Local Scumbag is Local Hero

Malcolm Morgan, 24, was honored this morning at a ceremony by the mayor for his daring rescue of a group of orphaned children from a deadly fire. Morgan, a drug dealer despised in his community, was honored for his brief bout of selflessness, considered the only thing of worth that he'll commit in his brief and contemptible life.

According to police reports and witnesses, the St.Thomas Home For Orphaned Children was accidentally set on fire by a short in the wiring. Within minutes, the orphanage was engulfed in flames, trapping fifteen boys and girls inside. With fire trucks unable to reach the scene in time, Morgan was seen running into the fire and came out leading the fifteen children to safety. All of the children suffered only minor injuries. Morgan himself suffered second-degree burns on his face and left arm.

Morgan was immediately hailed as a hero and the mayor made plans to present him with the key to the city. Attempts to portray Morgan in the media as a valiant protector became more difficult once the facts of his life were revealed. Police reports show that Morgan has been arrested eight times, three times for drug possession, twice for driving under the influence, twice for domestic abuse, and once for sexual assault. Police claim that Morgan works for Vinnie "the Beast" Caligeri, a Mafia crime boss, distributing methamphetamine on a street corner outside his house. Morgan has been seen by local residents trying to sell meth at a nearby school playground, and at least three children under the age of ten accuse him of trying to give them free samples. Morgan has also been quoted as saying that he despises children, despite the fact that he's the father of fourteen children by ten different mothers, all of whom he owes unpaid child support for.

When asked why he saved the children in the first place, Morgan explained, "Well, I was pretty high that morning, and I ran into the flames 'cause I thought that orphanage was a brothel with red-headed women nine feet high in it. When the heat brought me to, I went stumbling out from the smoke, and some of them rotten kids grabbed hold of my T-shirt. I yelled at 'em that they'd slow me down and tried to kick some o' them back into the flames, but they were kinda small and I was so high that I couldn't get 'em off. So I had no choice but to pull 'em out with me."

Despite Morgan's history, Mayor Antonio Ruelas decided to go ahead with the ceremony. As he held the key in the air, Morgan stumbled onto the stage wearing a dirty wife-beater and pants three sizes two large that fell around his ankles. At that point, it was revealed that he wore no underwear. Several members of the audience stated that he smelled like he hadn't showered in weeks. Morgan seemed confused and inebriated, screaming profanities, and tossing lit cigarettes into the crowd. Morgan took the key, used the key to make an obscene gesture, and then began singing a song of such offensive content that his microphone was turned off seconds after he began.

Morgan was arrested shortly after leaving the stage. He is currently being charged with indecent exposure, drunk and disorderly conduct, making threatening statements to a public official, distribution of illegal substances, assault, and numerous other charges. The mayor's office apologized for the incident, insisting that Morgan's contribution was still significant. Said Mayor Ruelas, "Mister Morgan will always be a hero to those kids he saved. At least, until they get old enough to know better."