WASHINGTON, DC - In a press conference this morning, a coalition of political activists announced their intentions to file lawsuits to remove all legible markings from U.S. currency. Dr. Julian Weezer, the leader of the Organization Dedicated To Not Offending Anyone, vowed to fight until all U.S. coins are smooth metal disks and all bills are blank sheets of paper.
"This is the only path agreed upon by all parties," said Weezer. "For example, let's look at the quarter. Atheists want to remove 'In God We Trust' because it's too religious. Animal rights activists want to remove the eagle because it exploits living creatures. Peace activists want to remove the spears because it promotes violence. Women want to remove George Washington because he's an old white man. Chinese-Americans want to remove the year because it promotes the Western calendar, and the Association Of People With Sensitive Skin wants to remove those little ridges on the sides. Clearly, the only way to avoid offending anyone is to take everything off."
When asked how Americans can protect their money from counterfeiting or even how to discern one coin from another, Dr. Weezer accused the reporters of being racist, anti-Semetic, homophobic, anti-abortionists and ended the press conference.
As he left the stage, one reporter managed to ask whether anything could be left on the quarter, and Weezer shot back, "Yeah, they can keep it gray."
The group Americans Against The Color Gray vowed to oppose this concession.