Conspiracy Theorists Promise Paranoid Fantasy About Columbia Shuttle

Originally posted on Feb. 2, 2003 on the now defunct Newshax.com

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - Minutes after the destruction of the space shuttle Columbia was confirmed, the Association of Paranoid Investigators held a conference to announce that they would launch a full investigation to develop a paranoid fantasy around the accident.

Spokesman Jameson Norton said, "The American people demands to find meaning and get to the bottom of this tragedy in the most ridiculous manner possible. As part of our continuing insistence that everything that happens is somehow connected to a non-existent conspiracy, we must do our part."

The committee expects rapid progress. "I already see some promising leads in the avenue of extraterrestrials since it was in space, and possibly the U.S. government. Mind control is always good, but I don't see that here. The Israeli astronaut is a no-brainer to tie in the Jewish conspiracy, but the Indian astronaut is a tough one. Isn't the Abominable Snowman in India?"

The committee headed by well-known lunatics will attempt to connect the destruction of the shuttle Columbia with terrorism, the AIDS virus, the Elders of Zion, Bill Clinton, the Freemasons, a shadow U.S. government, aliens, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and Bigfoot.

"It will be quite a challenge," said Norton, "but we've risen to the occasion before. They said the World Trade Center and the Internet couldn't be part of the conspiracy, but we showed them. The world owes it to us to exaggerate a simple accident into a complex event tied to all of human history. We will not rest until we have created a conspiracy theory regarding the Columbia disaster that is full of nonsensical and irrational conclusions."