Saturday, August 26, 2006

Local Man Is Either Insane Or Using Cell Phone

GREEN BAY, WI - Residents of a local neighborhood are expressing concern about Brandon Parker, a 42-year old marketing analyst who moved into the area last week. Neighbors are in a heated debate about whether Parker is making extensive use of his cell phone or is really just crazy.

Silvia Osornio, a 23-year old receptionist, lives next-door to Parker and is of the opinion that Parker is sane. "I see him around the neighborhood all the time, and I've never seen him without his cell phone at his ear. But he's not a whacko. He wears a nice suit and carries a briefcase. I think he's just really busy."

Martin Wells, a 54-year old grocer with a shop across the street from Parker, disagrees. "That guy's just weird," he said. "I've seen him walking around in the middle of the night, and he's always yelling. It doesn't seem like a normal conversation to me. One time, I heard him say, 'You can't kill me, I'm immortal!' Another time, he yells, 'Those aren't porcupines, they have legs!' I think he's nuts and holding a phone to his ear doesn't mean anything. It might not even be on."

Dr. Michelle Gaines, a psychiatrist consulted on the incident, explained that Parker could be suffering from schizophrenia. "Auditory hallucinations are very common in this condition. Often, a sufferer from schizophrenia will hear voices and be inclined to respond. That certainly could apply in this case. But the cell phone complicates things. Parker could just be obnoxious. With the prevalance of cell phones in today's society, who can tell?"

Many neighbors are split on what to do about Parker. Some favor calling the police or medical professionals to investigate him. Others insist that he should be left alone. Osornio added that "if Parker is crazy, he should be locked up. But if he's not crazy, I'd like to find out his cell provider, because the way he uses it, he must get a lot of minutes."

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