China Kills Olympic Protestors To Maintain Olympic Ideals of Peace

BEIJING, CHINA - In the wake of continuing protests by the world community over the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, the Chinese military rounded up forty men and women protesting the Games in Guiyang and executed them by firing squad. China replied to criticism of the executions by arguing that they were simply trying to maintain the Olympic ideals of peace.

As the Olympic Games have approached, China has faced a barrage of protests over its human rights abuses, occupation of Tibet, and oppressive rule of its citizens. Protesters have followed the Olympic Torch as it made its journey around the world, in some cases trying to douse the flames. China has insisted that the Games should not be made political, and should instead be seen in a spirit of peace, unity, and harmony. As a result, said China's president Hu Jintao in a speech given on national television, all protests to the Olympic Games will now be met with lethal force.

"I now declare," said Jintao, "China to be under martial law. Soldiers will be patrolling the streets of all cities and towns and have orders to shoot any protesters to the Olympic Games on sight without benefit of trial. In addition, Chinese soldiers will be escorting the Olympic torch along its route and punish all those who attempt to interfere. We also give notice to the world community that China will not tolerate such behavior abroad. Any nation that allows Olympic protests within its borders will be considered a hostile nation, and such protests will be considered an act of war, leading to retaliatory measures up to and including invasion by Chinese military. During the Games, armed soldiers will be stationed throughout the arena. Anyone who speaks against the Olympics or the People's Republic of China will be dragged out of the stands onto the field and executed immediately. Only this way may we maintain the purity and neutrality of the Olympic message that sports can unite all people in the spirit of unity and love."