Dow Chemicals announced today the creation of a breakthrough new material that it says is the first "flame-retarded" cloth. The pre-treated cloth, which can be used to create clothing or blankets, makes any fire that comes in contact with it severely mentally handicapped.
Dow Chemicals spokeswoman, Lily Nguyen, explained the need for flame-retarded clothing. "It's difficult to make a material can be truly flame-retardant while also lightweight and comfortable. That's why we focused our efforts on flame-retarded material. The result is a cloth that is comfortable, easy to manufacture, of very low-cost, and provides the best protection for the wearer. It also makes fire extremely stupid."
The new flame-retarded material is treated with a complex blend of high-tech polymers and lead-based paint designed to affect any flame that comes in contact with the cloth. According to Dow Chemicals, the material works by reducing the flame's mental capacity so that it can't figure out how to burn the cloth or the wearer.
A demonstration by Dow showed a man dressed in the material walking through a raging inferno completely unharmed. As he passed through the fire, the flames became visibly retarded - banging into each other, burning in circles, and watching reruns of The Jerry Springer Show.
Although fire safety groups and fire departments have praised the new material, advocates have criticized it. A spokesperson for the People for the Mentally Disabled said, "Besides the sheer offensiveness of creating a cloth that turns fire mentally-deficient, we also object to the name of the material. We prefer the term 'fire with Down's Syndrome' or 'mentally challenged fire.'"
Dow Chemicals has said the fire-retarded material will be available by the end of the year. They stated the material should provide almost one hundred protection, but warned that there may be "fire savants" that can burn the wearer despite mental retardation.