CDC Warns: Pootypox is a Serious Illness

The Center for Disease Control held a press conference to warn the American public of the dangers of an epidemic of pootypox that is sweeping the nation. Despite the potentially lethal nature of the illness, pootypox has become a popular punchline among comedians, a trend that the CDC is attempting to stop.

Pootypox, named after the disease's discoverer Dr. Smak N. Pooty, is a highly contagious disease that causes an irritating rash that inflames and swells the genitals and anus, increased and persistent flatulence, and a Tourette's-like compulsion to scream profanity. The disease is spread through the air or physical contact. In less than one percent of contracted cases, pootypox can be fatal. There have been over four thousand cases nationwide, but no confirmed deaths in the US.

Though the disease was first discovered in 1866, it was considered relatively rare in the United States until last year, when an infected baboon bit a circus clown in the groin. Since the disease struck a nursing home in Mobile, Alabama, pootypox has drawn increased media attention. At the same time, pootypox has become a popular source of comedy among stand-up comedians and late-night talk show hosts.

CDC Director Bartholomew Horn spoke at the press conference, stressing the danger of the illness. "I would like to remind the American people that pootypox is a very serious illness. Though we have had no deaths in this country or any other country in the last fifty years from pootypox, the potential is always there. I would also add that the disease is extremely painful and incapacitating to those who endure it. I would invite those who would mock pootypox to witness a room full of elderly patients screaming curses at the top of their lungs, scratching their inflamed genitals, and passing gas non-stop, and then see how funny you think it is."

A video taken at the Peaceful Elms Nursing Facility showing a room full of elderly patients in the throes of the disease has already been viewed over one million times on YouTube and has been featured on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.