CDC Warns: Pootypox is a Serious Illness

The Center for Disease Control held a press conference to warn the American public of the dangers of an epidemic of pootypox that is sweeping the nation. Despite the potentially lethal nature of the illness, pootypox has become a popular punchline among comedians, a trend that the CDC is attempting to stop.

Pootypox, named after the disease's discoverer Dr. Smak N. Pooty, is a highly contagious disease that causes an irritating rash that inflames and swells the genitals and anus, increased and persistent flatulence, and a Tourette's-like compulsion to scream profanity. The disease is spread through the air or physical contact. In less than one percent of contracted cases, pootypox can be fatal. There have been over four thousand cases nationwide, but no confirmed deaths in the US.

Though the disease was first discovered in 1866, it was considered relatively rare in the United States until last year, when an infected baboon bit a circus clown in the groin. Since the disease struck a nursing home in Mobile, Alabama, pootypox has drawn increased media attention. At the same time, pootypox has become a popular source of comedy among stand-up comedians and late-night talk show hosts.

CDC Director Bartholomew Horn spoke at the press conference, stressing the danger of the illness. "I would like to remind the American people that pootypox is a very serious illness. Though we have had no deaths in this country or any other country in the last fifty years from pootypox, the potential is always there. I would also add that the disease is extremely painful and incapacitating to those who endure it. I would invite those who would mock pootypox to witness a room full of elderly patients screaming curses at the top of their lungs, scratching their inflamed genitals, and passing gas non-stop, and then see how funny you think it is."

A video taken at the Peaceful Elms Nursing Facility showing a room full of elderly patients in the throes of the disease has already been viewed over one million times on YouTube and has been featured on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Arafat Calls For Cease-Fire Between Movie Critics and Gigli

Originally published on August 1, 2003 at the now-defunct Newshax.com

Yassir Arafat has called for a cease-fire between movie critics and the movie Gigli." The hostilities began when "Gigli" was released in theaters on August 1. Movie critics almost universally panned the film, which responded by expanding its release to 2,215 screens nationwide. Critics in turn launched a retaliatory assault by declaring it the worst movie of 2003.
Arafat called for movie critics and "Gigli" to sit down and negotiate a peace treaty. His plan calls for "Gigli" to withdraw to its original release of 73 screens, and movie critics will refrain from mentioning "Gigli" in future reviews. Arafat also called continued references to the film by stand-up comedians "unhelpful."

Hip-Hop Artist and Pop Singer Trade Childhood

LOS ANGELES, CA - In a landmark deal, hip-hop artist AK-47 and pop singer Ricky Knight have signed a deal to trade their childhoods to each other. AK-47, whose real name is Bartholomew Jones, grew up in an upper-class suburban neighborhood in Beverly Hills, California. Ricky Knight grew up in a lower-class ghetto in Detroit. AK-47 was a grade-A honor student and valedictorian. Knight joined a notorious street gang and was imprisoned for six years on drug charges. It is expected that the deal to exchange their childhood will greatly improve their images.

During the press conference announcing the deal, Knight's press agent explained, "Being a convicted drug dealer and gang member would seriously hurt Ricky's career in pop music. But it's perfect for a hip-hop star. Likewise, Mister Jones' clean-cut life would make him the butt of jokes in urban entertainment, but it's just the kind of history a teen heartthrob needs. We think it's a perfect fit."

The deal calls for the two singers to swap information for their official biographies. Ricky Knight will undergo cosmetic surgery to remove the scars from numerous bullet wounds, and Jones will have surgery to add the scars to himself. The deal also allows for the purchase of their childhood homes and provides five thousand dollars to each of the singers' former friends, families, and teachers to attribute their memories to each other.