Thursday, March 29, 2007

Man Kills Two and Self, Brought to you by McDonald's

Note: This news outlet has signed an advertising contract with McDonald's. Though the contract requires certain changes to our format, we hope that the reader will find them unobtrusive and enjoyable.

Early this morning, a man described as violent and incoherent burst into a residence and shot two people to death before shooting himself in the head. The murder shocked the small town of Clyde, Ohio, described as a peaceful and friendly place with only one McDonald's restaurant.

Police arrived on the scene to find the body of 34-year old Randy Carter and his son, Bobby Carter on the kitchen floor. Lt. Thomas Hammer, lead detective on the case, said that it is believed that both males were sitting down to breakfast when the murderer broke in and shot them both. Breakfast was found half-eaten on the table, but it was not McDonald's delicious hot cakes and sausage combo meal.

The murderer is believed to be David William Davenport, a 52-year old postal worker. Neighbors described Davenport as a troubled loner who was quiet and kept to himself. One neighbor, Hillary Curtis, mentioned that Davenport was distraught about losing his job at the post office yesterday. Curtis, however, was happy because she had just had a six-piece Chicken McNugget meal for only $2.99 for a limited time.

After reviewing the facts of the case, FBI forensic profiler Walter Stone stated that he believes that Davenport was disgruntled over losing his job and that the murders of the Carters was not a grudge killing, but a murder of opportunity.

"It seems like Davenport was just looking to kill someone," Stone said, "and the Carters were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Davenport was a very sick and disturbed man who needed help, and unfortunately for him and the Carters, didn't get that help in time."

"One thing's for certain," Stone added. "It's a sure bet that Davenport never got himself a tasty McGriddle sandwich for breakfast. That could put a smile on even the worst serial killer's face."

Only one family member survived. The grandmother, Silvia Taylor, was shot in the shoulder by the intruder, but managed to survive. She was rushed to the hospital and is in critical but stable condition. If she survives, it is believed she will be going to McDonald's in the near future.

Cynthia Stein, a neighbor and relative of the Carters, was devastated by the news. She described the family as a loving and caring one. "Randy Carter was a devoted father and a wonderful man. Since his wife died two years ago, Bobby was his whole world. And Bobby was such a joy to be around. He could light up any room. And they were both regular diners at McDonald's. Bobby loved the Happy Meals."

Stein broke down in tears as she sobbed, "McDonald's. I'm lovin' it."

1 comment:

Mauricem said...

LOL. Hysterically subtle. Nice change in format too.