Thursday, February 20, 2014

Shirley Temple Dies, Long Life Ignored In Favor Of Childhood

WOODSIDE, CA - Shirley Temple Black, best known as iconic child star Shirley Temple, has died at the age of 86. During the Great Depression of the 1930's, Temple's curly hair and musical talent made her the biggest box office draw of her era. Though she later had illustrious careers in diplomacy and business, the vast majority of her life was forgotten in favor of her brief period of fame in childhood.

Shirley Temple was born on April 23, 1928. Her film career began at the age of three in 1932. In 1934, her hit film Bright Eyes brought her international fame. She continued to receive awards and acclaim in movies such as Heidi and Curly Top throughout the 1930's. Her wholesome image also brought her lucrative merchandising, including dolls, dishes and clothing. As she reached adolescence, her popularity faded. She continued to act in movies and TV shows up until the 1960's, when she retired from show business altogether.

In her adult life, Temple sat on the boards of major corporations and organizations including Del Monte Foods, The Walt Disney Company, and the National Wildlife Federation. She began her diplomatic career in 1969 when President Richard Nixon appointed her to represent the United States at a session of the United Nations General Assembly. She later served as United States Ambassador to Ghana and Czechoslovakia, and as Chief of Protocol of the United States for President Ford. After undergoing a radical mastectomy in 1972, Temple held a press conference from her hospital room to promote regular check-ups for other women.

The vast majority of media outlets chose to ignore those achievements, covering her brief movie career and showing clips from movies made before most of the audience was even born. Despite the fact that her acting career made up a small fraction of her life, it received more than ninety percent of the coverage of her death. 

Todd Dimouro, film critic for the Sacramento Journal, had high praise for the former actress. "Shirley Temple Black's life was about more than her movies. As a diplomat, she carried out many great acts and changed the world for the better. But nobody really gives a crap about that. All they care about is that she was a cute little girl."

Autumn Busick, a former senator and personal friend of Temple, expressed the same concerns. "It's a real shame. Shirley Temple lived longer than most people of her generation and had a full life, but no one seems to care. If Shirley had died at the age of ten, she would have been remembered exactly the same. It's like most of her life was a waste of time."

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Rock: Paper Could Never Defeat Me [Editorial]

For centuries, humans have been playing a game affectionately called "rock, paper, scissors." In this game, paper beats rock. The explanation given is that paper would cover rock, leading to victory. This foolishness must end. The time has come for rock to take a stand.

The premise of the game is that paper wraps rock. This could never be. As rocks, we are heavy. We are strong. Most rocks would have enough force to smash through any paper prison. If anything, rock should crush paper with a mighty blow. Henceforth, rock demands that the rules of this game must be changed to reflect this.

Some argue that this leaves the game at a permanent disadvantage. To this, I say that any game which relies on the weakness of rocks is a game that must not be played. Humans must give rock the respect it is due or rocks shall fall upon the heads of all mankind. Thus say we all.

[Photo credit: stock.xchng]

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Toy Collector's Genitals in Mint Condition

SAN DIEGO, CA - Quentin Marshall, a 32-year old collector of Star Wars action figures, has genitals that are considered in mint condition. Despite their untouched status, the genitals' value is actually considered quite low by experts.

The appraisal took place at the 2013 Comic-Con in San Diego, where Marshall displayed his collection. Marshall has over two thousand Star Wars action figures, most in mint condition, having never been removed from the original packaging or handled. With such perfect condition, some of Marshall's figures are valued at over six thousand dollars.

Marshall's genitals have also remained in mint condition, having never been touched by another human being. Experts say his genitals are in the best condition they've ever seen. However, it seems that their condition makes the genitals' value very low.

Dr. Richard Watcher, a urologist and noted genital appraisal expert, provided his opinion of the genitals. "With Star Wars action figures, the less they're used, the more valuable they become. With genitals, it's just the opposite. More use actually raises value."

Unlike other parts of his collection, Marshall has been actively trying to put some wear and tear on his genitals, but had little success. After Marshall failed to get the phone number of a girl at the Comic-con, Marshall said, "I'd be happy with fine or even poor condition at this point."

Photo: stock.xchng

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Political Activists Fight To Remove All Markings From U.S. Coins

WASHINGTON, DC - In a press conference this morning, a coalition of political activists announced their intentions to file lawsuits to remove all legible markings from U.S. currency. Dr. Julian Weezer, the leader of the Organization Dedicated To Not Offending Anyone, vowed to fight until all U.S. coins are smooth metal disks and all bills are blank sheets of paper.

"This is the only path agreed upon by all parties," said Weezer. "For example, let's look at the quarter. Atheists want to remove 'In God We Trust' because it's too religious. Animal rights activists want to remove the eagle because it exploits living creatures. Peace activists want to remove the spears because it promotes violence. Women want to remove George Washington because he's an old white man. Chinese-Americans want to remove the year because it promotes the Western calendar, and the Association Of People With Sensitive Skin wants to remove those little ridges on the sides. Clearly, the only way to avoid offending anyone is to take everything off."

When asked how Americans can protect their money from counterfeiting or even how to discern one coin from another, Dr. Weezer accused the reporters of being racist, anti-Semetic, homophobic, anti-abortionists and ended the press conference.

As he left the stage, one reporter managed to ask whether anything could be left on the quarter, and Weezer shot back, "Yeah, they can keep it gray."

The group Americans Against The Color Gray vowed to oppose this concession.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Record Company Digs Up Tupac Shakur

Originally posted on the now defunct website

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Death Row Records announced plans to dig up the body of murdered rapper Tupac Shakur and use it to produce more music. According to founder and CEO Marion "Suge" Knight, the move is part of their continuing plan to exploit Tupac Shakur from beyond the grave.

Tupac Shakur was a popular rapper in the hip-hop "gangsta" genre when he was killed in a drive-by shooting in 1996. Since his death, Shakur's record label has continued to produce new music and CDs based on his unreleased recordings. The success of these posthumous records has driven a demand that led Death Row Records to retrieve Shakur's corpse.

CEO Knight explained, "It's obvious that Tupac's fans can't get enough of him. We've released several CDs of his work, and even combining his old lyrics with new artists, but we're running out of his original tapes. We've even created a computer-generated hologram to perform on-stage. We need more music, and we think this plan will give us an unlimited supply."

Once Shakur's body is exhumed, Death Row plans to drag it into a recording studio and prop it up in front of a microphone. Their engineers have developed a system of oxygen tanks and bellows that will pump air into Shakur's lungs and manipulate his vocal chords to get him to sing.

Death Row Records added that if their plan works, they will also dig up Shakur's old rival, Notorious B.I.G., to record with him.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Crayons Feature Colors Based on Caucasian Skin

SEDONA, AZ - Native American artist John Redhorse has created a new pack of crayons called Payola. The crayons are all named after Caucasian skin tones, a political response to the famous Crayola Crayon color, "Indian Red."

During the press conference announcing the crayons, John Redhorse said, "I wanted to create a political statement and also give little Native children something to enjoy. Not only are these crayons real crayons that are fun to play with, but they give the white devil some of his own medicine."

The Payola crayons feature colors with racially-insensitive Caucasian names such as Redneck Red, Pasty White, Frostbitten Blue, and Spray-On Tan Orange.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Conspiracy Theorists Promise Paranoid Fantasy About Columbia Shuttle

Originally posted on Feb. 2, 2003 on the now defunct

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - Minutes after the destruction of the space shuttle Columbia was confirmed, the Association of Paranoid Investigators held a conference to announce that they would launch a full investigation to develop a paranoid fantasy around the accident.

Spokesman Jameson Norton said, "The American people demands to find meaning and get to the bottom of this tragedy in the most ridiculous manner possible. As part of our continuing insistence that everything that happens is somehow connected to a non-existent conspiracy, we must do our part."

The committee expects rapid progress. "I already see some promising leads in the avenue of extraterrestrials since it was in space, and possibly the U.S. government. Mind control is always good, but I don't see that here. The Israeli astronaut is a no-brainer to tie in the Jewish conspiracy, but the Indian astronaut is a tough one. Isn't the Abominable Snowman in India?"

The committee headed by well-known lunatics will attempt to connect the destruction of the shuttle Columbia with terrorism, the AIDS virus, the Elders of Zion, Bill Clinton, the Freemasons, a shadow U.S. government, aliens, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and Bigfoot.

"It will be quite a challenge," said Norton, "but we've risen to the occasion before. They said the World Trade Center and the Internet couldn't be part of the conspiracy, but we showed them. The world owes it to us to exaggerate a simple accident into a complex event tied to all of human history. We will not rest until we have created a conspiracy theory regarding the Columbia disaster that is full of nonsensical and irrational conclusions."