WASHINGTON D.C. - Due to a diplomatic breakdown between members of the European Union, nuclear missiles were launched at 10:34 AM this morning. When the war ended, ninety-four percent of the surface of the European continent was destroyed and much of what remained is in flames. It is estimated that 728,000,000 citizens of Europe were killed in the war as well as two Americans.
The two Americans, Megan and Charles Taylor, were on a tour bus in Berlin when the missiles struck. It is believed they were killed instantly, along with billions of other European and less-important victims. News of their death shocked the United States, and left many of their friends and family in mourning.
As the United Nations held resolutions mourning the billions of Europeans dead, the White House issued a statement mourning the death of the Taylors. In a press conference, White House spokesman Will Carter gave a ray of hope to the nation in this time of tragedy by pointing out that many more Americans could have died. Carter added, "The low death count of Americans shows that good things do happen. For that, the world should rejoice."
As the United Nations rushes to send ships and aircraft to evacuate the populations of surrounding nations like Egypt and India, America has also been swift to provide aid. The Red Cross has set up a special fund to help the families of the two dead Americans, and Congress has begun planning a memorial for the Taylors. Senators have proposed excavating scrap metal from demolished European cities to defray the cost.
Ending the press conference, Carter stressed the importance of not giving in to panic. "My fellow citizens, do not be alarmed. There were no other Americans killed in the blasts, and we expect no further American casualties. Life can go on as normal."
However, some experts have raised concerns that the fallout from the ashes of dead Europeans will blow across the ocean and cause lung cancer in some Americans.