Local Scumbag is Local Hero

Malcolm Morgan, 24, was honored this morning at a ceremony by the mayor for his daring rescue of a group of orphaned children from a deadly fire. Morgan, a drug dealer despised in his community, was honored for his brief bout of selflessness, considered the only thing of worth that he'll commit in his brief and contemptible life.

According to police reports and witnesses, the St.Thomas Home For Orphaned Children was accidentally set on fire by a short in the wiring. Within minutes, the orphanage was engulfed in flames, trapping fifteen boys and girls inside. With fire trucks unable to reach the scene in time, Morgan was seen running into the fire and came out leading the fifteen children to safety. All of the children suffered only minor injuries. Morgan himself suffered second-degree burns on his face and left arm.

Morgan was immediately hailed as a hero and the mayor made plans to present him with the key to the city. Attempts to portray Morgan in the media as a valiant protector became more difficult once the facts of his life were revealed. Police reports show that Morgan has been arrested eight times, three times for drug possession, twice for driving under the influence, twice for domestic abuse, and once for sexual assault. Police claim that Morgan works for Vinnie "the Beast" Caligeri, a Mafia crime boss, distributing methamphetamine on a street corner outside his house. Morgan has been seen by local residents trying to sell meth at a nearby school playground, and at least three children under the age of ten accuse him of trying to give them free samples. Morgan has also been quoted as saying that he despises children, despite the fact that he's the father of fourteen children by ten different mothers, all of whom he owes unpaid child support for.

When asked why he saved the children in the first place, Morgan explained, "Well, I was pretty high on PCP that morning, and I ran into the flames 'cause I thought that orphanage was a brothel with red-headed women nine feet high in it. When the heat brought me to, I went stumbling out from the smoke, and some of them rotten kids grabbed hold of my T-shirt. I yelled at 'em that they'd slow me down and tried to kick some o' them back into the flames, but they were kinda small and I was so high that I couldn't get 'em off. So I had no choice but to pull 'em out with me."

Despite Morgan's history, Mayor Antonio Ruelas decided to go ahead with the ceremony. As he held the key in the air, Morgan stumbled onto the stage wearing a dirty wife-beater and pants three sizes two large that fell around his ankles. At that point, it was revealed that he wore no underwear. Several members of the audience stated that he smelled like he hadn't showered in weeks. Morgan seemed confused and inebriated, screaming profanities, and tossing lit cigarettes into the crowd. Morgan took the key, removed his pants, used the key to make an obscene gesture, and then began singing a song of such offensive content that his microphone was turned off seconds after he began.

Morgan was arrested shortly after leaving the stage. He is currently being charged with indecent exposure, drunk and disorderly conduct, making threatening statements to a public official, distribution of illegal substances, assault, and numerous other charges. The mayor's office apologized for the incident, insisting that Morgan's contribution was still significant. Said Mayor Ruelas, "Mister Morgan will always be a hero to those kids he saved. At least, until they get old enough to know better."

Store Manager Suspects Jewish Employees of Making Up Holidays

MOBILE, AL - Gordon Baker, the store manager for MayDay Groceries, is finding himself suspicious of the many holidays that his Jewish employees are taking time off for. In fact, Baker is even beginning to suspect that some of the holidays are fictional.

Baker, who grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood and had little contact with Jews prior to his working at MayDay Groceries, has become concerned since hiring two devout Jewish employees in 2008. His first conflict came when he tried to shift their schedules to work on Sunday. Baker was told by both employees that they could not work on Sunday for religious reasons.

“They said it was somethin’ called the Sabbath,” said Baker. “That God said they couldn’t work on Sundays, ‘cause that’s a sacred day or what-not. Well, I think Sundays a sacred day, too. I go to church every Sunday, but I never have to take the whole day off. Made me suspicious, like they were looking for a way to ditch working weekends. But I let that one pass.”

Conflict came up again when the employees requested time off during Christmas. Baker said, “One of ‘em claimed she had take a few days off for something called ‘Hanukkah.’ Well, I saw right through that. I told her that there was already a holiday around that time; Christmas. She tried to say Hanukkah’s a holiday that only Jews observed, and that Jews don’t celebrate Christmas. I’m not sure I believed that, but I let that one go, too. But now it seems like they’re coming up with all sorts of new holidays. Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur. It never ends with these people.”

Baker plans to go on the Internet or consult with a rabbi to verify the existence of all Jewish holidays from now on.

He added, “We just hired a Muslim, and I think I need to keep an eye on them, too. There’s something called Ramadan that he keeps going on about.”

Farrah Fawcett's Coffin To Feature Erect Nipples

LOS ANGELES, CA - On June 25, 2009, the Golden Globe and Emmy-nominated actress Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer. She was 62. To honor her memory, Fawcett’s family has decided to decorate her coffin with a pair of erect nipples.

Fawcett was the star of numerous movies and television shows, most famously the TV series Charlie’s Angels. Yet one of Fawcett’s most enduring legacies is a poster taken of her in 1976. The poster, which sold over twelve million copies, featured Fawcett in a red one-piece swimsuit with visibly erect nipples.

Fawcett’s longtime companion and fiancé Ryan O’Neal said, “Besides her feathered blond hair, Fawcett was most known for her nipples. As her most popular physical feature, we feel the best way to honor her legacy will be to put those nipples front and center. They’ll be the last thing the world will see of her, just as they were the nipples that introduced her to the world.”

Famed sculptor Dmitri Patrick will create two hand-carved wooden nipples to be attached to the chest area of Fawcett’s coffin. In an interview, Patrick said, “Before her death, I took as many photographs of her breasts as I could. To make sure the nipples are true to life. Not for my personal use or anything like that, of course. The nipple sculptures will be built to scale, ten times the original size. I think her fans will be pleased. Very pleased.”

Plans have been made to make posters of Farrah Fawcett’s coffin and sell them online to defray the cost of her funeral. Amazon.com has announced that pre-orders for the coffin posters have already exceeded three million.

Scientists Create Flame-Retarded Material

Dow Chemicals announced today the creation of a breakthrough new material that it says is the first "flame-retarded" cloth. The pre-treated cloth, which can be used to create clothing or blankets, makes any fire that comes in contact with it severely mentally handicapped.

Dow Chemicals spokeswoman, Lily Nguyen, explained the need for flame-retarded clothing. "It's difficult to make a material can be truly flame-retardant while also lightweight and comfortable. That's why we focused our efforts on flame-retarded material. The result is a cloth that is comfortable, easy to manufacture, of very low-cost, and provides the best protection for the wearer. It also makes fire extremely stupid."

The new flame-retarded material is treated with a complex blend of high-tech polymers and lead-based paint designed to affect any flame that comes in contact with the cloth. According to Dow Chemicals, the material works by reducing the flame's mental capacity so that it can't figure out how to burn the cloth or the wearer.

A demonstration by Dow showed a man dressed in the material walking through a raging inferno completely unharmed. As he passed through the fire, the flames became visibly retarded - banging into each other, burning in circles, and watching reruns of The Jerry Springer Show.

Although fire safety groups and fire departments have praised the new material, advocates have criticized it. A spokesperson for the People for the Mentally Disabled said, "Besides the sheer offensiveness of creating a cloth that turns fire mentally-deficient, we also object to the name of the material. We prefer the term 'fire with Down's Syndrome' or 'mentally challenged fire.'"

Dow Chemicals has said the fire-retarded material will be available by the end of the year. They stated the material should provide almost one hundred protection, but warned that there may be "fire savants" that can burn the wearer despite mental retardation.

Santa Claus Accused Of Fraudulent "Naughty Or Nice" Lists

Santa Claus resigned on Friday evening in the wake of accusations of fraud after it was discovered that he faked entries on the official "Naughty or Nice" list. Santa Claus handed in his notice after questions were raised about the identity of five hundred children Claus placed on the list who did not exist.

The North Pole's World Population Commission discovered the falsified records during a routine audit performed every one hundred years. According to official documents, Santa Claus added the names of children to the list whose birth records could not be verified. When confronted with the audit, Claus admitted to forging names, as well as entering names for naughty children in the "nice" category and vice-versa.

On an episode of Meet the Elves, Santa Claus expert Hans Gunderstein expressed sympathy with the beloved Christmas icon. "With the increase in the world's population over the years, Santa Claus has been under a lot of stress. China alone takes Claus months to go through. My guess is that Claus just decided to start taking shortcuts somewhere along the line, and he went too far."

The Claus scandal has rocked the mascot industry and raised important questions about ethics. The U.S. Congress has already launched an investigation into the records of the Easter Bunny, and the British Parliament is organizing a financial audit of the Tooth Fairy's Swiss Bank accounts.

Shortly after the announcement of the fraud, Santa Claus submitted his resignation to his elves and went into seclusion. Mrs. Claus will be taking over operations until a permanent replacement can be found.

Pigs Fly

The world was thrown into chaos today when pigs all over the Earth sprouted wings and began to fly. Besides the turmoil caused by thousands of pigs unexpectedly sailing through the air, further bedlam followed when events once thought to be impossible suddenly began to occur.

The expression "when pigs fly" is a common idiom in the English language used to humorously express that something will never happen, as in "I'll go out with him when pigs fly." Many people have used the expression for hundreds of years, but it's believed none of them expected it to ever come true.

Yet at approximately six forty-five AM CST, feathered wings suddenly grew on the backs of pigs all over the planet. Within the hour, all the pigs had gained control of their new wings and taken flight. It's believed that hundreds of planes have crashed as a result of colliding with the airborne pigs, and millions of windows on thousands of buildings have been smashed as a result of pigs falling through them. Zoologists are at a loss to explain how the previously land-based animals gained flight, except to suggest that it may be an unexpected side effect of growth hormones or genetic engineering.

Of greater significance is the fact that it seems everything predicted as happening "when pigs fly" actually began to happen. Beautiful women married unattractive men, people gave money to others who were clearly unable or unwilling to pay it back, construction projects that seemed sturdy collapsed, and people successfully gained employment at companies they are completely unqualified for.

Most of the pigs in the U.S. have been captured and will be identified and returned to their original owners. As for the unlikely chaos, the White House held an emergency press conference to warn the American people to remain calm. However, there has been renewed concern from reports by the Vatican that Hell has frozen over.

Britney Spears Makes Big Comeback for 3,811 Time

After going through the catastrophic events of the past year, fans and news media are calling pop singer Britney Spears' upcoming appearance on the hit sitcom Friendly Fire her big comeback. This is the 3,811th self-proclaimed "big comeback."

Britney Spears reached untold heights of popularity during the nineties with such hit pop songs as "Oops, I Did It Again" and "I'm a Slave 4 U." In the last decade, Britney Spears went through a series of tumultuous events that caused her popularity to decline. Her freefall began with the short-lived one-day marriage to Jason Allen Alexander in 2004, and came to a peak when she shaved her head in a hair salon in 2007. Since then, many media pundits and Spears fans have been quick to call her every positive move her "big comeback" (included her disastrous performance for the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards) only to find her career overshadowed by troubles in her personal life.

Her latest comeback will be a guest appearance on the hit NBC sitcom Friendly Fire later this month. Spears is scheduled to play herself in an episode where the cast gets locked into a music store during a tornado. Though she is only slated to appear for a total of ten seconds, Spears' cameo has already generated a great deal of publicity.

Mary Lee Alvarado, the founder of Spears' biggest fan website "Britney Spears is Awesome," is enthusiastic about the cameo. "Britney has been through a lot over the last few years, but people really love her. It's been hard to watch her suffer, but she's a talented girl. She's just going through a rough patch right now, but when she gets herself together, Britney will be right back on top. We think this could be the start of her journey back into our hearts."

But one person who disagrees is psychiatrist and media expert, Lawrence Percivall. He stated, "I seriously doubt a brief appearance on a popular TV show is going to repair the damage that she's already done to her image and continues to do. Britney Spears needs drug treatment and psychiatric counseling. Some people spend their whole lives struggling with the problems Spears has. She's not going to become a whole person overnight. She may never become grounded enough to hold down a successful music career again. Her public needs to face the fact that the Britney Spears they knew and loved may never return. She may never have existed at all. Look, Britney Spears is not the sweet, loveable, virginal girl that her PR department claimed her to be. Britney Spears is a foul-mouthed, divorced mother in her late twenties who suffers from a severe mental illness and an addiction to illegal substances. It's not just a matter of Spears releasing a new hit song or getting a new film role. Her fans have to accept reality. It's over, people. Let it go."

This morning, the Associated Press reported that on the way towards filming her appearance on Friendly Fire, Spears was photographed topless with a Satanic symbol tattooed on each breast and a crack pipe in her mouth, dangling her oldest son out of a car window while driving the wrong way down a freeway. Her publicist has declined to comment on the incident.