Local Cult Fails To Gain Popularity

DALLAS, TX - Malcolm Zinkler, a former plumber, has started his own cult, but so far it has failed to catch on. Zinkler formed the Blessed Rising of the Holy Fundamentalist Church of Modern-Day Apostles back in 1997, but so far has managed to hold onto only two members - his wife Jean and his daughter Kelly. Ex-cult members blame Zinkler's complete lack of charisma and organizational skills as two main reasons for leaving his flock.

One of the former cult members, Phillip Rangel, was only in the cult for two days before dropping out, saying, "I really wanted to stay with it, but it wasn't working out. It just wasn't what I was looking for in a cult."

Betty Stevenson, another former cult member, agrees. She only attended one of the cult's meetings before withdrawing.

"It became immediately apparent that he wasn't a leader," Stevenson said. "For one thing, Zinkler's a really bad speaker. He was really nervous and shaky and kept dropping his notes. And he has a severe speech impediment that made him hard to understand. And his mumbling didn't help. When I go to a cult meeting, I expect to be mesmerized. This guy made me fall asleep."

Rangel expressed another concern about Zinkler, which is that his beliefs were very poorly-defined. "Zinkler couldn't give me a real good idea of the cult's philosphies. One day he said that God wanted us to all dress in black because colors are the work of the Devil. Then the next day, he said he was wrong, that God wanted us all to wear white because black is the work of the Devil. Then he came back the next week and said that God dropped the dress code, just wear whatever we want. I need consistency in my cults."

Stevenson agreed with his assessment, saying, "Zinkler wanted us to give him all his money. When I asked if that would get us a place in heaven, he said no, it would just help him get a bigger house. He also said he wants us to take up arms against the government and commit suicide if our compound was breached. When we asked why, Zinkler just said he thought it would be a good idea. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not dying for that."

After leaving Zinkel's cult three months ago, Rangel moved on to the Dark Journey cult, where he is said to be pleased with the results. He has already lost all his worldly belongings to its leader Zolkar, been married to a porcupine, and fallen into a drug-induced haze preparing for the Apocalypse.

Even the FBI has lost interest in Zinkler. FBI Agent Hank Rockwell was leading the investigation on Zinkler and said, "When we heard there was a new cult out there preaching the destruction of the U.S. government and its members giving away all their worldly possessions, we were concerned. But when we saw one of Zinkler's meetings, we dropped the case. We knew this guy's cult wasn't getting off the ground."

Richard Loman, a motivational speaker for sales representaves all over the country, believes that Zinkler's cult could be saved, but will require some major changes.

"Zinkler has a good start," said Loman, "but he needs help. I would recommend taking some classes on public speaking and religious philosophy, and hiring a style coach to improve his hygeine and appearance. With the right guidance, Zinkler could be marrying underage girls and barricading his followers against an FBI assault on his compound in no time."

The only members of the cult still remaining are Zinkler's wife and child, and even they are not loyal followers. His wife Jean said, "When Malcolm started the cult, I wanted to be supportive so we joined up, but it's just not working out. I told him, he's got one month. If this cult doesn't pick up by then, he needs to get a real job. I told him, maybe you're just not cut for this. Not everybody can be a cult leader."