Giant Rodent Skeleton Unearthed Inside Richard Gere

Originally posted on 09/18/2003 on the now-defunct Newshax

 

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On Thursday night, Richard Gere was taken to the Queen of Angels Presbyterian Hospital in Hollywood, complaining of abdominal pains. When doctors examined Gere, they found the skeleton of a gigantic prehistoric rodent lodged in the actor's rectum. 

Researchers have identified the skeleton as belonging to a previously unknown species of rodent that dates back eight million years. The rodent, called Phoberomys Pattersoni, is the largest rodent ever known. It measured over seven feet long and weighed over a thousand pounds.

Of even greater interest than the skeleton itself is the question of how it ended up inside Richard Gere. However, the actor refused to comment on the incident as he left the hospital. His press agent has claimed that Gere was walking past an archaeological site in Venezuela when he tripped and fell on the skeleton.

Police Adopt New 'Michael Jackson Policy' For Suspected Child Molesters

Originally posted on 11/21/2003 on the now defunct Newshax.com

SANTA BARBARA, CA - In an effort to keep his promise that he would not treat singer Michael Jackson any differently than anyone else, Santa Barbara sheriff Jim Anderson announced a new policy in dealing with accused child molesters. Santa Barbara police will now allow suspected child molesters to be warned of their arrest ahead of time, and give them an unspecified amount of time to wander the country while they negotiate their surrender.

Santa Barbara sheriff Jim Anderson described the new policy as being "the only reasonable alternative," given the latitude extended to Michael Jackson. After Jackson was accused on Wednesday of multiple counts of child abuse, police faced some criticism for their treatment of the pop star. Anderson insisted that wasn't true and that, in the future, everyone accused of molesting children will be given the same latitude.

Anderson went on to detail the process, which would start by announcing on national television that an arrest warrant has been issued for the suspect. That would be a change from the usual policy where the police try to surprise the suspect to keep him from escaping before they arrive. The police will also wait for the suspect to leave the state so that he is out of their jurisdiction, preventing the police from carrying out the arrest.

Neither would the Santa Barbara police make arrangements with law enforcement outside the state to arrest and extradite the suspected child molester back to California. Instead, in the interests of fairness, suspected child molesters will be given millions of dollars and their own private plane. They will be allowed to board the plane with three prepubescent children, access to their money, and a passport and fly around the country while they decide if they want to surrender. When and if they do surrender, the suspected child molester will be allowed to dictate the time and place of his or her arrest. This would include where they are booked, how they are booked, and whether their photograph will be released to the media. Once the suspected child molester is booked, he will be allowed to go free.

When reporters asked if the new policy would be extended to other crimes, Sheriff Anderson said no. "Bank robbery, kidnapping, murder, these are all serious crimes. We wouldn't want those kinds of people running around loose. But with something like sexual misconduct with children, I think we can cut them some slack."

Report: Atkins Died of Mad Cow Disease

Originally posted on 2/14/2004 at the now defunct Newshax.com

NEW YORK - The Wall Street Journal released a report that claimed the famed diet guru Doctor Robert Atkins did not die of a head injury from slipping on ice, as originally claimed. Instead, the coroner's report showed that Atkins died of mad cow disease from consuming too much beef.

Some have criticized Atkins' diet advice that stresses protein-rich meat and cheese over carbohydrates. They especially focused on the sections which encouraged patients to eat whole cow brains and spinal columns. Atkins himself was known to consume fourteen cow brains a day and once said that he liked "the spongy ones" best.

Atkins' widow, Veronica Atkins, was outraged that the report had been made public and insisted it was not true. "The allegations by the press are completely false. The foaming at the mouth and uncontrolled mooing that my husband exhibited before his death is perfectly normal for a man his weight and age."

Supporters of Atkins' advice, mostly members of the meat and cheese industry, insist that the diet is safe. They continue to encourage the consumption of meat, cheese, and cow brains.

Rosie O'Donnell Confirmed As Illegitimate Daughter of Keiko the Killer Whale

Originally posted on 12/22/2003 on the now-defunct Newshax.com

MIAMI, FL - The family of Keiko released a statement on Monday acknowledging that Rosie O'Donnell is the killer whale's illegitimate daughter. O'Donnell went public with her claim that the late star of the movie Free Willy was her father in a report published by The Washington Post on Saturday. Keiko's relatives released a statement on Monday that confirmed the claim.

"As Keiko has passed away and cannot speak for himself and couldn't speak English anyway, Keiko's family acknowledges Miss O'Donnell's claim to Keiko's heritage," the statement said. "We hope this acknowledgment will bring closure for Miss O'Donnell and explain her extraordinary size."

The killer whale known as Keiko was famous for his work in the movie Free Willy. He was originally captured and sold to a marine park in 1973. Starting in 1993, Keiko starred in three movies of the Free Willy franchise. He died Friday afternoon from a sudden onset of pneumonia.


At the time she was conceived, Keiko was unmarried and living in the Pacific Ocean when O'Donnell's mother fell overboard during a cruise. Keiko and the woman had a brief love affair until O'Donnell's mother ran out of oxygen and returned to the surface. O'Donnell told the Post that Keiko privately acknowledged her as his daughter and provided her with ten tons of fish every year. O'Donnell said she had not disclosed her paternity because of their mutual "deep respect" and her fears that it would harm Keiko's movie career.

Amputee Receives Interchangable Weapon Limbs

DENVER, CO -Through a radical new surgery, a local amputee has been given interchangable weapon limbs. The limbs will allow Joshua Carter, 24, to not only walk comfortably and manipulate objects, but also fire a multitude of high-powered ammunition. It is believed the new prosthetics will challenge views about amputees, and change the handicapped from sources of pity to sources of terror.

Joshua Carter, 24, lost both arms and one leg in a car accident ten years ago. Since then, he has worn a variety of prosthetic limbs designed to help him walk and recover a limited ability to hold objects. Thanks to a radical new surgery, his stumps have been fitted with a special socket that allows him to add and remove specially designed prosthetics. He still has prosthetics for his arms and legs that allow him to walk and pick up objects, but now also has prosthetics that will fire armor-piercing bullets, surface-to-air missiles, napalm, and rocket-propelled grenades.

Dr. Byron Lee, the lead surgeon who performed the surgery and designed the prosthetics, explained his decision. "It's one thing to provide a handicapped individual with the ability to lead a normal life. That's been done. What I wanted to do was provide a handicapped individual with the ability to lead a normal life, as well as take life away from others. I think this procedure will change the handicapped from someone to be pitied into someone to be feared."

At a press conference, Carter demonstrated his new prosthetics by firing a hundred armor-piercing rounds into a test dummy within three seconds, and shooting an F-35 fighter jet down from the sky.

If the operation proves successful, Dr. Lee plans to carry out more radical surgeries, such as mounting a legless amputee onto a tank, and embedding a quadriplegic into a ten-foot tall combat robot. As for Carter, he says that he has no immediate plans for his new weapons, but is considering a career in crime-fighting.

Amy Winehouse's Corpse Celebrates 24 Hours Sober

LONDON, UK - Amy Winehouse, world-famous musician known more for her drug addiction than her music, was found dead in her home on Saturday at the age of 27. Today, the late Amy Winehouse's family and friends celebrated the fact that she has been sober for twenty-four hours straight since her death.

Born in 1983 in North London, Amy Winehouse was a celebrated singer and songwriter whose music was influenced by jazz, rock, funk, pop, and soul genres. She won five Grammy awards for her last album "Back in Black" in 2007. Winehouse was also acclaimed for refusing to fit the mold of female celebrities, sporting a black beehive hair-do, makeup that included heavy mascara, and plentiful tattoos. However, Winehouse's personal troubles quickly overtook her musical career. Rumors of drug binges gave way to photographs and videos of Winehouse intoxicated on alcohol and cocaine. Her performances became erratic with reports of her staggering on stage, unable to remember lyrics, and slurring her words. Winehouse was arrested multiple times for assault, and went through rehab three times, but would always fall back into her old ways. As yet, her cause of death has not been determined.

Despite their grief, Winehouse's relatives and acquaintances are praising the fact that she has been drug-free for twenty-four hours since her death. Ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil spoke to Good Morning America with Amy Winehouse's body propped up next to him, saying, "This is the longest that Amy has been clean and sober since 2004. They always say the first twenty-four hours are the hardest, and she made it through. We all consider this a huge step towards her eventual recovery. If Amy keeps this up for another day, this will be her longest streak of sobriety in almost a decade."

While many have high hopes that Winehouse will be able to maintain her abstinence, there have been unconfirmed sightings of Winehouse's corpse partying at local pubs.

Study: Your Parents Never Loved You

VIRGINIA - A new study on the relationships between parents and their children was released on Tuesday. According to the researchers, the results of the lengthy study prove conclusively that your parents never loved you.

The study, conducted by the Center for Familial Interaction at the National Foundation for Social Research and Development based at the University of Virginia, arrived at several conclusions as to why your parents never loved you. For example, your mother resents you for ruining her figure, and taking up her time, preventing her from pursuing other things in her life. Your father resents you for using up his hard-earned money, taking all your mother’s attention away from him in his relationship, and for interfering with his love life. Both of them resent the amount of time they’ve devoted to you instead of themselves and each other. Research indicates that, despite what they might have told you, you were an accident that your parents didn’t really want.

Dr. Allan Clark, lead sociologist and the director of the Foundation, said, “We know this study may be painful for some people to hear, but unfortunately that can’t be helped. We checked our data a thousand times. There’s no other conclusion we can draw. You can ask your parents, and they may deny it and say they do love you, but they’re lying to you.”

The researchers are currently following up on the data, which may indicate more conclusions, such as that your parents always liked your siblings better than you, and that you might be adopted.

Local Scumbag is Local Hero

Malcolm Morgan, 24, was honored this morning at a ceremony by the mayor for his daring rescue of a group of orphaned children from a deadly fire. Morgan, a drug dealer despised in his community, was honored for his brief bout of selflessness, considered the only thing of worth that he'll commit in his brief and contemptible life.

According to police reports and witnesses, the St.Thomas Home For Orphaned Children was accidentally set on fire by a short in the wiring. Within minutes, the orphanage was engulfed in flames, trapping fifteen boys and girls inside. With fire trucks unable to reach the scene in time, Morgan was seen running into the fire and came out leading the fifteen children to safety. All of the children suffered only minor injuries. Morgan himself suffered second-degree burns on his face and left arm.

Morgan was immediately hailed as a hero and the mayor made plans to present him with the key to the city. Attempts to portray Morgan in the media as a valiant protector became more difficult once the facts of his life were revealed. Police reports show that Morgan has been arrested eight times, three times for drug possession, twice for driving under the influence, twice for domestic abuse, and once for sexual assault. Police claim that Morgan works for Vinnie "the Beast" Caligeri, a Mafia crime boss, distributing methamphetamine on a street corner outside his house. Morgan has been seen by local residents trying to sell meth at a nearby school playground, and at least three children under the age of ten accuse him of trying to give them free samples. Morgan has also been quoted as saying that he despises children, despite the fact that he's the father of fourteen children by ten different mothers, all of whom he owes unpaid child support for.

When asked why he saved the children in the first place, Morgan explained, "Well, I was pretty high that morning, and I ran into the flames 'cause I thought that orphanage was a brothel with red-headed women nine feet high in it. When the heat brought me to, I went stumbling out from the smoke, and some of them rotten kids grabbed hold of my T-shirt. I yelled at 'em that they'd slow me down and tried to kick some o' them back into the flames, but they were kinda small and I was so high that I couldn't get 'em off. So I had no choice but to pull 'em out with me."

Despite Morgan's history, Mayor Antonio Ruelas decided to go ahead with the ceremony. As he held the key in the air, Morgan stumbled onto the stage wearing a dirty wife-beater and pants three sizes two large that fell around his ankles. At that point, it was revealed that he wore no underwear. Several members of the audience stated that he smelled like he hadn't showered in weeks. Morgan seemed confused and inebriated, screaming profanities, and tossing lit cigarettes into the crowd. Morgan took the key, used the key to make an obscene gesture, and then began singing a song of such offensive content that his microphone was turned off seconds after he began.

Morgan was arrested shortly after leaving the stage. He is currently being charged with indecent exposure, drunk and disorderly conduct, making threatening statements to a public official, distribution of illegal substances, assault, and numerous other charges. The mayor's office apologized for the incident, insisting that Morgan's contribution was still significant. Said Mayor Ruelas, "Mister Morgan will always be a hero to those kids he saved. At least, until they get old enough to know better."

Store Manager Suspects Jewish Employees of Making Up Holidays

MOBILE, AL - Gordon Baker, the store manager for MayDay Groceries, is finding himself suspicious of the many holidays that his Jewish employees are taking time off for. In fact, Baker is even beginning to suspect that some of the holidays are fictional.

Baker, who grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood and had little contact with Jews prior to his working at MayDay Groceries, has become concerned since hiring two devout Jewish employees in 2008. His first conflict came when he tried to shift their schedules to work on Sunday. Baker was told by both employees that they could not work on Sunday for religious reasons.

“They said it was somethin’ called the Sabbath,” said Baker. “That God said they couldn’t work on Sundays, ‘cause that’s a sacred day or what-not. Well, I think Sundays a sacred day, too. I go to church every Sunday, but I never have to take the whole day off. Made me suspicious, like they were looking for a way to ditch working weekends. But I let that one pass.”

Conflict came up again when the employees requested time off during Christmas. Baker said, “One of ‘em claimed she had take a few days off for something called ‘Hanukkah.’ Well, I saw right through that. I told her that there was already a holiday around that time; Christmas. She tried to say Hanukkah’s a holiday that only Jews observed, and that Jews don’t celebrate Christmas. I’m not sure I believed that, but I let that one go, too. But now it seems like they’re coming up with all sorts of new holidays. Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur. It never ends with these people.”

Baker plans to go on the Internet or consult with a rabbi to verify the existence of all Jewish holidays from now on.

He added, “We just hired a Muslim, and I think I need to keep an eye on them, too. There’s something called Ramadan that he keeps going on about.”

Farrah Fawcett's Coffin To Feature Erect Nipples

LOS ANGELES, CA - On June 25, 2009, the Golden Globe and Emmy-nominated actress Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer. She was 62. To honor her memory, Fawcett’s family has decided to decorate her coffin with a pair of erect nipples.

Fawcett was the star of numerous movies and television shows, most famously the TV series Charlie’s Angels. Yet one of Fawcett’s most enduring legacies is a poster taken of her in 1976. The poster, which sold over twelve million copies, featured Fawcett in a red one-piece swimsuit with visibly erect nipples.

Fawcett’s longtime companion and fiancé Ryan O’Neal said, “Besides her feathered blond hair, Fawcett was most known for her nipples. As her most popular physical feature, we feel the best way to honor her legacy will be to put those nipples front and center. They’ll be the last thing the world will see of her, just as they were the nipples that introduced her to the world.”

Famed sculptor Dmitri Patrick will create two hand-carved wooden nipples to be attached to the chest area of Fawcett’s coffin. In an interview, Patrick said, “Before her death, I took as many photographs of her breasts as I could. To make sure the nipples are true to life. Not for my personal use or anything like that, of course. The nipple sculptures will be built to scale, ten times the original size. I think her fans will be pleased. Very pleased.”

Plans have been made to make posters of Farrah Fawcett’s coffin and sell them online to defray the cost of her funeral. Amazon.com has announced that pre-orders for the coffin posters have already exceeded three million.

Scientists Create Flame-Retarded Material

Dow Chemicals announced today the creation of a breakthrough new material that it says is the first "flame-retarded" cloth. The pre-treated cloth, which can be used to create clothing or blankets, makes any fire that comes in contact with it severely mentally handicapped.

Dow Chemicals spokeswoman, Lily Nguyen, explained the need for flame-retarded clothing. "It's difficult to make a material can be truly flame-retardant while also lightweight and comfortable. That's why we focused our efforts on flame-retarded material. The result is a cloth that is comfortable, easy to manufacture, of very low-cost, and provides the best protection for the wearer. It also makes fire extremely stupid."

The new flame-retarded material is treated with a complex blend of high-tech polymers and lead-based paint designed to affect any flame that comes in contact with the cloth. According to Dow Chemicals, the material works by reducing the flame's mental capacity so that it can't figure out how to burn the cloth or the wearer.

A demonstration by Dow showed a man dressed in the material walking through a raging inferno completely unharmed. As he passed through the fire, the flames became visibly retarded - banging into each other, burning in circles, and watching reruns of The Jerry Springer Show.

Although fire safety groups and fire departments have praised the new material, advocates have criticized it. A spokesperson for the People for the Mentally Disabled said, "Besides the sheer offensiveness of creating a cloth that turns fire mentally-deficient, we also object to the name of the material. We prefer the term 'fire with Down's Syndrome' or 'mentally challenged fire.'"

Dow Chemicals has said the fire-retarded material will be available by the end of the year. They stated the material should provide almost one hundred protection, but warned that there may be "fire savants" that can burn the wearer despite mental retardation.