained the procedure. "The operation will take approximately twelve hours, during which we will be applying the pieces of a high-tech surgical latex filled with a gel simulating fat deposits to Mister Murphy's entire body. The latex will then be sealed together permanently into a single piece. The great thing about the suit is that if Mister Murphy actually does gain weight, the suit will expand with him, enhancing the effect."

Murphy has vowed that all his future movies will be comedies making fun of fat people. His next movie will be Big Bubba Dubba about an overweight Southern black man who moves to New York, followed by Fat People Are Funny, where he will play an overweight black man so repulsive that he is lynched by a rampaging mob. Murphy also announced that he will be creating a new film studio called Fatso Pictures that will exclusively produce comedies mocking the overweight.

New Animated Movie Doesn't Include Robin Williams

Furious Entertainment shocked the entertainment industry this week when it announced that the cast of its new computer-animated film Dust Bunnies will not include famous actor and comedian Robin Williams.

Robin Williams is a legendary actor and stand-up comedian best known for his starring role in the television series Mork and Mindy. In recent years, Williams has become more known for his eclectic voice work on numerous animated movies including Disney's Aladdin, Pixar's Robots, and bit parts in A.I.: Artificial Intelligence and Everyone's Hero.

In its press release for the upcoming movie Dust Bunnies, Furious Entertainment stated, "Our new film will feature the talents of stars like Mel Gibson, Katie Holmes, and Anne Hathaway as a group of loveable balls of dust living under a couch in a typical suburban home. However, our cast will not include Robin Williams."

The first reaction from Hollywood was disbelief. During an interview, Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg said, "I don't understand it. An animated movie without Robin Williams? Is that possible? If there's no Robin Williams, then how can you have the crazy, goofy character in the movie?"

Williams' press agent expressed anger at the decision by Furious. "Robin Williams has an iron-clad contract that requires him to be in the cast of every animated feature produced in the United States from now until his death. As we speak, Mister Williams is doing voice work for three DreamWorks pictures, two Pixar productions, a TV series for Disney, and an animated commercial for Mister Clean floor wax. Mister Williams' attorney will be filing a lawsuit for breach of contract with Furious Entertainment."

Despite the controversy, Furious Entertainment is continuing with its plans to produce a Robin Williams-less movie. One insider at Furious who asked not to be named said their decision was based on the fact that some people think Williams is "kind of annoying."

Big Bird Attacks Handler

SESAME STREET - Authorities say that the character known as Big Bird has violently mauled one of his handlers. The incident occured on Tuesday afternoon during the filming of an episode of the children's PBS television show Sesame Street, where Big Bird has been a loyal and beloved character for decades.

According to a cast member, Big Bird and co-star Bob McGrath were filming a segment about the letter "Q." At one point, McGrath turned to Big Bird and asked him to give a word that starts with "Q." The script called for Big Bird to say "quart." Instead, Big Bird grabbed McGrath by the ankle in his beak and dragged McGrath off-stage. Big Bird eventually released his grip and was caged by security guards, but not before McGrath suffered a broken leg and multiple contusions from pecking.

McGrath was hospitalized and his doctors say he remains in fair condition and good spirits. Big Bird is being kept away from others in a special holding pen while they try to determine if he will be able to perform again.

One of the original characters on the award-winning children's show, Big Bird has been a favorite among children and adults for decades with his child-like spirit and loveable nature. A spokesman for the Children’s Television Workshop said, "As one of our most beloved characters, we are still hoping Big Bird will be returned to Sesame Street, but the possibility that he may be put to sleep is not being ruled out."

This is considered the worst incident in children's entertainment since Barney the Dinosaur mauled three children in 1998.

Car Crash Kills Four, Secret Agent Escapes Unharmed

A late-model red Jaguar raced through a busy intersection this morning in Washington D.C., resulting in a six-car pileup that killed four people. Though identification of the Jaguar's owner was difficult due to rockets shooting out of the license plate, it is believed to belong to secret agent Hank Rockwell, who escaped the crash without injury.

According to early reports, Rockwell led supervillain Doctor Scorpion's men on a high-speed chase through the city. It was during this chase that Rockwell released an oil slick onto the street at the corner of Elm and Main. The black van pursuing him swerved to miss the oil slick, hit a ramp, and tumbled off a bridge to land on a gasoline truck which exploded into flames. The crash killed both the driver of the black van and the three henchmen in the back.

Arthur Jules, a 23-year old college student, witnessed the chase from his Chevy Suburban. "It was wild. I'm just about to pull into Jack-In-The-Box for an Ultimate Cheeseburger when I hear this loud noise and all these gunshots. I look around, and this car is just smoking right at me. I was so scared it was going to hit me, but then a rocket engine comes out of the Jaguar's truck and the car flew right over me. Then the van chasing it plows right over the bridge. I'm not sure, but I think I heard the driver of the van yelling, 'I'll see you in hell, Rockwell!' And I'm pretty sure I could hear Rockwell say, 'I hope you boys aren't falling for me.' That was kinda funny."

Doctor Scorpion refused to comment on the incident.