Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Local Morning DJ is Clinically Insane

SAN DIEGO, CA - Jack "Maniac" Goldberg, a 34-year old DJ hosting a new morning program in San Diego, is clinically insane. His radio station is enthusiastic about Goldberg's cascade of emotional and psychological problems that they feel will enhance his on-air performance.

Goldberg, who hosts the new morning radio show The Maniac Morning Zoo Crew on KQTP, has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He was recently released after a year-long stay in a mental hospital against the wishes of his doctors, who believe Goldberg is still unstable. The station manager Quentin Miller is pleased with the results.

"We find mental illness is an important part of a good morning radio show," said Miller. "All the other stations have their wacky morning shows with names like The Morning Madness or The Crazy Crew, but none of them can touch Goldberg. They want to say their DJs are crazy? Hey, Goldberg really is crazy. And we think that authenticity will strike a chord with listeners."

Miller points to the fact that Goldberg is manic depressive, which gives him "a good swing of emotions." Adds Miller, "In the morning, Goldberg is hyperactive, so he's loud and jumping up and down, which the listeners like at that hour. He spends the rest of the day mired in depression, but usually his show's over by then."

Goldberg also suffers from auditory hallucinations in the form of random voices and sounds. In order to simulate the effect for listeners, they have given Goldberg a bank of sound effects to play throughout the show.

In addition, said Miller, "Goldberg also has multiple personalities that we call 'characters.' One of his characters, an old black woman named Velma Jackson, is a favorite character of the listeners. Plus, it means we don't have to hire anyone else to do the show with him."

An attempt to interview Goldberg for this story resulted in a two-hour meeting during which Goldberg accused us of being extraterrestrials trying to steal his brain for the government, attempted to dig through the carpet to the center of the Earth, cycled through fifty-four different personalities, and finally collapsed into a catatonic state from which he could not be revived.

The station has cut off Goldberg's psychiatric treatment and confiscated his medication in hopes of increasing his psychosis. When asked why, Miller explained, "We're hoping to take him nationwide."

1 comment:

Mauricem said...

LOL Once again, too funny because it's so true. Makes me wonder about the "morning sickness"...
I like the idea they're taking his meds so they can syndicate the show.